Team time that night was my turn to share my testimony. Me, miss share my story with anyone, open book mentality was kinda dreading it. It gets old ya know? Telling people about yourself and your story over and over again. But little did I know, this time would be different. It would be heard differently this time.
So I told it:: Momma issues. Sex addiction. Attention whore. Suicidal. Black sheep. Worthless feelings. Codependency. Hook and run relationship pattern. Stumble after stumble in my walk with Christ. How my journey to Christ has just always felt wrong because it didn’t look like the people’s around me or wasn’t “consistent” enough for me to be on the same level as the friends in my life. My growth was too slow or not evident enough, or as I said that’s how it always felt. And now I’m here on this Race trying to figure out what a personal relationship with God even looks like to me.
And that was it. I asked if anyone had questions, nobody did. So I thought I was done.
But God wasn’t done.
One of the chicas here with us this month who listened in began to speak some real truth into my life. Truth many people have said to me before, but for some reason, this time, I actually listened and I actually believed it.
She said things like — The relationships you’ve had have tainted your relationship with Christ. You say you are cautious about deep relationships now, but You should jump into a relationship with God with both feet because He won’t ever let you down. God wants your whole heart. He is perfect and will never let you down. Any earthly man you love will be tainted. Christ is the only man who can love unconditionally.
Then without even hesitating, following what I truly believe she was feeling God tell her to do, she washed my feet. “You’ve been baptized. You love God. You just got your feet a little dirty.” God, through his vessel Lisa, showed up and cleansed me. I saw that Christ sees me as pure, not some used up whore who doesn’t deserve a relationship with out sex. Just simply His daughter, clean and worthy to be loved for more than my body.
“Wait for the man who loves you enough to wait for you. “”I declare right now in Jesus name that you won’t have sex again until you’re married”” – July,10 2014 Costa Rica Christian surfers surrounded by team FLAME with a beautiful Canadian woman of God washing my feet.
So I’m currently freaking out a little. To be honest, sex is sometimes all I really feel I know. I don’t know if I even know how to show love with out it. But I have 5 more months to figure that out before I come home to all the temptation to fall back into my ways. To give my heart so fully to Christ that I will desire Him over my flesh for the first time.
Please pray for me. Pray against temptation, for strength to retrain my thoughts, for Christ to begin preparing the man he has for me to love me the way God created love to be, for me to desire a man like that, and most importantly for me to desire more of God and to put Him before my flesh in all situations.
Sorry if the word sex offends anyone, but I plan to use my story to help others who have been in my situation or to help others avoid it. Can’t hide behind choices you’ve made in life all you can do is let God use them to glorify Him 😉
