I’m not really sure how to start this blog. Mostly I want to apologize for being so quiet this last month while I was in Jamaica. Jamaica was a strange time for me on the race. I am growing and changing a lot, but I was ready to give up on a lot of things.
About a week ago I was in Jamaica staying in Brownstown and working with a number of churches doing everything from preaching sermons, scraping paint, playing with babies, and hiking into the hills to meet with people. I spent a lot of time feeling frustrated about doing little things. I know God was in them, but I felt unrest too. I spent a lot of time questioning if the small things we were doing were making any impact at all. I spent a lot of time asking God, “what am I doing?” I was desperate to see God sweep over Jamaica, but when He didn’t I was anxiously impatient. I felt like I gave up over and over.
But if you know me, you know I’m incredibly impatient.
A short 6 months ago, my life looked very different, but it was not without the grand element of frustration. I was still working as a social worker in the child welfare system for the state of Washington, trying to reunite children with their parents and help kids find permanent families. I spent so much time then trying to help parents change and get their kids back within the confines of the legal system, government system, community resources, and family drama. The hallmark of the child welfare system is its dysfunction. It’s a messy business. I have a lot of memories of throwing stress balls off the walls of my cubical and pacing the hallways on stressful calls. Back then I fought to take hold of situations and make things happen. The end result was often me frustrated at my futile efforts.
It was no surprise how good God is, and how good His timing is. On my last night in Jamaica I got the privilege to be skyped into court to watch the adoption of one of the kids who was formerly on my caseload. The story of this child is incredible. There were so many twists and turns, moments of extreme pain, sorrow, fear, and great frustration that encompassed this child’s story. I felt great urgency for this child, this family, this case. I wanted God to move dramatically. And for years there was chaos and unknown. I still remember holding this little baby and asking God, “what are we going to do now?” I gave into frustration a lot, and I gave up over and over. But hundreds of little moments of moving forward and here we are, her family is getting to adopt her. Seeing her dance around the court room in a fluffy dress was an amazing moment. After the Skype call I couldn’t help but dance for joy too. God is faithful to the end.
Now I’m in India. It took 3 whole days of travel, 3 layovers, no sleep, and very little time to process. My team landed in Hyderabad and we had a retreat and orientation for the first few days. Then we got on an overnight bus and headed 9 hours south to Bangalore, India. I’m in Bangalore now, on the rooftop looking out at the city. There are cows wandering the streets. And I’m loving all the curry. On our first full day here we sat with our host, Paul. He discussed frustration in ministry, he discussed giving up. He said we all give up, we all give up all the time. There is an art to giving up because in it we have to figure out how to start again.
Seasons of frustration come and go. God is constant. And even in our frustration, impatience, and giving up, we have to figure out how to restart. Frustration is simply a road block we have to figure out how to maneuver around. For years I sat in these exasperating situations when I felt like I made inches of progress forward. But God took every inch. He is always faithful to move our mountains.
I was beyond blessed to see the end result to the adoption of my little one from my caseload. It was the reminder I needed of God’s faithfulness. Her family I will always carry in my heart. Even in that situation I know God is not finished, He is still moving. For Jamaica, I may not get to know the impact, not for a long while. But above all, I know God is good. He is faithful to take every little thing and transform it.
