My dad has been in and out of my life since I was 15 years old. (another story, another day) My grandfathers, Papa Doug and Granddaddy, were my father figures throughout high school and college. Both of them had larger than life personalities. Strongly rooted in the Word, loved telling jokes, spending time with family, and singing (belted out songs ALL the time)…I wonder who I got it from?? HA!
When my Papa Doug passed away after battling cancer for a year, I couldn’t stop crying. A couple of months later, my Granddaddy passed away from a very aggressive cancer as well. One of the last things he told my mom was to “take care of the girls because I can’t anymore.” He was referring to me and my little sister. On that day, I went numb. I guess you could say the light went out of my eyes. Who was going to sing with me? Who was going to walk me down the aisle? Who was I going to call when I had car trouble or got lost? I shared a lot in common with my grandfathers. Who was going to understand me? Who was going to be proud of me? Who was going to love me?
I fell into depression.
I was going into my last semester at the University of Memphis (had already ordered my cap and gown) and was working part-time at Varsity Spirit Brands, the company I had always wanted to work for. Even though I was smiling, talking, and laughing with people, I would go home and just cry.
As the months went on, it got worse. I was hardly eating. I completely stopped hanging out with friends, and I dropped out of school. Yes, a few months until graduation, and I stopped going to class. I pushed away my family, friends, and anyone who tried to get close to me.
I felt like no one understood me, but on the other hand, I figured no one wanted to hear me complain or cry…. So I just smiled. Laughed and smiled. This mindset trapped me and put a deep rooted fear of showing real emotion.
Let’s stop right here for a sec. Have you or anyone you know ever felt like this? Almost like you’re a burden, so you don’t talk about it. You’re in pain, and you can’t make it stop. Maybe you feel like that now. Read through Psalm 119. Over and over and over. Pray it. Meditate on it.
I knew deep down this was a dangerous path to go down, so I tried to pull myself out of the gutter and get more involved in church. And I did. Instead of just going to the Sunday morning and occasional night services, I served in six different ministries, which had me there about five days a week. After months of trying to convince myself that I was ok, God spoke so clearly to me one particular night. I was on my knees beside my bed crying out to God asking Him why the pain wasn’t going away. I was going to church. I was trying to serve and love others. So why was the pain still there?
He reminded me that I was using church as a distraction, not as a place to worship Him and grow. I wasn’t actually leaning on God. It was just religion, not a relationship. I was keeping everyone at a distance including God. His love had always been there, but I was too numb and disconnected to see it.
That night opened my eyes to see God as He truly is: LOVE. Love that is compassionate. Love that is unchanging. Love that is generous. He reveals more every day who I am in Him. God was there in the beginning, and He is here with us now. It’s been almost four years since that night, and my relationship with Him has grown tremendously. When you’re trying to receive love, approval, and protection from another person, it is bound to fail at times. We’re only human.
We can only find true stability in God. Am I saying my emotions don’t surface up sometimes? No. But it’s being able to recognize emotion and replace it with God’s Word. It’s like how Matthew 7:24-27 talks about building your house on the rock and not the sand. By studying God’s Word, seeing His character and love, we are able to truly love ourselves and ultimately love others.
It’s easy to look at people and think they have it together, but you never know what others are going through. “Love others how I have loved you.” – John 15:12.
Here’s a challenge: share your testimony with someone this week. Tell them how God brought you out of a certain lifestyle or stronghold. Encourage them. Tell them about the hope we have in Jesus.
P.S. Going on the World Race has encouraged me to finish school. I graduate this May. At first, I didn’t want to tell anyone. I guess it was pride. When I told a few others about going back, a couple of them ended up having one or two classes left too. One even told me that I inspired them to go back and finish. “God doesn’t waste our sorrows.”
Song of the week: “Through Your Eyes” by Britt Nicole https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJzaQP1GmEc
Verse of the week (well actually let’s read the full chapter): 1 Corinthians 13
