If you read my last blog, I asked people for their prayer requests. I wanted to pray for what was going on at home because even though I am half way around the world I still deeply care about the struggles that my family and friends are dealing with daily.
As I began to pray for these prayer requests I started dealing with some spiritual warfare. The first three days into my intentional prayer Satan was attacking my sleep. I did not sleep more than two hours at a time for three days. As I asked the Lord for strength to get through the days and for restful sleep at night, I began sleeping again. But that doesn’t mean that Satan stopped attacking me.
Now he was attacking me when I was awake. I have been finding myself not present in what is going on here in Bulgaria because I am worried sick about what is going on at home. If you did not know, I lost my Great Grandmother on September 7th while I was in Serbia. Not being there for my family, not being able to grieve with them, was extremely difficult for me. Not being there to help my dad when he had hand surgery was something I also had a hard time dealing with. Not being there for my brother’s first football season in high school or being in Savannah for Young Life events or not being in America while life still goes on is just hard.
Last month, I felt the Lord asking me to give up communication with my family and friends. It was hard for me to swallow but I did not come on the Race to be comfortable or to rely on my family when times get tough. I want to learn to rely on the Lord. I thought I had learned to rely on Him when times got tough until now.
Now, I am in Bulgaria. Teaching English on Tuesday and Thursdays to children and adults. Attending prayer meetings, planning lessons for English class and just serving the host in any way on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I am just rolling through the motions because my mind is consumed with what is going on at home. I find any time I can to talk to my mom, dad, or brother. I am texting friends. FaceTiming whenever I have the chance. I am going right back to where I was before. Relying on friends and family when things are hard. But for the last week I was able to justify it because there are hard things going on at home and I want to “support my family”. I don’t want anyone to feel like I just up and abandoned them to go on the “adventure of a lifetime.”
As I began to process what all is happening at home I felt the Lord say, “Come to me. Come spend time with me.”
So I did as I was told. I sat last night. Listening. Worshipping. Journaling. My heart just heavy with what is going on at home. I felt and heard the Lord speak again, “Give them to me.”
In the midst of all of this, my teammate Marissa came to me and told me she had done a listening prayer for me. She said the Lord had lead her to Isaiah 58, a passage about fasting. After she left, I began reading it. The Lord spoke to me through it.
“Am I not enough? Will I not take care of your family? Have I not proven faithful?”
Y’all. The tears just started flowing.
“Yes, Lord, you are enough. You are faithful. But I am just scared. I don’t want my family to think that I have left them behind…”
I then asked the Lord what he wanted me to fast from this month. Just like last month, he said, “Your phone.” I burst into tears. I use my phone to communicate with my family. I use it to see how things are going, to see if there is anything I can do. Even though I can’t really do anything, at least knowing what is going on at home gives me some sense of control. I feel like it shows that I care. How could God take that away from me?
To be completely honest with you, I am still wrestling with this. I have decided to not talk to my family for the time being but I am still seeking out how long this fast will be through prayer. I am just taking time to wrestle this out with the Lord. Which I am learning is okay!! God wants us to be obedient but he also knows us. He knows that we are human and that we won’t always understand. He is prepared to talk this out with me. Even if he never gives me a direct answer as to why he wants to me to fast, I can be sure in his faithfulness and goodness because I have seen it over and over again.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t sad that I won’t be talking to my family throughout this month. I would be lying if I said this wasn’t going to be extremely difficult at times. But I would also be lying if I said that I thought God wasn’t going to grow me and my heart for him during this time.
The tough seasons are when I seem to learn the most from God. I may not be ready or even excited but I am looking forward to what God teaches me in this time of fasting.
With Love and Honesty,
Sav
