I have realized that I get tired of christianity. Christianity as a business. As an empire. As a way for a person to feed their ego in some way (I think I see it, but often this whole crazy idea makes me feel like a failure). Self validation? Use the bible to gain power or acceptance? (see the republicans) The moral majority?
Then the other side, GODLESS LIBERALS. What do I have to choose? Evil done in the name of Jesus, or good things done for an ethical religion? Was it not Gandhi who said he would be a christian except he knew too many?
We hiked Huascarran a few days ago, with a guy from the Peace Corps. Great guy, intelligent, non practicing Jewish guy. I seem to jump into debates and arguments, somehow with out planning on it. I don´t want the effort it takes, the stress, but there must be some stimulation to all this, because once again, I find my tongue wagging. No escape, so my opinion comes out.
How do I justify our MISSION? Bringing God´s word to people? I am asked who am I here with, catolicos or evangelicos? I say neither. I don´t identify with these groups. I find very little pride in my family name: christian. I am often embarrassed by christians, and I am overwhelmed by what MISGUIDED people have done with the gospel.
I must say also that I am often embarrassed by what I see in the mirror. I am no better or no worse than those who have gone before me. I am sure in a few years (tomorrow? as soon as this is posted?) someone is going to need to fix what I have done. To clean up my mess. I am sure someone will need to set me straight after I post this.
I am constantly trying to understand what I understand. Do I believe my beliefs? If I truly believe what the bible says, wouldn´t my life better reflect it? Would I care more if I believed more? Jesus says he is the only way truth and life, and in my life I still struggle with this. One thing I know, is every other path has been wrong. Every other so called truth seems to be missing something. Jesus is the only truth I can´t escape, even if the gospel is a truth I truly don´t understand.
So we hiked with this guy from the peace corps. This guy who had no understanding of the gospel, just assumed all religions are the same. We downloaded the bible on him for 8 hours. As we left him, we left him two bibles. We left him with, in his own words, a desire to research the gospel more.
As we left him, I looked at his life, at his heart. That somehow he is living a life that more resembles Jesus, that more resembles integrity and honor, than mine does. I constantly battle what I know to be true, while he and his wife are living it.
I think of God´s heart for the poor and needy, the weak, for the people who are forgotten about and trodden on, and I wonder how the gospel has become republican politics. How christianity has become about fads with bracelets, about our favorite bands. Our favorite authors. Chicken poop for the soul. How we use our nice religions as a drug, an anaesthetic for life.
And we leave it up to those who don´t even know Jesus to live Jesus´s heart.
