Not going to lie… these past few weeks have been tough. Some of the hardest in my life. But I’m here to declare that the Lord is good. He is faithful. And He heals.
It all started with the quick onset of a high fever in the crowded van as my team was headed to Bangkok, Thailand to get our visas renewed. My body felt weak and it was the first time in Cambodia where I actually felt cold. Oddly freezing. The next day my body was too weak to get out of bed and I wrestled with myself for the next few hours debating on if I had enough strength to get up and go to the bathroom before I peed myself.
Fast forward a few days and I’m sitting at the doctor’s house with no improvement thinking I most likely have the virus that’s been passed around the squad when the doctor says, “I think you have dengue fever.”
For those who don’t know, Dengue Fever is a daytime mosquito borne illness, usually caught by younger children, yet as a foreigner covered in mosquito bites, I had fallen victim. Dengue doesn’t have any real treatment besides drinking fluids, rest and Tylenol meaning for the next week I was in bed- extremely homesick, missing my last week of teaching, and questioning a lot.I was bundled up in layers inside my sleeping bag in a room with no AC where I’d normally be sweating with fevers peaking 102.5. A rash that covered my body to the palms of my hands and between my toes. Everything aching and only finding the strength needed to get up to go to the bathroom. No appetite and resisting water because it tasted like acid. Feeling like I was missing out on my last moments to teach the children English and form relationships. Having absolutely no motivation to do anything except lay down and crowd my mind with the many questions, doubts and emotions I was feeling. I didn’t understand why God allowed me to catch this sickness. Why out of the 60 people covered in mosquito bites, I was the lucky victim of dengue. I wanted to opt out. I thought of home a lot- and it’s the only place I wanted to be. But as always, the Lord never does anything by mistake. He always has a purpose. And although I found myself really angry at God for letting this happen in the moment, I was able to reflect back on what He was teaching me all along.
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He is GOOD. Despite any circumstance, the Lord remains good. We are constantly changing, but the Father’s character never changes. His goodness is above comprehension. It took me about 100 times of telling myself that He is good because it was hard to believe in the moment of suffering through, but indeed He is good. We can’t let our definition of the Father be altared by what we are facing. Life isn’t easy and He never promised us that, but we can rest easy in knowing that He is good.
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His timing is perfect. What felt like an inconvenient time to be struck with sickness, He purposely allowed it to happen then. We are quick to ask for things and expect God to give it to us in our desired timing. But He is the Creator of time. He knows what is best for us and we must approach things with a patient heart, recognizing that He has a plan and His timing is spot on. Habakkuk 2:3
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He has blessed me with a community that loves me. He loves me through my team everyday, but I felt extremely blessed and comforted knowing they were so willing to serve and take care of me. Constantly checking up, bringing me snacks or meals when I wanted to eat, and covering me in prayers. Knowing that I have a family back home who loves me and a family here who loves me helped me find peace. Deuteronomy 31:6.
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Rest is so important. Not just taking a nap. But time solely dedicated to resting in the Lord. My body was at rest all week, but my mind was far from rested. It was going every direction in thoughts. Rest is needed in our walks with Christ. It can be a time that brings peace or a whole lot of revelation that the Lord is actually taking us through a lot but we haven’t recognized it yet because we have crowded our minds with the busyness of life. He is always speaking and teaching but we must intentionally rest if we want to hear. It’s also just mentally recharging and so beneficial to keep sane.
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I’ve been seeking God’s power more than His presence. I’ve been seeking healing rather than my Healer. We do this a lot. We want the gift more than the Giver. The saving more than the Savior. This made me think of the story of Job. Through the unfortunate events that Job faces, He turns His suffering into praises. Job 1:20 “ The he fell to the ground in worship”. When life throws trials at you, do you seek the power or the presence of God? Do you turn your suffering into praising Him regardless? I know for a fact that I wasn’t falling at my knees in worship when I felt terribly ill. All I wanted was healing, yet I was mad at the Healer.
Anyways those are just a few things the Lord has taught me during this time of sickness. He is still good, His timing is perfect, He blesses us abundantly, and we must seek out time with Him to allow Him to show us what He’s teaching. And I’m finally back on my feet and feeling so much better, mentally and physically. Thank you to those who have been praying for me. It means the world to know I’m being loved and supported by so many. Mosquitos suck but atleast I have such a loving Father who would take the time to use them to teach me how much greater He is than this sickness. The enemy has no place here.
