Hey everyone!
Finally, after almost 3 months of being come from the Race, I am writing my final blog. WOO! You probably forgot I was ever gone lol. I chose not to write it right away for a number of reasons… and yes, one of them was laziness. But the main reason I didn’t was because I honestly didn’t know what I was going to say. I was feeling very numb and empty after coming off of the most emotional and spiritual experience of my life. But tonight I have finally managed to put together at least some words.
My life has changed. I am a different person than I was before the world race. I often need to remind myself that, and sometimes I think I have changed in a bad way…. I spent a lot of my summer by myself. I turned into a complete loner. Just kidding. Kind of. But really, a summer after 9 months constantly surrounded by people calls for a time of rest and refilling.
As I said, there are moments where I have a hard time believing I have changed at all… I find myself being sucked into old habits of apathy and self-hatred. Yea, not fun. This has been hugely triggered since started school. I am currently at Grove City College, and my emotions are SERIOUSLY all over the place! One moment I feel confident in my calling here, and then suddenly I find myself wondering why it is that I can survive 8 days in the mountains with no electricity or plumbing, yet I somehow can’t possibly to go to a meal by myself.
It is almost as if reentry is finally hitting me… I miss my WR family more than ever:(. I long to be worshipping in a hostel in Brasov, pouring my heart out to the Lord with no worries or insecurities tugging at me. And yes, as difficult as it was, I miss that week in Nepal where I encountered Jesus in those who had so little possessions but had more gratitude and love than I had ever previously witnessed.
College is difficult. I feel lost, lonely, and over extroverted (really though… its tough being an introvert college freshman). I seem to have misplaced myself… I literally keep feeling as if I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve been finding it difficult being myself with people, and suddenly a level of social anxiety is a reality for me.
So I have to ask… WHY?? Why is this happening? Have I not learned who I am in Him? Am I not capable of letting go of my earthly insecurities and allowing Him to shine through instead? What is happening to me?
Something that has been hugely hurled at my face several times (it has to keep being thrown because I somehow keep forgetting) is that I am not alone in feeling this way. An approach I have started taking (as per my wonderful mother’s advice) is to see my encounters with people as an opportunity to bless and encourage them. How can I show them Jesus? How can I be a representation of His love? College is a mission field, guys. This might be a Christian campus, but some of its students may not really know Him.
So yea… this is whats up with me with reentry. Also some of my medical issues that I acquired on the Race liked me so much they followed me home… so prayer for that would be very appreciated. In addition to that, please pray for strength, confidence in who I am in Him, peace (anxiety is no fun), and joy as the school part of school kicks into gear!
This is my last blog! Unless I get super inspired in the future and feel the need to share it with everyone.
Thank you for reading!!
