Today is a hard day. Actually this year is a hard year. I’ve lived in denial, anger, fear, unworthiness and confusion. Today it caught up to me. It hit me hard, showing no grace and not an ounce of gentleness. The feeling is weighted and heavy. I can feel tears at the brim of my eyes, yet they refuse to grace the surface. Instead they stay deeply hidden where I have locked them away.
I’m not sure what exactly I’m hoping to accomplish right now writing this. Perhaps it’s a a desperate action to feel like my heads above water for a minute. Even if it’s for a minute, I’ll take it. Just give me a little relief for a second. I promise I’ll cherish it and remember what it’s like to live in your arms Jesus.
I don’t know when this happened to me. When did my heart grow so damn cold? When did I stop caring about life? When did i stop being passionate and excited about who you are? Except…I do know when it happened. It’s easy to blame it on a failed Prince Charming, pin pointing that’s the day that took everything from me. Left me crying and possibly more broken and rejected as I’ve ever felt. Left me angry. I am angry.
I was a woman who felt loved, pursued, seen, fought for by you. All of a sudden there I was, alone. Left. And in the matter of minutes I became a woman who saw no worth in herself and forced that girl into a corner. I was then a woman of lust, anger, hatred and a close form of insanity. That once bright girl hid herself from the world, isolated herself and let a single moment define her next steps. I am hurt.
A year of living in hatred wears you down. I’ll be honest Jesus, Ive wondered if we’ll ever be the same again. I’ve hated you at times, but I’ve hated me more. I am lost.
I’ve attested to everything in your life falling apart without him. It’s true that He says, joy and peace are only gifts found in Him. My gift hasn’t been unwrapped for a long time. A heart I once knew so well, valued so much a heart my spirit longs to be with, I know no more. I’ve watched my whole life crumble and my heart feel lost more than once. I am broken.
It’s astonishing how much of our worth we put into people and into the world. I fell victim to it too. It’s hard to come face to face with hurt, rejection. It’s no cupcake. It’s easily filled with the worldly values. Suddenly the humiliation and insecurities are buried further down than we think. When we put our worth into someone else’s hands or the world and it’s amazing how quickly those false identities are ripped away the minute something goes wrong. I let a circumstance, a feeling of hurt and rejection push me into a corner. It stripped me of everything. I let it take away my confidence in Jesus along with every ounce of value I had. I have nothing.
I took a spiritual gifts test on the race. My score on the gift of mercy was so high that it basically outdid every other one. I understood how my heart worked, I understand my relationship with Jesus more. In my eyes, this gift was the greatest gift Jesus ever gave me. It was my heart. It was the closest I could possibly get to him. I was thrilled that He chose me to give this gift to. I remember feeling like He loved me so much because He gave this part of his heart to me. He taught me a lot about it, he installed a fierce excitement and passion for mercy. It was probably the most intimate time I had with Him. One thing I’ve always loved about Jesus is how gentle He is with me, it’s very unique how we communicate.
In the past year, I’ve forgotten and sheltered that gift. The problem with mercy is that it’s emotionally led. People who test really high in mercy are led my their emotions 9xs out of 10. It’s based on what we feel. It can feel very lonely at times because people don’t always understand how our hearts are wired, what we feed off of and how we run. It’s overlooked and seen as weakness , too tender or soft. I watched my excitement and love for mercy wither away into a bitter, cold, secluded girl. I was a girl who could no longer find her feelings or emotions—and being so high in mercy…that brutally ripped me away from Jesus. It was my unbiblical cord.
I had no desire to make anyone feel loved or see Jesus. I was angry and I wanted to stay that way. I became ashamed very quickly of those feelings. I hid away and pushed my gift down. You see? I am dying.
I have learned to find the power in mercy. The power in all of my emotions. How they work together and tie me to the heart of Jesus, specifically woven and hand made by Him. How they can shatter me and the people around me if I’m not careful. I am lost without my unbiblical cord. I’m standing in a storm, alone. WHERE AM I. WHO AM I. TELL ME NOW. I AM ANGRY.
I’ve watched my dreams wither from decisions I’ve made. I’ve envied my friends for living the life I was created for too but can’t seem to find it. My purpose is Jesus. My life line. My air. Every face that’s lost, that’s my purpose. My reason for life, my heart beat. Without Jesus and without my gift being used, I am nothing. But….I can breathe now.
My purpose is kingdom dreams. This i know. I was created to go, to share, to be a world changer.
This is new life. I am tired. Promise me I’ll see the sun again, the first glance of the flowers after the rain. Promise me I’ll breathe after drowning, Jesus.
This is me. You are I Am. This is going to be us again.
