Growing up my parent’s dream was to give me a better life than theirs. This is a very admirable trait about them because it shows they are selfless. My dad once said, “Some parents teach their child the path to success while others pave the path of success for their kids.” I’ve seen some peers have to possess their own job, keep grades up while playing a sport. I’ve also seen some peers be handed endless amounts of Monet without doing basically anything to obtain it. It’s beautiful by not giving your children everything. You’re giving them responsibility, grace to make their own decisions, and giving them independence.
When I was 22 months I experienced my first medical complication that would lead to a lifetime of more “episodes”. At 13 my independence was stripped from me when the Cardiologist discovered my heart rate fell from the 50’s to 30’s and paused for 5-7 seconds. My parents had to install a baby monitor in my room. I was no longer able to do most things on my own and needed a significant amount of supervision.
I wanted the sheltered lifestyle to be obliterated. So I began to stop relying on others for my needs. My mindset was that I could love others well and allow them to depend on me. But I would never let others love me well and depend on them. I was scared of burdening people, being seen as weak, and admitting I needed help. I didn’t realize that this pivotal turn in my life was an issue until month 2 of my World Race. For so long I tried to do life on my own and live by my foolish wisdom. I began to access and interact with worldly wisdom over finding wisdom in Him.
This past month in Ecuador, I worked in a foundation, Camp Hope, for children and adults with special needs. I was thriving in my comfort zone. God allowed me to pour out my love while also teaching me lessons on dependency. Most of the individuals needed help because they couldn’t control their bodies. Through their pain, discomfort, and need they all radiated joy. Each day was filled with smiles, laughs, cries, hugs, and charades. During our time in Ecuador and at Camp Hope God gave me the realization that relying on people can be a joyful thing.
At month 1 debrief God began to break chains and bring me restoration. Previously I posted a blog titled Shame Be Gone. I was sharing with Jenny, one of our SQLs, when she asked Have you told your parents? I was laughing on the inside. But responded with I was waiting until PVT or after the World Race. God had VERY different plans. Just hours after posting my parents reached out to me about the past 8 years of shame. I became really good at independently fixing myself while others assumed life was peachy. When I found out my parents wanted me to let my walls down I was filled with fear. I knew God grieved with me but asking for my parents to grieve with me was to much pressure and pure heartbreak. They knew they had raised a good daughter. But when the mask was removed they would be hurt at who their daughter had become. The time came when I had to let my walls down and willingly let my parents into my hurt and pain. By the end of the conversation they were both rejoicing in the darkness God brought me out of and the freedom I was receiving.
The very next day God used two of my squad-mates, Courtney & Oscar, to share visions with me about being dependent on God and leaning on His wisdom. God has opened up a lot of lock boxes I had within myself. Since He has unlocked them I have begun to seek Him with a longing curiosity. The deeper I dive into dependency with Him I am being fed wisdom and knowledge from His truth. Courtney and I prayed Psalms 91 over each other. When I finished praying for her she revealed the vision God laid on her heart. A man in a bright white gown was walking through a field of wildflowers. Each one had its own distinct color, shape, and smell to it. The man in the white gown plucked one and went home. In his kitchen, he planted the flower and nourished it so there would be growth. This was confirmation that when I’m at my worst, lowest point when I couldn’t clean myself, and there was nothing anybody could do with me, right at that moment, Christ said: “I’ll take that one, That’s the one I want!” Oscar shared his vision when speaking prophecy over my team. God spoke through him that it’s okay for me to not be okay and sit with God in the uncomfortable. Oscar compared my refining process to Kintsugi, a centuries-old Japanese method of repairing pottery with gold. I am being led in a season of a golden journey. Through restoration, God is fixing my brokenness with beautiful seams of gold to celebrate my uniqueness and emphasize my freedom from fractures and breaks instead of hiding or disguising them. With each season of repair, I am becoming more beautiful than the original, revitalizing a new life within me.
Being independent isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it also needs to be balanced out. Along the way, it became scary and uncomfortable being alone. I found myself begging others to go places with me in fear of being seen alone, the darting stares, and judgment of lacking accompaniment. I am now discovering a healthy balance of being independent and dependent. The feeling is empowering and comes from knowing who I am and being happy with myself.
