Even though I am in Bulgaria now, life at home goes on. And even though I am far from all of my loved ones there, their decisions and the things that happen still have an affect on me. And lately there has been something that really just makes me feel very disappointed. Something that makes me worry for the future; not my future, but I worry nonetheless.
Almost immediately after hearing this news my response was to think, “none of this would be happening if my dad hadn’t died three and a half years ago.”
Now I know what you’re thinking, but just hang with me; I’m trying to be very real, even if I don’t always have the correct responses!
Back to all of the things that I used to want.
I have been praying about things at home for a few days now, and I have gone through about every emotion that I can go through, but worship today was so good! We sang all of the classic 90’s and early 2000’s worship songs that are so good!! The ones that take you straight to the heart of God! To the place where His presence is so heavy that you can’t help but be so at peace with everything going on around you, and on the other side of the globe.
This afternoon I was spending some time with Jesus and He took me back to that place of peace where I was reminded of the “dreams” that I once had for my life while these songs were such a big part of my life. My dreams from then are nothing like my reality now! When I was in high school my dream was to go to college, meet my husband, be a missionary to one country, have my happy little family support me from Texas, and everything was going to be happy and easy. As I remembered this dream I compared it to my current life and I just laughed. I am single, I am a missionary to 11 countries, my dad is no longer alive, my family supports me tremendously, but sometimes things are extremely challenging. On top of all of that I have some of the most incredible friends that a girl could ask for, I have this picture of what God will do with my life that blows my mind, and I am doing ministry in ways that I never really saw for myself, but I know with all of my heart that everything that I am learning now will be useful for the rest of my life!
So in comparing my past dreams and my current realities, all while remembering James 1: 2-4, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” I came to a beautiful realization, yet again.
Life is hard sometimes, you don’t always understand the things that people do, people will always let you down, but no matter what is going on God is so good, and He is using it to make me complete. I am not responsible for anybody else’s decisions, only my own; and my purpose in life is not to be upset, frustrated, confused, or hurt by people. I will probably feel those things at different points in life, but I cannot hang onto those feelings. My purpose here on this Earth is to be like Jesus, and Jesus is love; therefore I must love.
This is a conclusion that I have come to on many occasions over the course of my life, but I am so thankful that God keeps reminding me of it; so that I don’t have to spend an unnecessary amount of my life dwelling on how disappointed I am.
