185 days.
It’s been 185 days since I said yes…
That’s the day, I “gave up.” For years, I had tried to prove my worth, earn His love, and thought I had to do it on my own. I had “put God on hold” but I had it all backwards. I had spent years caught up in trying to be “good enough” for an all-in relationship with God instead of a daily walk in His love and grace. I walked away from that prayer whole again. I was forever changed. The power in the previous sentence still gives me chills: It’s crazy how your entire life can change after just ONE prayer.
23 days.
23 days ago, I said yes to World Race Training Camp. There is no way to mentally prepare yourself for ten days living in the mountains with fifty complete strangers, but away I went.
That twelve hour drive from Missouri to Georgia was an emotional one. Twelve hours alone with my thoughts, questions, and self doubt. Hours spent crying, praying, and talking myself out of this adventure just to talk myself right back in. Would I fit in? Would I even make it through? How would I raise enough money? (At that point, I had ten days until my first goal and I was still $2,500 short.) Was this REALLY what God called me to do?
As I checked in and made my way to my campsite, I remember pausing to take it all in. I watched as the forty nine others scrambled to set up their tents (some for the first time.) Everyone was anxiously greeting each other, trying hard to remember names and faces from months spent Facebook stalking. My prayer that night sounded something like, “Well Lord, I’m here and I’m kinda just winging it at this point so you know… Do You.”
Night two as I crawled into my sleeping bag surrounded by a chorus of Elf’s “I Love You,” I knew I was toast. I was all in and not daring to look back. That night my prayer was just a simple, “Thank you.”
Training camp was as they say, “All the things.” I will forever fondly remember the days filled with surrender, jubilee, community and praise. I’ll cherish the nights that were spent huddled around a campfire full of passion, strength, freedom, and love.
Today.
I sit in the floor and look around. What used to be a house filled with furniture, friends, and puppies playing now echoes emptiness. In all my years of planning and obsessing over the little details, this was no where on my radar.
For some, my current “situation” seems pretty reckless.
- I’m in the process of selling my house, my car, and twenty five years of randomly accumulated stuff.
- In 50 days, I’ll no longer work at a place I passionately adore and have called home for the last five years.
- In 59 days, I will have to say goodbye to countless friends and family.
- While gone I will miss 3 weddings, 46 Taco Tuesdays, 17 birthday celebrations, 5 holidays, 3 family traditions, some firsts, and inevitably some lasts.
- In 63 days, I’ll be on plane bound for the Dominican Republic.
Logistically, a lot will have to happen between now and then to make that a reality. There’s:
- vaccinations
- last minute gear to purchase
- $8,000 to raise
- hard goodbyes to say
- deciding on the perfect Race wardrobe
- packing
- and 10 other things I haven’t even thought of yet
I don’t have any idea what the next year of life looks like for me… You see, I gave up MY plans for the future 185 days ago when I first said yes. But if this experience has taught me nothing else it’s that:
Sometimes faith is spelled R – I – S – K.
