Guilt, shame, and fear.
These are the three things I have operated under as long as I can remember. I don’t know exactly where they originated from, but that’s beside the point anyway.
Most of it’s been inflicted by me. No one ever asked me to feel this way – somehow I got it into my head that I needed to.
I learned this past month just how much grip on my life I had given over to the enemy. Somewhere along the line I had conceded to his lies and accepted them as truth.
I call them the unholy trinity because together they have become what rules my world, even though I know this is not the way my Lord wants me to live.
Now the unholy trinity has been wielded as a weapon by many. It is for control, not for love. For subordinates, not beloved children of God. And I have taken this weapon and turned it on myself, slicing deep and leaving devastating scars.
There is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus, so why do I condemn myself? Why do I reject my own redemption?
Guilt, shame, and fear. My captors, my influencers, my downright evil companions.
And the worst part is that I’ve let them have me. First unknowingly, but later because it didn’t seem worth the effort to escape.
It all came to a breaking point this past week at debrief. My teammates and a handful of unsuspected squadmates witnessed this arise from under the surface when I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
I stand outside our hostel in Nelspruit as Christi prays over me. With one hand on my shoulder and the other on my head, she orders my demons to flee. She speaks life and truth into me when I can’t do it for myself.
As I begin to open up, others do the same. And maybe, just maybe, I begin to find relief.
Guilt, shame, and fear. I refuse to let them inhabit my heart – to corrupt my identity as a daughter of Christ.
Piss off, Satan. You have no power here. I will stand in authority and crush you under my feet. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.
So I will trade my guilt for grace, my shame for sanctification, and my fear for freedom.
After all, isn’t that what the cross was for? All my debts were covered centuries ago when Jesus came down. So it’s useless trying to climb back up again and again.
It has been done. It is finished, and there’s nothing I can do to change or edit that. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t want to.
Guilt, shame, and fear: run for the hills. Don’t you dare look back because I’ll strike you down if you do.
It is finished.
