One thing I have been working on this past month is cultivating a culture of unoffendedness and feedback. As I sat here wondering what to blog about, God continued to lay these two topics on my heart. Perhaps you don’t understand what I mean by these two terms and how they apply to my life, those around me, and World Race culture in general, and maybe even how they apply to your life, but that’s okay. Let’s just dive in.
Unoffendedness
Have you ever noticed how touchy and offendable we are? Something as small as a “wrong look” or a reaction we didn’t expect can leave us incredibly offended; even hurt. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been offended by others’ actions. I can’t remember what offended me, but I can remember how offendedness affects the mind and the heart. Used to be, when I am offended by someone, I tended to hold my tongue. I just let it slide and moved on with what I was doing, but the offence buried itself deep in my heart. Once it stewed long enough, it turned into resentment, and my mind created a warped opinion about that person. The issue with offendedness is that too often, the other person did not intentionally do whatever they did to offend us. Many times they aren’t even aware of hurt or resentment they’ve caused. How many times could we clear up the offense at its source and prevent resentment from burrowing into our hearts if we just extended grace on a regular basis?
If someone “looks at you wrong,” just extend grace. More than likely they do not realize how you are perceiving that. If someone does something annoying or offensive, extend grace. Forgive them on the spot and let it go. I developed many a warped perception of people on my squad because I’ve been offended by them in some way, shape, or form. I asked not to be placed in teams with certain people because I had formed a distorted opinion about them following tiny offences. Did I really know the person? No. At training camp I was switched to an entirely new squad where I knew absolutely noone except for the girl who switched with me. I didn’t know any of these people, yet at every small offence I would assume the worst. I didn’t extend grace. I had an air of entitlement about me and in my mind where I thought everyone should act towards me how I wanted them to. If they acted differently, I was offended. I did gain a bit of resentment, and this lasted all the way up to my month at H.O.P.E. Then I actually got to know these people. I got a glimpse into their hearts, and what I saw was completely different than the perceptions I’d formed about them at training camp. For a while I felt guilty for requesting not to be on a team with these people, but God gave me grace through that. Now, instead of being quick to take offence, I’m quick to give grace. Or I try to be. If someone speaks in the wrong tone, I give grace. If someone doesn’t react how I want them to, I give grace. If someone does or says something unintentionally hurtful, I give grace. We are all only human. We are going to make mistakes. We are not perfect. Let’s reach out in grace and compassion to each other instead of withdrawing into ourselves and developing hurt and resentment. Imagine what kind of world that would be.
Feedback
When we think of feedback, it often has three connotations: positive, negative, and constructive. Most people love positive feedback, because it inflates egos and instils pride. Most people take offence to negative, and even constructive feedback. Here on the Race, we practice affirmative (a twist on positive) and constructive feedback. The purpose of feedback is to call each other higher into their full potential in God so that they become the person God made them to be. Sometimes this process is nice and sometimes it is painful. None of us are perfect. We fail in many ways on a daily basis, but feedback allows us to better ourselves and to become the best version of us that we can be.
How often do you call each other higher within your marriage, your kids, your friends, or your family? If you are anything like me, the answer would be fairly rare to never. At home I was so concerned about stepping on toes. I was terrified of judgement or rejection. But a question was posed to me in a way that really convicted me: How much do you have to hate somebody to withhold feedback that would draw them into a higher character and make them look more like Christ? How high do we hold our selfishness that we would rather withhold character-building feedback out of fear that it may step on toes or put cracks in a relationship? I’ve been incredibly guilty of these things, especially within my immediate family. I have been guilty of ranting to someone else about a problem I have with a person instead of going directly to that person and confronting them (in love). But here we cannot do that. Here that habit breaks. Here, I not only have to work on giving feedback, but I also have to work on receiving. When we receive feedback, we are not allowed to get defensive. We are not allowed to explain ourselves. The only appropriate response is “Thank you.” Many times, feedback has to do with sharing how people perceived you through a situation, and everyone’s perceptions are valid. If we have a problem with feedback we’ve received we have to wait 24 hours, pray about it and take it to the Lord, and if we are still bothered, we talk with that person individually.
How awesome would it be if this was the way families functioned? By being completely honest and vulnerable in feedback, we stop gossip and confrontations at their source. We swallow our pride, humble ourselves, let down our defences and accept that sometimes we are wrong. Sometimes we do hurtful things without realizing it. Sometimes we act in ways that don’t reflect Christ. And as much as we hate it, those times need to be confronted and called out. Because God grows us through that and, as Christians, there should be nothing we want more, other than our relationship with Christ, than to grow to be more like Him.
