Last week I celebrated the one year anniversary of being freed from my eating disorder (!!!) that I had for three years in college. WHAT?!
I am truly in awe of my Heavenly Father for meeting where I was for so long and continuing to pursue me when I was in the deepest pit.
Shout out to Abiding Azar, my first team on the Race, for loving me and pushing me to see myself the way the Lord sees me. Mel, Lynna, Marissa, Bethany and Burt thank you for loving me and helping transform me into the woman I am today. I think back to where I was a year ago … Month 4 had just begun and I was serving in Malaysia. I was sick and tired of living in the pit, so I decided to really open my heart to the Lord. Every morning I woke up that month, I asked the Lord to empty me of myself and fill me with Him. Whatever that looked like. This day exactly a year ago I wrote my “If You Really Knew Me” blog (which you can find if you look for it on here). I let everyone in on the hell I had been living in for years. Wow, did it feel good to let everyone know how I had been feeling.
But now, a year later, I can say that I do not allow the fear of man control my life. I don’t let the fear of food control my life.
Let me be honest and say that this last year has not been easy. There was a time in month 10 where I relapsed. But I am so thankful for Marissa, my teammate for the entire Race. She saw me falling back into that pit and she called it out. We sat in the floor of our bedroom in Haiti as I cried my eyes out and told her everything that had been going on in my mind that month. She helped pick me back up. I am so thankful for loving community that isn’t afraid to call it out when they know you are hurting.
When I came home in July, I had the pull of the world on my mind. It reminded me everyday that I didn’t look like I had just 11 months prior. But then I let the Lord speak into that. I had just lived an amazing life for 11 months. They were months full of new foods, new experiences, and a new me. A new me trying to figure out how to let Jesus speak into this eating disorder. A new me trying to figure out how to love myself when I did not want too.
So, no it wasn’t easy. But it was worth it. It took me reminding myself that I am enough. That people do love me because of my heart not because of my looks. That I am Holy, Loved, and Beautiful.
I can confidently say that I love who I am and who the Lord has made me. I can confidently say that I look in the mirror and I love what I see. Not because of anything that the world affirms me in, but I know what my heart looks like. I know that God looks at my heart and smiles because I have allowed him to transform it into what He wants.
If you are reading this then I want you to celebrate with me!! Go eat your favorite dessert and then look in the mirror and say, “Dang, you looking good!”, then go do something that you love .. read your favorite book, hangout with a friend that brings you life, bake something .. whatever it is!!! Remember today that the Lord, the Creator of the Universe looks at you with heart eyes and adores you!!!! Doesn’t that make you feel giddy?!
If you are reading this, and your struggling or you are still living in the pit … Girl or boy, know that I am praying for you. Praying for you to find true freedom in loving who you are in the Lord. Know that I look at you and see that beautiful heart shining through your smile. The smile that comes out when you are doing something that you really love, whatever that may be. Never forget that Jesus is right there with you. He is cheering you on! And so am I, cause true freedom is the greatest feeling in the world. Keep fighting for the freedom, cause I promise IT WILL COME, one day. Satan wants you to think it will never come so you should just stop trying. But I am here to tell you that sharing your darkness will only allow for light to shine in and create space for freedom.
If you want to talk, please feel free to reach out! Through here, an email, a Facebook or Instagram message, a text or call, however!!! I would love to chat.
Email: [email protected]
Instagram: @sav.stoker
With love and so many happy screams,
Sav!!!!
