A Personal Visit From God

I feel like this blog should start with a disclaimer. If talking about the Holy Spirit makes you uncomfortable, you may not want to read any further. I say this because I would have fallen into this category just a few months ago. With that in mind, I realize that some of you who read it might think I’ve gone off the deep end, but I assure you, I have not. In fact, you should know that the disciple I am most like is probably Thomas, or “Doubting Thomas” as he’s often referred to. I am the one who wants to put my fingers through the holes in Jesus’ hands in order to know that He is real. I am a skeptic, through and through, and this has often caused me to be on the other end of these stories, doubting the supernatural experiences of others. And then the Holy Spirit showed up…

 

So, to set the stage, the first few days we spent in the Philippines were near Manila. All of the teams came together with our leaders and coaches so that we could talk about our experiences, worship together, and challenge each other emotionally and spiritually. On one of the last nights, David, one of our coaches, got up in front to give a sermon. It was about being a warrior for Christ, and it was inspiring, but in the end, it just seemed like any other sermon to me. Then at the end, he told us that he had anointing oil with him and asked anyone who wanted to be anointed as a warrior for Christ to come up to the front. All fifty or so of us went up to the front, because after all, who wouldn’t want to be a warrior for Christ? Someone started playing worship music, and David went around praying for each of us and putting the oil on our foreheads. He kept on saying “you will never be the same”, and I kept on thinking, “yeah, I’ve heard that before”.

 

Shortly after he prayed for me, I started to get a tingly feeling in my hands and arms, much like that of when a limb falls asleep. The skeptic in me figured it was simply the blood flowing out of my arms because I had them upraised for a long period of time. Then my legs started to tingle, which was weird because I was standing up and there was no good reason they should be falling asleep. As this was happening, I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, because I really didn’t want to draw attention to myself. Other people told me later that they felt like God was calling them to go lay hands on me and pray for me. So it was that at this moment several people started placing their hands on me and praying for me, at least one of which was in tongues. As soon as someone put their hands on my chest, I felt the tingling spread into my stomach and get MUCH more intense. My facial muscles started contorting weirdly, which I felt self-conscious about, but could do nothing to prevent it. I was also getting extremely hot, and felt like I might faint. The thought came to mind that I should probably sit down, but I didn’t want to, so I just stood there shaking and tingling. Then God spoke to me.

 

He didn’t speak to me in words, but in a strong compulsion that I couldn’t ignore. I felt like He wanted me to roar. This was the last thing I wanted to do. For those of you that don’t know, the biggest struggle in my life by far is my struggle with social anxiety. There aren’t five minutes that pass by during the day that I don’t think about this anxiety at least once. It dominates much of my life, and is the major obstacle that has stood between me and the life God wants me to lead. So you can imagine that roaring in front of 55+ people was not at the top of my list of things to do. But God kept telling me to do it. So, with fear and trembling, I roared; I yelled at the top of my lungs. When it was over, I felt stupid, but relieved that it was done. By this point, I was crying, sweating, and getting more and more tingly. Then, God told me to roar again. I REALLY didn’t want to. But again, I was obedient. Then He told me to roar a third time. So I roared a third time. I no longer felt so stupid, but more empowered. Somehow I got the feeling that the first roar was God roaring to me, and the second roar was me roaring for myself, and the third roar was me telling the spirit of fear and the spirit of silence that they no longer have any place in my life. Next, I felt God telling me to get down on my knees. Even at this point, I was resistant. I told him , “no thanks, I’m comfortable right here.” And then, one of the people praying for me told me that God was telling them that He wanted me to get on my knees. So, reluctantly, I did. And then, everything started to get peaceful. The tingling started to lessen, and my tears stopped flowing. I felt like I was truly able to give up my fears to God, and give over my whole heart to Him. I also felt like for the first time, I wasn’t on the outside looking in. God had made Himself real to me in a way that I couldn’t deny, and my faith had grown in a way I never expected.

 

What is so incredible about this is that I’ve been struggling with my faith for some time now. I felt like God never speaks to me, and I often felt like He didn’t hear me either. I have prayed repeatedly for Him to show Himself to me in a way that I could understand. To be honest, I didn’t think He really ever would. But then, all of a sudden, on this ordinary night, when I least expected it, the Holy Spirit made himself known to me in exactly the way I needed. I felt like God had fought for me, and it felt good. I know that I won’t stop struggling with my anxiety, but I now have so much more incentive to choose God over my fears. I know He wont let me down in those moments, and I can depend on Him to overcome the fear in my mind.

 

Later that night, I found out that a girl on my squad named Jessi had a dream during month one about me. This is particularly weird (both for her and me) because I barely knew Jessi. As it turned out, events that happened that night at debrief were amazingly similar to the dream that she had. At the time, she had written it down, but wasn’t sure what to do about it. She also talked to the leaders about it because she wasn’t sure if she should say something or not. In her dream, she put her hands on my chest and prayed for me. That night, as it turned out, she was the one that put her hands on my chest at the breaking point when God really made himself known to me.

 

The next day, I felt the urge to read the book of Hosea with Denise. I am not sure why, since it’s not a book that I have ever read before, but nevertheless, we both sat down and read together. In Hosea 11:10, we came across this verse: “They will follow the Lord; he will roar like a lion. When he roars, his children will come trembling from the west.” All of a sudden, the yelling I had done the night before started to make a lot more sense.

I know this whole experience probably sounds weird to some of you. I would have thought it was very weird just a few months ago. The only reason I can accept it now is that it happened to me. Rest assured that I didn’t drink any kool aid, and I am not going off the deep end. The Bible tells us about the power of the Holy Spirit, but for my entire Christian life, I’ve disregarded this third of the Trinity. I now know that He is very real, and it is through Him that God fights for His people. I pray that everyone can have a similar experience so that they can know God in the way that I now know Him. As the absolutely real father and warrior that He is.