Yesterday was awful. Midmorning while I was at work, office rumors, texts, and whispers confirmed there was an active shooter one of the local high schools in Spokane, WA. One student was killed and several more were shot and being taken to the hospital. I work in Spokane with child protective services. My job is to protect kids in this community.
So yesterday, as all these events were unfolding I was standing with a group of coworkers as one was preparing to rush out the door to check on her son, as it was his school where the shootings took place. I stood and watched her walk away with this horrific feeling. This same colleague had recently lost her husband in a sudden accident only 12 weeks ago. It was incomprehensible to think her son could be among one of the students shot. But he was. He was the student who stood up to his friend and tried to get him to put down his gun. His last act was one of courage, and he paid with his life. As the news of this kid’s death flooded our office we all sat there in disbelief frantically hoping these reports were wrong.
Grief hangs in the air here. Even the smoke from the local wildfires has returned despite the last few days of blue sky respite. But today the air is thick. Somewhere nearby the earth is burning, again. This summer, the beautiful forests of the pacific northwest have crumbled in the flames. Across the country I know there are still flood waters, people trapped from Irma, and others picking up the pieces from Harvey. Tragedy in these last few weeks has been profound, coming in waves. These events have reshaped us, and we are hurting.
I am Christian. I believe in Jesus, and I believe he is the hope for this world. But today in my Christianity, I am shocked and numb. My mind doesn’t falter in my beliefs but my emotions and heart are floating far off. The oh so tiny voice in my brain recalls the simple verse, “.. all your waves and breakers have swept over me,” Psalm 42:7. These words so fittingly capture my sentiments.
I know it always seems like “the world is ending” and “things like this happen all the time.” But right now the world feels like its on fire. And while my area of the country is literally on fire, socially, politically, emotionally everything feels engulfed. Back to back tragic events, hurricane after hurricane, non-stop media coverage and radio coverage… its all so overwhelming. I refuse to accept school shootings, devastating earthquakes, hurricanes, terrorist attacks, and much more violent events than I could list off…I refuse to accept these is normal. This is not normal, the world is hurting right now and my community is hurting right now. I want to gather everyone I love together and hug them and not let go.
More than anything else in this time, we all need hope. We need the knowledge of hope to return to our minds. We need the feeling of hope for the future, for love, for peace, and for restoration to return to our hearts. My little community, my country, and the world needs a hope that will sustain us, a hope that will make us come alive.
The last verse in Psalm 42 goes like this: “Why my soul are you so downcast? Why do disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will still yet praise Him, my savior and my God.” It seems when the Psalmist wrote these words, he was broken down, utterly and completely. He was panting, exhausted, feeling forgotten, beaten down by enemies and crushed by hardship. In his last words of this psalm, this writer, as if he was using his last flicker of strength, he praises God. I believe it is in this small act they are filled with a little more strength and a little more strength. In this small act he finds hope.
This morning I walked into juvenile court like I do every Thursday at precisely 8:28 am. On the way into court I walk past juvenile detention, where on the other side of the brick wall the shooter of yesterday events resides. The media are setting up their cameras. People are gathered and raw with emotion. All I want to do is violently pound my fist on the walls of juvenile detention and yell out the question “why”, both to God and the kid who shot up his school. But instead I will not use my last bit of strength on that. I can’t. I will use it trust in God. I will do this not because yesterday’s events were okay or not deeply felt, but because I am empty and I need beyond human reasoning to fill me again.
To all my friends in Texas and Florida, I am continue to pray for you. May you use your finite allowance of strength on praising God in all circumstances and trusting in His love. May you come together with the support of all of us on the outside and the love of God above and below you to rebuild and heal. I also pray this for my coworker and her family. The events of yesterday are so horrific they are truly unfathomable. The double losses in your family have been a rippled all of us, and on your behalf we are filled with sorrow. I am truly sorry. To everyone else who may be on the outside of these events looking in, please pray, donate your heart and your resources. In no way can we get back what has been lost, but in every way we can love show love to one another, and we can submit our last bit of strength to God who will revitalize us with hope.
Please consider donating to the GoFund me for my colleague and her family, you can find the info here: https://www.gofundme.com/emily-sam-strahans-college-fund
Also, I love you all.
