This month was full of expectations thrown out the door. Month one has been full of exploration, learning, taking baby steps, really amazing moments and a lot of challenges. At our debrief, we were given a set of questions to sit and reflect on. Since so many of you have kept up with my journey through reading blogs, donating, and praying, the least I can do is share the real, honest answers that sum up month one for me.
Q: What was good this month?
A: My first moments here were good. I remember hopping on my bike for the first time, letting go of my expectations and feeling super free. Just the fact that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me so much that I get to live a life of so much freedom and the opportunity to serve Him everyday. I felt myself beginning to let go of any perfection I was seeking and embracing the messy, unscripted, real moments. Those moments were where I found the most joy. Learning and practicing true Sabbath was good. I found rest in ways I didn’t know rest existed. I heard the Lord speak to me in new ways. I now have a better understanding of Jesus’ character and how to strive to be more like Him everyday.
Q: What was hard this month?
A: So much of this month was difficult. Homesickness was a butt-kicker. I thought it’d be easy but so many times I longed to be home with my comforts and family. The things I never expected to miss, I randomly missed. I thought the Race would be distraction free. The race is just life in another country though. The distractions aren’t the same as home but they still exist and some days are much harder to choose into Jesus. It’s something that you have to do if you want to be present and focused on the mission. It is actually very easy to wake up here and have a day that is selfishly focused on your own desires. Being sick was hard. The homesickness grew deeper, as well as doubt and some pretty battling spiritual warfare. I couldn’t even text my family some days without bursting into tears. These tests have definitely grown my dependence on the Lord so I am thankful for the challenges.
Q: What did you learn about God?
A: He is never changing. His character stays the same in all circumstances that occur in my life. I’ve learned that I don’t always trust His timing even when I think I do; part of me is super impatient but I am growing in that. I’ve learned that even when I feel like I can’t hear the Lord, He is still listening and knows what is best for me. I’ve learned that when things happen, I’m quick to lean into people and rely too much on them. I’ll be quick to turn to family back home or even teammates rather than going straight to Him. I’m learning that He knows best and should be my place of dependence. I’ve learned that I can’t get through the day without leaning into Him for strength.
Q: What do I need to release to God?
A: Any anger I had from being sick and questioning the goodness of the Father because I was unaware that is was a teaching lesson that He would use to push me to greater lengths of dependence on Him. Any fears of the future- fears of getting sick again, hating my ministries, getting tired of this journey and wanting to give up at any given point. Entitlement and chasing after my own desires rather than seeking Kingdom perspective and having Jesus at the center of everything I do.
Q: What is something God spoke to you in this past month that you can take to the next month?
A: Everything God spoke to me were things I hope to take into this next month. These things are all basic reminders to have a Kingdom perspective, to seek any opportunity to share the amazing love that I have experienced, to not allow myself to become the focus of this journey but to keep my eyes set on things above.
Q: What are you excited about for Month 2?
A: I’m excited to be back in a familiar place. Month one was all about getting on my feet, learning about the culture around me and learning what would work and what wouldn’t. It was a month of a lot of self realization. I’m excited to be challenged with new scheduled ministry doing things I’ve never experienced. I’m excited for the layout of my day where I’ll have time to either rest in the Lord’s presence, spend time praying for the people in the surrounding community, or ATL (Asking The Lord) to lead me places and do whatever He speaks to me. I have a lot of peace about the rest of my time here in Cambodia.
Q: What makes you nervous?
A: I’m nervous to fall back into any month one habits that pushed me farther from the Lord; just little things like using my time wisely and not letting myself just go through the motions. Prayers appreciated for a focused, renewed mind.
Q: What words is God speaking over this next month?
A: REST. DEPENDENCE. SURRENDER. KINGDOM PERSPECTIVE. SPIRIT-DRIVEN. BOLD.
