I’ve known since November that I would be trekking about the globe with the World Race, and consequently have had a great deal of time to reflect on this decision.
I’ve come to the conclusion lately that I'm stuck in a rut in which the only emotion I can comprehend is fear.
Once I moved beyond the initial excitement of officially committing to the race, I realized that above all else, the World Race terrifies me.
It scares me knowing that I’ll be away from my friends and family for 11 months.
It scares me to have to raise $15,500.
It scares me talking to people about my trip that don’t support my decision.
It scares me having to tell people that I’m not settling into some 9-5 job, something that’s somewhat expected of me graduating from this university.
It scares me to think of having daily migraines in a polluted, noisy, unsanitary place.
It scares me that I will miss some of my best friends’ weddings.
It scares me that there is a strict rule against dating, what if I fall in love?
It scares me that I that I could get sick in a country that doesn't have exemplary medical care.
It scares me that I’ll be sharing some of my most vulnerable thoughts on this blog for the whole world to see.
The fears could go on. But lately I’ve also been learning a lot. A lot about fear. And I’ve realized that the only thing more terrifying for me than going on the race is NOT going on the race. Because if I wasn’t going on the World Race right now, I’d be facing a whole different set of fears:
I'd be scared to just settle for a mediocre life.
I’d be scared of becoming lukewarm in my faith after I graduated.
I'd be scared that my story was not being heard by the people God intended to hear it.
I'd be scared of facing a new life situation with no immediate community to hold me accountable.
I’d be scared of living a boring life, void of adventure, with no story to tell.
I’d be scared of settling into some 9-5 routine, and lose my purpose and drive.
I’d be scared that I would become consumed with finding a job with the highest pay grade, as opposed to a career that I was really passionate about.
I’d be scared that I would fall away from Jesus.
I can handle the first set of fears—fears that all stem from my own doubt in God. I’ll face them knowing that God is good and He will not abandon me. He will not leave me stranded when He has so clearly called me to the World Race.
But what I can’t live with is the second set of fears, because all those fears stem from ignoring the passions and calling that God has placed on my heart. For me, that’s the World Race. For others it’s staying and serving right where they are.
God doesn’t want us to live a boring life. He calls us to a life of adventure and love. He wants us to be constantly living a good story, one full of excitement. Though there’s fear in that, fear of the unknown, God’s love is greater. In His love, there is no fear.
I'm praying to push past my doubts and fears so that I can live the life of adventure I was meant to live. I'm praying for confidence and trust in the Holy of Holy's to calm my fears and be my strength.
