If you’ve been single in the 21st century, you’ve probably heard one or more of these well-meaning phrases in passing. And if you’ve ever tried to express the chasm between your reality and a God-given desire to be married, even the most well-meaning solutions can cut like knives. Some of them aren’t true, but some are, which makes everything worse.
This post started weeks ago as a reaction to something that happened to me at church. I walked over to a booth about life groups, only to have a well-meaning volunteer say, “I’m sorry, but if you were looking for young adult bible studies, you’ll have to go to the young adult department”. I realized then that, according to many churches, a 26-year-old single is still considered a ‘young-adult’ while a 22-year-old mother would participate in ‘adult’ ministry because she’s a parent. As if you only become an adult once you’re married with kids.
I was—understandably—upset.
I went home and wrote an entire blog post, some 3,000 words, on all the dumb things that people say to singles. Suffice to say, it wasn’t very nice. But when I edited (which usually happens when vent-journaling) my diatribe turned inward. I began to examine the lies that my fellow singles and I have believed about ourselves and God. Most of them are rooted in questioning God’s goodness when we’ve wanted something for so many years but don’t have it yet. Those lies and fears can be exacerbated (instead of soothed) by the well-meaning dating and married people around us.
But let’s also not forget how helpless and frustrated it feels to be on the other side, when a single person is crying their eyes out in front of you, and you have no solution for them. After all, you’re not a fairy godmother. Besides praying for that person, you can’t influence God’s plan for their love life. I’d venture a guess that you may have even resorted to some of these phrases, intending the best. Perhaps you’re confused as to why the single person seems even more upset afterward.
To that end, this blog will examine some oft-used responses to singleness and classify each statement as truth or lie. (Forewarning: It’s long. Sorry. I promise most blog posts won’t be like this.) My hope is that both singles and people in relationships will glean truth from this and maybe understand God a little better in the process. Because that’s why we’re all here, right?
Right.
So let’s dive in.
The Reassurance Strategy:“Of course you’re going to get married!” and “God is saving you for someone special.”
Actually, no one is guaranteed marriage. The Bible is very clear that some are called to singleness (1 Cor 7:15). If you desire a marriage but don’t have one, you probably have a secret fear that God is calling you to singleness, which stems from a fear that God will withhold things simply because you want them—as if having a desire for something means you don’t love God or aren’t prioritizing him. (This is another lie, but we’ll get to that later.)
Let me reassure you that God is not like that! The Bible says God loves to bless his children with good things (Matt. 7:7-11), he knows the desires of heart and will fulfill them (Psalm 139, Psalm 37:4), and he is working for the good of those who love him, who are called to his purposes (Rom 8:28, Phil 2:13). The Bible also says that there is a time for everything, and that it is not for us to know the timing of some things (Ecc 3:1-11, Acts 1:7 (1)). I put these verses together to mean the following: God is perfectly good, and loves me perfectly. He has promised to fulfill my desires and He loves to give me good things. God knows I desire a marriage, and because He is perfectly good, He will not withhold it out of spite.
The Tyranny of the Should: “You shouldn’t need a relationship to be complete.”
There is a difference between feeling complete and being complete. Being complete is a fact of life as a Christian—we are made complete in Christ (Col 2:8-10 NLT). A marriage may increase your perception of joy, but it does not change the potential you have to experience joy; there is just as much joy available to you when you are single as there is when you are married (John 15:11, 1 Pet 1:8-9). A single person may delight in a close relationship with a friend, while a married person delights in a relationship with their spouse. A single person may delight in students they mentor while a married person delights in their children. (They both delight in God—singles are not more connected to Him than married people—but we’ll get to that lie in a second.)
Just because you are complete, though, doesn’t mean you will feel complete all the time. We all feel lonely, but it doesn’t mean we are not finding completeness in Christ. Desiring a relationship is not idolatry. The deep need for companionship is why God sent his Son—because he wanted relationship with us! How could that be bad?
The answer, of course, is that anything we choose to run after instead of God becomes an idol. If we desire a relationship with a human more than we desire a relationship with God, this sentence should convict us. Here’s a good test: if the perfect person came along, but being with them required you giving up your relationship with God, would you do it?
If you are honestly worried you are idolizing a relationship, go ask trusted mentors or friends who will sell it to you straight, then listen to what they are saying! Also, pray that God would reveal what’s really going on in your heart.
The Guilt Trip: “Focusing on finding a spouse means you’re not focusing on what God is trying to teach you.” or “You need to surrender your desires/idols in this area.”
The major problem I have with these sentences is what they imply: that wanting a relationship is wrong on a core level, or that somehow those who seek a spouse are less spiritual or less focused on God. The Bible does say that the married person’s attentions are split (1 Cor. 7:32-35 (2)), but it also says that marriage is a picture of Christ and the church (Eph. 5:22-33). (That’s Paul writing in both places, by the way.) Also, God created the first human and stated that it was not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18).
Being single is not a punishment, nor is it an object lesson; and finding a spouse and focusing on God are not mutually exclusive. God can teach us much through the process of looking for a husband or wife. To stop wanting that or looking for it because we are trying to focus on what God is teaching us could even be the exact opposite of what God wants!
And by the way, surrender isn’t about striving to let go of a desire. (After all, if we didn’t want it, why would we need to surrender it?) Instead, surrender means allowing God’s plan to be the thing that’s leading us rather than trying to fulfill our desires ourselves. It has far less to do with what we desire than with how we are going about fulfilling those desires… are we allowing God to shape our path? If we sense him leading us another direction, will we trust him enough to stop pushing our own agenda?
The Bargaining Chip: “God will bring someone into your life once you’re content being single.”
I’ve also heard, “The second I was content being single, God brought someone.”; “The moment I stopped looking was the moment God brought them into my life.”; And, “You just need to find contentment in Christ and then He’ll bring you someone.”
First of all, we know this isn’t true because we see it around us. Everyone knows someone who was definitely not content when they started a relationship. Often, those people are the ones who seem to have the greatest number of relationships, or who seem to be in relationships the longest!
Don’t mistake me, God does want us to be content, but not so that he can reward us for learning our lesson. Instead, he wants us to be content because contentment frees us to enjoy where we are during the waiting. If we adopt a grass-is-greener mentality about marriage, we are in danger of missing the blessings around us now. And then, when we do get to marriage, we’ll regret that we didn’t use our single years to their fullest potential.
But by far the biggest problem I have with these statements is the vending-machine, works-based mindset they reveal. Friends, we can’t make a relationship happen faster by becoming content; I’ve been “content” for about 8 years now, and I can count the number of dates I’ve been on with both hands. This is not a magic formula; God is not a vending machine; there is no “contentment meter” waiting for you to hit the minimum before spitting out the reward.
So what is he waiting for? I don’t know. But I do know that if the God of the Bible is withholding a good thing, he’s either 1) working toward something better, 2) protecting us from something we don’t realize will hurt us and others, or 3) both.
The Work Harder/Do More Approach: “Maybe you’re just not trying hard enough.”
It’s terrifying how many versions of this my friends texted me when I asked for ideas about this blog post. I’ll address individual iterations below:
1. You’ll never meet people doing _______.”
God is just as capable of bringing someone directly to you as he is of bringing someone close enough that you might run into them if you only stepped out of your comfort zone. My aunt married the man who delivered her eggs—God literally brought him to her doorstep.
2. “Maybe you should try changing _______ about yourself. ______ is scaring them away.”
Don’t change who you are to get someone to love you. They won’t be loving the real you. Every personality trait has a positive and negative side depending on the situation, and there is nothing wrong with your personality. God created you the way you are on purpose, and God does not make mistakes!
3. “You just need to put yourself out there more.”
There is something to be said about going to places where there are like-minded people. However, don’t try to fit one more thing in an already outrageously-busy schedule because you might meet someone. (In fact, I could argue that doing so borders on idolatry, because you are valuing a relationship above taking Sabbath rest which is so critical to our life and contentment in Christ, but I digress….)
4. “Maybe you’re too picky.” And somehow, at the same time, “Have standards.”
Or perhaps singleness is simply God’s plan for your life right now. Also, high standards are good things. The millennial generation has seen over half of the marriages they’ve known fail. With that kind of model, I’d say waiting for the right person makes a lot of sense—and will be worth the pain and effort it took getting there.
The Grass is Greener Strategy: “You should be thankful you’re in that season. I miss that time of life.” Or “Being single allows you to do more for the kingdom.”
Singleness is a gift, just as marriage is a gift—they are both gifts in different ways, if you are willing to allow God to reveal those gifts to you. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul explains that the single person is free to shape their life toward God’s desires without having to consider another person’s needs. What a blessing! However, please don’t think that desiring a spouse during this time means you are abandoning God’s plan. Who’s to say marriage isn’t part of God’s plan, or that once you’re married you won’t have a vibrant and thriving ministry? I’ve met many married couples who are incredibly effective ministers of God’s kingdom—and I’m sure you have, too!
The Emotional Arrival Complex: “Maybe you’re just not ready yet.” Or,“God has more work to do in you before you meet someone.”
These words hit on the deep lies of “work harder” and “do more”. That’s not to say the words themselves aren’t true; it’s what we believe as a result which is a lie. We know God works for good (Rom 8:28), and the hard truth is that our good may mean not getting into a relationship until we have a few more things worked out. But God is not twiddling his thumbs, waiting for us to get our act together so he can reward us with a relationship carrot. Instead, he wants to be let in to our struggle. He is our wonderful counselor (Isaiah 9:6), helping us see the areas of brokenness or sin in our lives that would destroy a relationship, and lovingly preventing us from putting ourselves in a situation that would cause pain, not only to us, but someone else as well.
There’s also the other side: “Maybe God is working on the other person!”
God definitely is! But by the same principle as above, if that person does have more work to do, trust me, you’d rather wait.
It’s Not Any Different: “You’ll still feel alone when you’re married.” And, “Being in a relationship won’t fix everything.”
True. How alone you feel depends upon the degree of connection you feel to other people, whether you are married or not. In fact, people who are married can sometimes feel more alone than a single person—and if you don’t believe me, singles, think about a moment when you had a roommate, best friend or family member who completely ignored you, then imagine living with them 24/7.
Complications aside, you can’t deny that a spouse is a built-in friend. Singles—especially those who live alone—have to put extra time and energy into maintaining friendships; increasingly so as their adult lives get busier and busier. If their friends get married, it only gets harder, as that person’s primary focus becomes their spouse (or kids, if they have them). And since we’re here, let’s also acknowledge the physical benefits, which single people who follow God’s plan won’t enjoy until they are married. On a very innocent level, single people are often starving for human touch. After all, they don’t have anyone to hold hands with.
Technology is the Solution/Problem: “If you’re not online you’re doing yourself a disservice.” Or, “All this technology is really ruining it for you guys. If you would only stop texting and have an actual conversation, maybe you would meet someone.”
The fact of the matter is: we live in a very different world than our parents. Technology has changed the way we communicate. At a very basic level, we are aware of far more people in the world. We have the ability to meet someone on the other side of the planet without leaving the comfort of our homes! With so much choice, it’s difficult to make a decision because we’re aware of all the options.
The good news is that God has not changed. He is still just as powerful, just as good, just as loving, and just as committed to his purposes. Technology is simply one of the tools he can use. So try online, and if it works for you, awesome! But if it doesn’t, don’t forget that people were getting married long before eHarmony. God is still God and still just as able to bring along a person that is right for you. The question really is: do we trust him to provide the relationships we need—both spouse and friends—in their proper time?
If you made it this far, congratulations! I tried to shorten this post as much as possible, but I really felt like this all needed to be said. I hope it brought you encouragement.
Singles, I know nothing I’ve said diminishes the pain you may feel on hearing some of these sentences. But as much as you are able, try not to shoot the messenger. The people talking to you are honestly trying to help. Moreover, it is often our own faulty views of God that cause us pain, instead of the person talking to us. I hope this post helps you see truth amidst the lies, and I pray God helps align your views of him, so that you are able to live for Him regardless of your relationship status.
To the people who read this who are not single, thank you. If you take one thing away from this, please let it be that when a single person comes to you expressing loneliness or sadness, they are usually just looking for a shoulder to cry on. Oftentimes the best thing you can do is simply validate their pain, say nothing, or encourage them with who God actually is (and not the lies they may be believing). That said, would you take some time to go love on a single today? Often times just a hand on the shoulder, a hug, or an invitation to a home-cooked dinner can mean the world!
Let me leave you with some final thoughts. Regardless of your relationship status, contentment comes when you hold fast to God’s character and promises. When I feel lonely, I ask God to remind me that He loves me and knows I desire a marriage, and that he is working for my good, whether that means marriage or celibacy.
In the meantime, fellow singles, enjoy the gift he has given you! Travel. Explore. Advance your career. Learn how to be a better sister, brother, daughter, son, and friend. And when you do feel sad, ask God to remind you that he is working in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
Thank you for reading.
**Except where noted, all quotations from scripture are taken from the NIV 2011 translation.
(1) In Acts 1:7 the disciples are asking Jesus when he is going to bring the kingdom of God to earth because they (wrongly) assume that his resurrection means he will now be the conquering king they are waiting for. However, I think the principle applies to being single as well.
(2)1 Cor 7 was written in the context of a marriage crisis in the church of Corinth. We don’t know what that crisis was. It is safe to speculate that there were some incorrect views about marriage that pushed people toward one camp or the other. The text implies that some were resisting getting married because they believed marriage incorrect (sound familiar?), and some valued marriage as higher than singleness (again, sound familiar?).
