Today I sat in a room full of people to celebrate the life of an amazing woman. I watched as people piled in, filling row after row. Together, we sat side by side overflowing into the aisles until there was standing room only. If that isn’t a testament of the way Jill lived her life, I don’t know what is. She lived life in such a way that it literally overflowed: seeping into the aisles and pathways of everyone around her; touching the deepest parts of our hearts; bringing joy to our faces; and exemplifying Christ’s love.
The last ten days have been full of emotions, questions, and grief. I’ve seen hundreds of posts from family and friends honoring and celebrating the life of an amazing woman, mother, and friend. Pictures have flooded my news feed as a tribute of the woman who played such a vibrant role in our lives. Like so many others, Jill influenced my life in many ways but our last encounter was one that truly changed the trajectory of my life. It is something that I know I won’t ever be able to forget and something I will be sure to thank her for someday in the future.
As a child I grew up in the church at Kansas Expressway. I wasn’t close to her then, after all I was just a kid. But I watched… I grew up watching her sit in the pews with her family and listened as she sang so beautifully. I watched as she handed me cookies at the end of a fun filled VBS week. I watched as she married and started a life with Travis.
From North National, I watched as she ran to pee more than once during a service because she was pregnant with the twins. I watched as she served behind the scenes for years: running errands here, encouraging people there. I watched as she practiced the palm heel strikes I taught her when she attended the self defense class I was leading.
From Watermill, I watched as she fanned the sweat off her face as she cooked for the kids at Happy Hallow. I watched as she invited my friends and I into her home and life with open arms. I watched as she encouraged us through the stress of finals our freshman year, comforted us through heartbreaks, and celebrate with us over even the smallest of victories.
College was difficult and it was throughout this time Jill and I began our relationship. As an athlete, I was traveling full time on weekends and rarely got the pleasure of being home with my church family. Jill, however, was always someone I could count on. I could count on her to be online at 2am on a Thursday to chat because Claudia just happened to be sick. I could count on her send me a sweet word of encouragement during times I felt like a failure. I could count on her to pass down lesson learned the hard way from her days at SMS. I could count on her to enlighten me into the minds of “stupid boys” and bless me with stories from her relationship with Travis.
As I grew older, I watched as she sold Tupperware to fundraise for a mission trip to Malawi. I watched as she posted pictures of the beautiful people she met and work she loved. I watched as she planned events for PTA or church retreats, set up crafting booths, and chaperone field trips.
For years, I watched…then in May 2015, something in my life changed. I still don’t really know that I can explain it except that I realized it was time to take God out of the box I’d been keeping Him in. I knew I was being called to action but honestly had no idea where to even start. I remember then having a conversation with Jill about the restlessness in my spirit after she read my blog from that night. She could sense my yearning for something “more”. She reminded me of her time spent in Malawi and the lessons she learned even in that short amount of time. After months of inner turmoil and prayer I finally got up the nerve to apply for the World Race (an 11 month mission trip to 11 countries around the world).
Fast forward a few months… I’d been accepted, had begun fundraising, and completed training camp. It was my last Sunday in the Springfield and in two days I would be heading off to Georgia to begin my trip around the world. At this point, I still had no idea what I was doing. Service had started but I was a mess and barely holding it together. I felt so very much alone. As worship began, I felt the need to escape. I quickly dismissed myself and bolted to the back of the building in hopes of finding an empty classroom that would allow me the freedom to cry. Jill must have been organizing things in the kitchen for the potluck that was to follow service because she saw me rush past. I got to the room and absolutely lost it. Tears streaming down my face and thoughts of “God, what have I done? I can’t do this! I’m not ready for this! I’m not good enough for this!” flood my mind. I remember Jill peeking around the corner asking if I was okay. I laughed as snot dripped from my nose and I begin blubbering about all the turmoil inside my heart. She sat down next to me and listened as I word vommited the fears that were holding me back.
“…. I’m sure they {my parents} are worried I’ll get hurt or worse: that I’ll love it and never come back. Jill, what if I love it? What if I’m supposed to live in Africa forever? What if…”
That’s where she cut me off.
“So what if?” she said. “What if you move to Africa? I loved Africa… if I could convince Travis and thought it was best for the kids I’d move to Africa. What if? Your parents will be fine, trust me. They’re supposed to be scared… They’re your parents. It’s hard to not have control over everything your kids do… probably even harder if they’re adults. But so what… what if? What if this is the best thing for you? What if this is just the beginning of something great? You can’t let your “what ifs” stop you. So what are you going to do?”
She spoke the truth I needed to hear. She gave me the confidence I needed to keep going. I laughed at myself as I stood up to wipe the snot from my face. Before she left, we hugged and I asked where Travis was so I could say goodbye. She told me he was preaching at another congregation that Sunday, but she’d stayed to help with the luncheon. Then she giggled and said it was probably a good thing he was gone after all making some sweet joke about him being the secret softy.
Off I went… 321 days around the world. 321 days living a life that was about so much more than my “what ifs”. Jill had been right. She’d given me a pep talk when I needed it the most {and Africa was my favorite}. The entire time, there wasn’t a blog, facebook status or picture that Jill didn’t like or comment on sending encouraging messages my way.
I will forever be thankful Jill held my hand through that Sunday of what ifs. The last year of my life has been the most beautiful, challenging, and joyful of my existence. I have seen and experienced new depths of the Lord’s love, grace, and mercy. I am truly grateful for the opportunities I have been blessed with this year and can not describe how valuable that foundation is going to be to me moving forward.
The day of her accident I shared this video on my page.
A few minutes later, Jill shared it and sent me a message.
“We’ve been watching your posts to keep track of you. We’re so proud of you and the commitment you made this year. I can’t wait to hear more! Talk to you soon. Love ya!”
Today as I sat in a room full of friends and family, I looked around. I watched as some smiled fondly as we sang together. I watched as some shed tears as old memories washed over them. I watched as some nodded their heads in agreement with Travis’s plea and call to action.
“You cannot go back and make a brand new beginning but you can start now and make a brand new ending.”
So now I ask you the question she asked me…
What if? What if it’s the beginning of something great? What are you going to do?
