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[Fundraising Update – I am nearing my second deadline and am only $500 away. (This is a huge praise) I have been covered with love and support and being this close to my deadline is a wonderful relief. If you are interested in supporting me on my journey (even if that isn’t financially), please ask me how! Another great way to spread the story of my journey is by sharing this blog with your friends. The more people that I have here at home praying for me and supporting me the better. There is power in prayer! So please tell your friends!]
Training Camp.
In three days I am leaving for 10 days to experience a taste of what life is going to be like on the race. I am going to meet my team, meet my leaders, and experience what I expect to be 11 months of learning experiences simulated into 10 days. By learning experiences I mean challenges. We are going to be pushed physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Training camp is going to be hard. I’ll be sleeping in my tent and using my sleeping bag. We will be packing and unpacking every day, moving tent locations and sometimes sleeping in buses or in a simulated airport. We will be tired, and probably hungry sometimes. I am so excited to experience these things with my team. When we are pushed it forces us to be raw and real, and these people are going to be my family for the next year.
I’m excited to walk into a place that has zero expectation of me and to just be. I’m excited to be open about my faith with strangers that will quickly become family. I’m excited to let walls down that I don’t let down with just anyone.
I’m also a little bit scared. I have some fears; the first being that the moment I arrive to training camp I will be hit with the reality that I’m leaving for 11 months. I’m leaving my country, my comfort and my fiance. That is going to be so hard. Reality is scary. Training camp always seemed far enough away that I wouldn’t have to worry about it, but now it’s upon me, and yikes. Reality.
Not that I haven’t given leaving tons of thought and prayer. God has been so faithful in providing for me and has equipped me with the tools I need to do this 11 months and to do it well. I have a huge support system here in the states, a guy that loves me unconditionally and who is so excited to watch me pursue this passion, and a family that has supported this desire since it began.
Second fear – that it will actually be really, really hard. (duh) Challenges are great, but after a week of training, I know there will be a moment where I wonder if this is worth it. I know it will be, but man, when it gets hard, I need to remember that.
Another fear – I’m terrified that I’m going to get some crazy disease on this race that destroys my life because somehow whenever I do something long term with ministry I wind up sick, and I don’t really love the idea of getting Malaria. Whatever. God’s in control of that one.
Another fear, a very real one, is my insecurities that I manage to hide so well. I sometimes feel like an imposter, like my team is going to realize that all my experience with ministry and missions and kids is just experience and hasn’t transformed me into an “expert” at anything. I’m nervous that I won’t “fit in” because heck, new people and new places are scary and as much as I try to hide it, that fear is still there. I’m scared of feeling lonely, especially being away from my closest friends.
Also, being vulnerable is not my strong suit. I am very black and white, I won’t hold back my opinion (usually) but when it comes to getting very deep and personal, it is very hard for me to let down walls. (Ask Freddy, poor guy has to keep a sledgehammer on hand at all times in case he runs into a brick wall of mine.) I have been told that while at this training camp and for the entirety of the race, we will be pushed to have very real and very deep conversations about our relationship with God, about our souls and about our lives. That scares me, because I am not good at that.
So, here’s my conclusion – I am allowed to be a little bit fearful, but I am not going to doubt that God will take great care of me, because I’m his daughter and he loves me. I am, and despite my insecurities and fleshly fears and physical challenges, he is in control and I am not. I am going to step out in faith and trust that he will catch me, even when I’m being the most vulnerable. I need to learn how to give my weaknesses to God, and sometimes I’m good at that, but other times I’m not.
Steven Lee, a pastor in Illinois blogged about being vulnerable, and how God uses people like me and you (flawed, imperfect humans) to glorify him. Here is an excerpt from one of his blogs:
“Paul calls the Corinthians to remember that they were not the cultural elite, the politically powerful, or the materially rich, but rather the foolish, weak, low, and despised (1 Corinthians 1:26–31). The principle at work here is that God intentionally uses weak things to accomplish his glorious purposes. The reason God does it this way is so that “no human being might boast in the presence of God” (1 Corinthians 1:29). God alone is to get the glory.”
I’m not sure how to do that entirely just yet, but I do know that God will use me. In my moments of need, I know that my father will be there and will be ready to meet my needs in whatever way he knows is best. I want to focus on the beautiful grace of God. Lee goes on to write something that I LOVE.
“Redemptive vulnerability does not put a spotlight on vulnerability, brokenness, or sin. Redemptive vulnerability highlights and magnifies how good, sufficient, kind, persistent, and gracious God is. It’s his grace that makes us aware of our need for him. It’s his grace that causes us to cry out in dependence, to turn away from sin, and to remind us of his love.”
My testimony used to focus on negative crap from my past, but in the last few years I’ve finally been able to get a grasp on how marvelous grace is, and that is all I want my testimony to scream. Grace is overwhelming, full of beauty and so real. The more people that I can help understand that the better. We are new creations in Christ, that is what grace is. So, despite these fears, despite me being That Girl That Went To Beauty School (because she sucked at normal school) I am going to slay at training camp, I am going to do my darndest to let people in, and I am going to put my trust in Him.
Yikes.
