Scott:
I have gone through a spiritual roller coaster this month. I started out this mission feeling very nervous and apprehensive. I was feeling like God was very far away. I wasn�ft hearing Him, and it didn�ft feel like He was hearing me. It was so hard to take the leap of faith to give everything up and go on this mission without knowing that God would catch me. Also, while much of my family was very supportive, some people were definitely not, which only made me question myself further. Was I doing what God wanted for my life, or was I doing this for me? Would I be up to the challenges I would face on this mission? What will I do when I am asked to preach? Will I freeze up? These are just some of the doubts I was experiencing. Over the course of this month, I�fve had days that were very positive, and days that were very difficult, but I was still left with more questions than answers. I still wasn�ft hearing God.
Then, it all clicked. When we had to rush Denise to the hospital a few days ago, I didn�ft know what to do. I saw her in excruciating pain, shaking, with tears in her eyes, and I couldn�ft do anything about it. I couldn�ft hold her hand, I couldn�ft speak with her, and I couldn�ft save her. I didn�ft know what was wrong with her. I didn�ft have any of the answers. All I could do was pray. I didn�ft know if God could hear me, and I didn�ft know if He would come through, but it didn�ft matter. He was my only option, so I called out to Him like I rarely have before in my life. I thanked him for being a good God. I told Him that I know He keeps His promises, and He promises to bring good things into our lives. I told Him that I knew He had the power to heal Denise, and I even thanked Him for healing her, because I knew that He would. Now certainly, I wasn�ft the only one praying for Denise, but I know I was praying the hardest! The doctors said that she would have at least a couple days of pain, maybe more. She had to pass the kidney stone for the pain to stop. But God showed me something different. Since we left the hospital, Denise hasn�ft had pain even once. Not one sign of the kidney stone. We know it was there, because there was an x-ray taken, but I also know that she�fs not in pain right now. I feel like the man who questioned after Jesus healed his blindness. He said, �g I was blind and now I see.�h
This was the moment for me. I realized that I don�ft know God�fs plans, and He is okay with that. I shouldn�ft pray to know His plans, but only for the ability to accept His will. He is a just God, and He works for good in our lives. I can trust that. When I need Him, He has always come through. I have decided to stop stressing over the little things like, �gwhat if I�fm not good enough�h. It doesn�ft matter that I�fm not good enough. The disciples weren�ft good enough. I wont be either. But it�fs not about me. It�fs about what God chooses to do THROUGH me. It�fs all in His hands, and I�fm just along for the ride. For now, I am content with that answer. I feel satisfied that God will take care of the details, as long as I continue to choose to live my life for Him. I can�ft wait to see how He uses me this next month in Australia; without so much of me getting in the way, He just might decide to do something big…
Denise:
Lately I�fve been feeling kind of spiritually numb. There�fs so much that has been going wrong in my life, that it�fs hard to see the good in things. It�fs weird because I do feel like God continually shows up in my life and I�fm continuously blown away by Him, but I have the tendency to forget what He�fs done for me when things get hectic. I guess what I really need to work on, and pray to change, is to find a way to praise Him in the storm.
I will say that one of the things that God has really been working on with me is the power of LOVE. From the time we were preparing to come on this mission God has been softening my heart more and more. There were plenty of times when people let me down, whether it be for fund raising and they didn�ft show up, or didn�ft support us at all, or comments that were made, or jealousy that would sprout�c something inside kept telling me to love- no judgment, just love. It�fs pretty powerful stuff! Now if you know me, you know I have little patience, and even less tolerance for such behaviors; so we know it wasn�ft me.
More recently God has shown me the importance of GRACE. To constantly be able to choose to have grace with people, even when they don�ft have any grace to give you, it�fs really rewarding. To be woken up in the wee hours of the morning by loud stomping and singing and choose to have grace is not natural. To have your world turned upside down for 4 days because someone made an honest mistake, and to chose to have grace on them, is not natural. At least not for me. But it is now. I LOVE IT. I find that I feel more alive living this way. And at the end of the day I realize that it�fs not me that�fs doing this�c it�fs God changing me in ways I never could have imagined. I now fully understand the term �gWe love because He first loved us.�h. As I continue to venture down this road, I will continue to pursue God�fs heart and will for my life; I am excited and I want more.
