It’s 3am. I’m wide awake. The lights are off, but my mind is far from it. The sound of the rain and honking horns aren’t soothing tonight. My heart is heavy. For some reason, my mind has wondered to the day I launched for the race. My mom and I are sitting in awkward silence at a hotel restaurant, I look to my sides and I see my squad mates and their families, some crying, some laughing. Not knowing hardly anything about them, and now maybe too much. I wanted to home, convinced preparing for the race was some sort of dream.
I’m home now. After my mom and I sat in awkward silence for the first week, I’m convinced being home from the race is some sort of dream. Some days are hard. My heart aches and cries to be back. I look at the things I found so important before I left and laugh at the foolishness that was. People make me angry, people with rude and entitled attitudes. I’m lonely.. I miss my friends. My heart hurts when I look around at the college and career group at church and I don’t see my people. It’s hard realizing I have to let different people into my circle. Vulnerability is hard, I don’t want anyone to know that I’m struggling. I’m prideful. I look at those people that make me angry and it’s hard remembering I used to be just like them before Jesus. It’s hard showing grace. Is hard remembering that I am no better than them, just because the Lord has blessed me to see the things I’ve seen.
When I’m in a shoe store, my mind travels back to the 12 yr old child I met in Zambia with duct tape on his feet. Never fails. I begin to push the thought away, because I’m not really sure how to remember that and what to do with the feelings it brings. Or what feelings it even brings? When someone spends a ridiculous amount of money at my work, I think of all the hungry kids they could feed with that money. And my heart breaks. And I get angry. And Jesus knocks me off my pedestal.
My mind is constantly going about something. This or that. Jesus had been teaching me the importance of rest. Resting physically and resting on him. Sometimes I can’t bring myself to go out with friends because my heart is begging me to rest. Something that didn’t happen before the race. I’ve learned it’s okay to tell people no when they ask me to do things, I don’t always have to feel bad or feel like I’m being flakey and push myself . I’ve learned it’s okay to let people out of my life that shouldn’t be there. It hurts like hell , and it’s even lonely at times, but I’ve learned healing comes when we allow ourselves to be broken. I don’t always have to have it together. I cry an embarrassing amount, but after the tears, I celebrate harder with Jesus. Another piece broken and cried out, now let’s pick up and start repairing it, together.
I don’t know what I want anymore. I’m on a nursing track and suddenly realized I want to teach elementary education, or advertising? I don’t know but I’m scared I’ll make the wrong choice. That worries me. It seems these days I can’t ever make my mind up about anything. Do I wanna hang out with this person? Do I wanna go on a date with that cute guy from work? How about I give them all an answer, then change my mind 500xs and make them mad! Omg, do I want kids? I see a screaming child and my body starts cringing, but I pass the baby section in target and my heart fills to the brim with the overflowing love I have for my unborn child. Do I want to get married? What will happen when I have to let somebody into the space of Jesus and I? When it become 3 not 2. What if I never get married? Then that means no one loves me. Great, I’m gonna be an old dog lady (I hate cats). By the end of the day, my mind is exhausted.
The things that used to fill the sad broken parts of me, definitely don’t do that anymore. Unfortunatley, tried them all when I got home and had to learn the hard way, the only way it’s going to go away now is jesus. Turns out, cultivating that life and then all of a sudden not doing it anymore cant be thing! So until i decided I was going to be okay again, I sat in my own misery. I found my “happiness“ at a club until 3 am and cried myself to sleep. That’s not pretty, and I’m sure we don’t want to hear that, but it’s the truth. I found myself waking up in the mornings with a huge hole in my heart and puffy eyes. Pulling myself out of bed was hard. I could feel jesus all around me, but I didn’t know how to really feel Him. Or let Him be there, so I ignored Him for a while.
I couldn’t cope with being home, so I pushed it down as hard as I could. But the minute I let even the smallest part of me break, it came like crashing waves. Suddenly all of my insecurities are in the table, I’m crying over people I can’t decide if my flesh hates or loves. I’m dealing with massive amounts of unforgiveness. And slowly but surely, I’m healing. Jesus and I are in this completely new place, where He shows me my brokenness, and my pride moves to the side and let’s Him comfort me and heal me, it’s a strange thing. We’re kinda stumbling around. But that’s okay, because we’re all a little broken. I’ve been really ashamed to let people know what’s going on, it’s all supposed to be perfect right? I just got back from this awesome thing, and suddenly my life feels like it’s falling apart. Good. It needed to.
It is currently 352 am, and I have an 830 class.
