Hi friends! I know it’s been a while since I posted a blog, I apologize. But good news is, since it’s been a while that just means I have a lot to share!
When I was just a little kiddo I knew that I was called to India. I saw the brokenness and the darkness and my heart ached to be here sharing the light of Jesus. The Lord put it on my heart to adopt from India, He put the women here on my heart, and He put the need for His lost sons and daughters to know Him on my heart. India was my country. And I was confident in that…until about a month ago.
When we arrived in India, I couldn’t have been more excited, I knew that Jesus was going to grow me in so many ways and stretch my comfortably beyond belief. I thought I knew what He was going to grow me in and I was ready for it, I had it all planned out in my head ehat I was going to work on with Him, turns out I was very wrong. As I kept praying and asking the Lord what we (He and I) were going to do together in India, he told me rest. He also told me that this was going to be my hardest season. India being my hardest season wasn’t really what I was expecting, I mean after all, this was my country. I was supposed to thrive here right? So I just pushed that to the side and decided that it was not going to be hard for me! Don’t really know how I was making that decision for myself?
Week two in India rolls around, ya girl is strugglin, In every way possible, but I would not admit it to myself! We are in the middle of no where, with very little access to anything and honestly, I was miserable. I was tired all the time, literally exhausted, I was having trouble choosing into ministry, I wanted to be working with women and in human trafficking and we are doing VBS for a couple hours a day, wasn’t to happy about that, but I was struggling the most in feeling intimate with the Lord. I couldn’t hear Him, I couldn’t feel His presence, I couldn’t even focus during my quite time.
I felt alone and very discouraged. I couldn’t figure out why in the world being here was so hard for me if I know in my heart I am supposed to be here! I wanted so badly to instantly fall in love here, it just didn’t happen that way.
By the time debrief comes, I am starting to get mad at the Lord for not speaking to me! I needed Him to tell me what the heck was going on, to answer my questions and to make me remember why I came here in the first place, because I sure as crap couldn’t remember. One night, I’m in worship, literally begging God to take me to a place where it’s just He and I, where I am completely emerged in His presence. When I ask Him to take me there it’s almost like He takes over my whole body and I can’t feel anything other than Him, it’s our place. Well, that wasn’t happening, I couldn’t get to our place. Of course, this broke my heart and was so discouraging. I thought for sure I had done something to make Him forget me, so really I just wallered in that for the rest of the night. The next morning, I am DETERMINED that He is GOING to talk to me that day! So I go OFF on Him about how it’s so rude to not answer people and to let them be sad and how dare He let me keep begging to hear Him and He ignore me! Well when I was done with my tantrum… I finally heard Him.
Jesus says to me “you’re an idiot. Do you not believe that I’ve heard you? That I’ve seen you? What’s been you’re hardest struggle since being in India savannah?” And I tell Him it’s feeling intimate with Him and choosing Him, every moment of every day. He then tells me “This is going to be your hardest season because this is the season that you are going to learn what it looks like to fight for me. To choose me over sitting in your own sadness, letting me have that and fighting for a relationship with me. You’ve been yelling at me about how I was the one who forgot you, but really you haven’t nurtured our relationship his whole month. Our relationship is like a garden Sav, when you water it, the plants and flowers are vibrant and full of life, but when you forget to water it, or choose not to, they begin to welpt. The peddles start turning brown and breaking off and soon enough, you’re left with a bunch of weeds. Look at this past month, have you realllly been watering the garden as much as you’ve been yelling at me that you have? Have you taken the time to sit with me, or just assumed our garden would survive? I’ve been crying out for you just like a sheep calls out for his master, except when the sheep calls, it’s master comes, you haven’t come.”
That was a lot to process. A hard, but needed slap. Which looking back, knowing that I wasn’t choosing Him fully, it now makes since why I was struggling to much!! Later that night, at worship I ask the Lord again to take me to a place where it’s just Him and I. This time is happens. A COMPLETELY NEW PLACE. GIRLS, THIS TIME HE TOOK ME TO THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN. This time, instead of standing infront of Him, with a considerable amount of distance between us like normal, He was cradling me, like a baby.
This past two weeks have been the best two weeks of the race for me. I’ve learned (and am still in the process of learning) how to abide in Him and let Him abide in me (John 15:5)I’ve had intentional time with Him everyday, opened myself up to hearing Him speak to me in new ways, I’ve seen His goodness in everything and experienced the joy He has given me on whole new levels. Im learning how to die to myself and pick up my cross everyday. I’m seeing the results of what my life looks like being filled up by Him and not worldly things or people. I’m able to go to ministry and instead of wishing I was doing something else, I am able to go with a full heart and leave with a heart that is overflowing with Him. He taught me how to see the beauty in 50+ kids signing to Him and He chose ME to get to be apart of that. He chose ME to bring Kingdom in that to bring His heart joy and His ears glory. To speak life over these kids, even if I never see them again. To appreciate where I am. In the past 2 weeks my entire view and heart for India has changed. Now, I know my purpose here is to learn how to focus on Me and Jesus, to learn how to water the garden constantly l, to let Him take me to new places, dig out the hurt in my heart that I have buried so deep. To learn what it’s like to rely on Him as a Father. I just feel low a whole new person people!
My squad mentor was telling the squad that often, people get good and perfect mixed up with God. God is a perfect, good God, but He doesn’t say that everything is going to be perfect, he just promises that it’s going to be good. So although we may be going through crap and hurting like hell, we have to remember the promise He made us that it’s going to be good. God never told me that India was going to be perfect, that’s been that last thing it is:) but he promised me that the trials I face in India are good, because everything He does flows from the goodness of His heart.
Also I’ve earned that doing life with the Lord by your side 24/7 is just a whole lot easier than not. It’s like a constant best friend that never gets tired of you:) you can yell at Him and cry at Him and fight Him, and he’s still going to pick up the pieces for you and love you through it. We serve such a good God.
