It was mid-August, last year. I had flown to Georgia, to attend the AIM Staff conference. I had no idea what I was heading into. I was nervous, I really had no idea what to expect or what the expectations were. We, on the world race, had been called (not commanded) to fast for a month. I suck at fasting. Each day I would fast differently. (check out my “Dare to be a Daniel” blog, where I was mid-fast and attempting 10 days, just like Daniel did in the beginning of his book in the old testament. That fast ended at 7 days, because the smell of steak totally broke me down). During this month long fast, I gave up TV and beer for the month. (no tv and no beer can make a man go crazy, ask Homer) We also tried to doing mostly non-solid food, but that was tough, and we found ways to cheat. Anyway, a fast without extra prayer is just a diet or asceticism anyway. I don’t really believe we are called to suffer to feel good about ourselves.
OK, that was coffee induced tangents…
I expected to get to this AIM conference and meet some hardcore people, to do this retardedly difficult fast, I was overwhelmed and nervous at that idea, but I was hoping for that too, in a crazy sort of way. I wanted to experience something more than a ‘lukewarm’ religious retreat, where the men get together and nothing ever seems to come out of it, for example. The first meal totally blew me away, there was good food there, and by my fourth meal, my fast was out the window. (that is where I met my buddy Jake, who was fasting meats, meaning he was not eating meat, but he could eat carbs, and I thought his fast was going to give him Type II diabetes).
I was standing outside the main hall, on the phone with Linnea, telling her about the experience up until then, and getting ready for breakfast, when Seth ran by. (A major reason I chose to do this world race is that Seth interviewed me. I did not want to be a part of some bureaucracy, some institution that was huge and antiquated…religious. When Seth actually did the interview and invited me to the conference, I was persuaded to pursue the relationship with AIM.) Seth had actually been taking the fast seriously, living on his juicer, and I believe he wound up fasting for 42 days! (makes me wonder if that number is representing their idea of this 42nd generation, check out Andrew Shearman’s blogsite, on my links) When Seth ran by, he had done his 5 miles, he was excited about what God had told him.
He said that God had given him a revelation about the discipleship steps, and he listed them…abandonment, brokenness, dependence, empowerment, call, and confirmation. I was on the phone, so I kind of said “cool!(?)”, and did my best ‘I believe you’ face. And Seth continued his run past me. I was not sure what to think about that…(God told him?) (discipleship steps?…isn’t ‘discipleship’ a class or the subject of a book? Maybe a book should be written on it! I mean other than the New Testament)
[It is almost a year later, and I believe him. I think my thick Norwegian skull is starting to grasp a little of what he was talking about…I hope.]
It was later on, the same day that Seth ran by me, that he taught on this. He had people go to six stations, where they would pray about these steps. He had us go to the station which represented where we are in the discipleship process. I thought about where I was…I was in Georgia, ready to give up everything we had worked so hard for, even Sequoia, so…knowing how hard my heart is, I decided I would head to the ‘brokenness’ station. Then I had the crazy idea that I would pray for my wife, and went to the ‘abandonment’ station first. I made it clear to the person at this station that I thought I was past the abandonment stage (HA! I had no idea how ignorant I was), but Linnea needed prayer here (I forget who was at this station). He said “OK”, and we prayed for Linnea. Then we prayed for our marriage, and my further abandonment.
After praying for the abandonment, I went to the ‘brokenness’ station and prayed with Deryck and Serena Livingston. (This was interesting, as Deryck pulled this analogy out of his, uh….anyway, about my needing Aslan to pull my shell off me, that I can’t do it myself, and it might hurt…etc. what was interesting about this, was I would have had no idea what he was talking about, except that I was actually reading C.S. Lewis, “The Voyage of the Dawn Treader” at the time, and that was where the story was that Deryck was referencing…it gave me goosebumps, because when I had read of Eugene’s dragon skin being ripped off, I thought of how that applied to me, that Aslan represents Jesus, and the pain of actually having who I am transformed…do I have dragon skin? a cold dragon heart? (or just dragon breath?) I had actually been dwelling on that exact story for a couple of days!
It has been almost a year since that time. I am sitting in a mall in Nelspruit, trying to focus on typing. Buying one cup of coffee after another, because that is what it takes to use the wireless here…the wireless that we just bought! (yay!) Our leaders teach that they are just waking up to their role in God’s kingdom. Seth admitted his own self doubts, about his gifts, in an email I received today. That discipleship takes a lifetime…it is our eyes being opened slowly, day by day. I say I believe I am starting to understand this, I realize how far away I was from abandonment a year ago, and in a year’s time, I will probably look back at where I am today and laugh at my ignorance.
I shake my head and laugh at the day Seth ran by and told me God had given him this revelation…as I type, I get a tightness in my throat, because we are writing a book on how this process looks on the world race. Yeah, a team of us is going to write a book.
For years I have had a desire deep inside to write a book. But I haven’t because I was afraid of failure. Maybe afraid of success. Maybe just doubted anyone would want to read anything I had to say, because most of the time I feel totally confused about everything.
So, that is where my thoughts are now, on this book. I ask for anyone who reads this and believe God hears our prayers to shoot one up for us (there are a bunch of people who will be working on this, but right now it seems the main people are Stephanie Fisk, Jeff Goins, Talia Barnes, and Linnea and I)….
