Our one month anniversary has arrived. It’s officially been one month since I hugged all of your necks goodbye. One month of living with my new family in intense community. One month without double stuffed Oreos and a tall glass of milk. Bulgaria was such a blessing and a great way to ease my team into the race. We felt like month one was preparation for all of us. Preparation to leave the lives in which we were coasting by and follow God’s promise of being a part of something bigger than ourselves. This month has already had its struggles as well as its victories. We are currently spending two days on a train back to Romania for month two and I can’t help but wonder what the lesson in this time of preparation was for me.
Dare I go hallmark on you and tell you that my biggest prayer for this year is that I would be on a honeymoon with the Lord. I know so super Christian cliché and totally not like me. In fact I’m embarrassed to even type that. However it’s true. This year more than anything I want to grow to understand love. The love that my Savior has for me, what it looks like, how I can spread that to others, how I can use that in my own relationships with others around me. I’ve been praying for change and intimacy with my creator. Praying for more of him in whatever form he wants to bring it to me. Well folks Jesus is good and he is answering my prayers. Numerous times this month I have seen glimpses of His love for me, but I’m frozen in fear. I have been asking for Him to change my heart and to change me into the women he made me to be but I’m scared to do my part in the process. My fear of this change and this kind of vulnerability is holding me back and keeping me from reaching out and grabbing the help that He has placed right in front of me.
In Romans 8:35-37 Christ tells us how overwhelmingly great his love is so that we will feel totally secure in Him. He says, “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.” This passage reaffirms God’s profound love for his people. No matter what happens to us, no matter where we are, we can NEVER be lost to his love. Suffering should not drive us away from God, but help us to identify with him further and allow his love to reach us and heal us. If we believe these overwhelming assurances we will not be afraid. So as I go into the second month of my journey standing in fear of the change that I came seeking after, will you pray with me? Pray that I would continue to see little parts of the women he made me to be. Pray that my feet would not stay stuck in fear but that they would walk boldly in change. Accepting that the process is messy and hard but worth it. Pray that I would believe in the whisper that I hear my Father telling me over and over again, that “We will walk through this together. Do not give up and runaway, I will not let you go.”
