Hello to my dearest friends and family!
As some of you might already know, I recently made the decision to embark on a spiritual journey across the world for 11 months, where my team and I will serve daily at the hands and feet of Christ! We will be travelling to Guatemala, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Morocco, Ethiopia, Djibouti, India, Nepal, Myanmar, Thailand, and Indonesia, serving in each country for one month each. I will be the first to say that I NEVER anticipated God would lead me into depths of the such unknown waters; truthfully I never saw myself worthy enough to be given such an opportunity, something I might touch on in a later post. The past few years have been an all out war within myself: who am I, what on Earth am I doing, why am I not feeling fulfilled in life, and it is so incredible to say that God has conquered every single one of these fears and ‘inadequacies’. Standing on the other side of heartache and struggle, I am so eager to share my journey in the hopes that it might offer encouragement to others who are walking through the fire. TRUSTING in God’s marvelous plan and ACCEPTING his love has completely transformed my life; in Him I am truly FREE, not because he has taken away my struggles, but because I know that no matter what comes my way, He will NEVER fail me.
“Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.”?—?1 John 4:4, ESV
So how did I get to this cornerstone in my life and why exactly am I going on the World Race, you might ask. I suppose to understand, I’d have to back up a bit. If you have stuck with any of the updates on my future plans over the course of my life, props to you for making it this far. ‘Figuring out’ what I want to do in life has always been a struggle of mine, mostly because I held such unattainably high expectations for myself. I think I considered just about every career option out there. It started out in Kindergarten when I wanted to be a Paleontologist; I mean who wouldn’t want to dig up cool dinosaur bones? My pre-teen self was inspired by the fearless determination of Elle Woods and wanted to go to Harvard to be a lawyer; I ended up going back to this idea after I graduated from college, studying months to prepare the LSAT, ultimately flunking it, and realizing that I didn’t want to be a lawyer after all. Becoming a doctor was another dream of mine at some point, but like all the other options I had considered, something just didn’t feel quite right about this path either. My most recent plan was to attend a university of Scotland and study philosophy, perhaps eventually earning a doctorate and becoming a professor at a university. This last possibility almost came to light, but something in my heart stopped me from fully committing to this choice, too.
Let me stop here for a bit. In hindsight, the struggle to find my place in life was simply a result of my own stubbornness in building up my own plans, rather than listening to the great plans that the Lord already had for my life. I could feel God pulling on my heartstrings, as if he was saying ‘Just sit still and listen to me.’ But sitting still in patience is something that has never come easy to me, and I continued to reject his gentle nudging on my heart and raged on in my battle to ‘figure it out’ on my own.
Finding my place in life was a visible struggle to all who know me. I have ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS been indecisive and difficult to please. But if I’m being honest, trying to figure out what career path I wanted to take was really a miniscule problem compared to a much larger struggle: the giant hole in my heart, the void that couldn’t be filled, the lost soul inside of me. College was where I reached my ultimate low. I felt hopeless. I felt like I’d never find happiness. I realized my perfect plans were simply impossible to fulfill, and I felt like no matter what I did, it would never be enough for me. I remember very little about my first two and a half years of college; I was in a state of deep depression and for a school as large as UT, I was utterly isolated.
I remember sitting at a table for lunch on campus one day in the middle of my second year at UT. I was eating by myself. I always ate by myself. Students around me were eating Chick-fil-A and feeding the squirrels. I was eating my homemade salad with my head in a book. I was sad as usual. I was used to being sad. I had accepted it. Out of the blue two girls came up to me and asked to sit with me. They shared the most beautiful message I had ever heard. It was about a Savior, an ultimate sacrifice, and salvation for all those who believe. I was intrigued, but I didn’t fully understand. I felt a bit uncomfortable, a bit unsure about what I was hearing, and not really sure what to say. I didn’t know it at the time, but this small seed of faith they planted in my heart would grow and grow into something I would have never been able to imagine.
Accepting God into my life was a SLOW journey of healing, letting go of control, and trusting Him. It took me a very long time to fully accept the love that God has to offer us, but as I began to pour myself into Him, everything in my life began to change. The sadness dissolved away. The aimless worry ceased. My mind was quieted. I was given a purpose, a reason to live and even to smile everyday. One of the hardest things for me to accept was the ultimate truth that God loves me. Of course I had heard from my early catechism days that God loved me, but I never really experienced it for myself. Knowing that and experiencing that changed everything, especially me.
“ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” – 2 Corinthians 5:17
I mentioned above that the acceptance of God into my life took quite a long time. I want to be clear that this added time was really a result of my own stubbornness and fear of giving up full control. By no means does everyone take this long accepting God in their life. Looking back I was simply unwilling to let go of the final thread that was keeping me from living in freedom with Him. It was as if I was willing to let God control some areas of my life, but oh no, not when it comes to my career decisions. Leave that up to me. So there I was, ‘figuring it out’, except not really getting that far at figuring it out. There was a point where it all just became too much for me, and I just had to admit to myself that I truly had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. What would have been an ultimate low for me at this point turned out to be a major turning point, a defining moment of clarity. I asked God, once and for all, to take the reigns; it was at that point that I let go of every dream I had for my life and adopted a new dream of simply walking with and being in the presence of Jesus. A strength like no other that I had experienced began to well up inside of me. Because of Him, no mountain was too big to climb. I felt like every single struggle I had endured over the past years of my life had a purpose because He had made in me a warrior for Him. I felt as if there was nothing He could ask of me that I would not do. I was on fire, and ready to move. But this time not for me, but for Him.
It wasn’t long before God stirred the idea of the World Race inside of me. I meant it with my whole heart when I told Him I would go wherever He led me, to any lengths. And here He was asking me, “Well? Are you ready?” It was an easy answer. I said YES! I feel so grateful to that God has entrusted me with the opportunity and responsibility to share his unfailing love with people across the world. A love that had saved my life and made me a new creation in Him. It has been one wild ride, but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, and neither would He.
“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit” – Matthew 28:19
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. Your prayers and support mean so much to me. More to come.
Much love,
SaVanna
