Training camp was not a complete bust, and I want to make sure everyone who knows my story of what happened understands this.
One thing I don’t want to happen as a result of my leaving camp early and having to wait another year is for the general public and future racers to get the idea that it’s some intense, impossible boot camp where they try to weed out the weak ones from the beginning by making them crack under pressure.
It isn’t. And I am not trying to misrepresent AIM by telling my story. I very much respect them and do not hold their decision to send me home against them.
Was it intense? Yes. Did it seem impossible at times? Yes. But regardless of what happened in the end, training camp had some fantastic moments I will treasure, and these moments assure me that when I return to the race, a new squad, and training camp, that it will all be worth it.
On my last night there, our entire squad was sent out to a separate campground, even further into the middle of nowhere, with just our basic gear – sleeping bags, sleeping pads, and daypacks – and a few group supplies: tarps, an axe, firewood, and a cooler full of ingredients for cooking. All 40 of us had to set up camp across two sites and cook for everyone, and I I imagined it would be chaos but I couldn’t be more wrong. Three members of our squad had been designated as trip leaders and they did a great job of making sure everything ran smoothly without being “controlling” at all. (Shout out to Brad, Bree, and Josh!)
Later at night we went to another campsite we also had reserved, where the leaders told us we were going to have a night of prayer and worship. We’d been doing that all week of course, but now it was stripped down to the bare minimum. Just 40 voices around a campfire – with all of our lights turned off (which happened to be good for both the ambience and keeping the gigantic bugs away.)
It began with singing – a few old favorites and some new ones to learn. Then prayer, scripture, and giving thanks for things that had gone on during camp so far.
Perhaps one of my favorite moments happened during singing – one of the songs was a good fit for my voice, so I didn’t have to belt out worship choruses like i had done for the last 3 days (my deepest apologies to every voice teacher I have ever had) and I could freely sing the way I’ve always loved to.
I happened to be standing next to Kaitlin, a squadmate who happened to have an amazing voice, and during a quiet moment between songs, I heard a few things from the group.
“I want Sarah and Kaitlin to lead worship!”
“We should sing a hymn.”
“What about Come Thou Fount?”
Now there was an opportunity I wasn’t about to pass up. I enjoy contemporary worship as much as anyone, but during training camp I had been in hymn withdrawal – if that’s a thing – waiting to sing one. (The music major alto in me was just dying for some harmonies.)
So we did. And it was wonderful. Shortly after that I looked up through a clearing in the trees to see one of the most beautiful skies I had ever encountered in my life. There were more stars that I had ever seen before in one glance.
In that moment I felt that I was finally understanding what it was like to be in the presence of the Holy Spirit – a concept I didn’t know much about and had been struggling with throughout camp. I don’t know how I had missed it before. Do I know everything? No. Can I give it a concrete definition? Not yet. But I’m getting there.
I also felt that the I Squad, who I had come to love so much over the last few days, was the group of people I was meant to be part of for the next year. They had helped me to accept myself and learn so many things, whether they knew it or not.
Of course, what I didn’t know was that I would be sent home less than 12 hours later. But I’m glad I didn’t know, because I got one last joyful, peaceful night with my squad before I had to go. I am grateful that the AIM staff gave me the opportunity to have that final night.
Perhaps I needed that more than I could have imagined, because in the chaotic internal struggle that resulted from being sent home, that memory gave me hope. Hope that I could find that same kind of community a year from now. Hope that the doors to the World Race would be opened again. So I think I had to go to training camp when I did. The complete timing wasn’t exactly right, but I am hardly out of time.
Thank you again, iSquad, for giving me a family, home, and community that I didn’t know I needed, and certainly didn’t know I could gain in such a short time. I am a better person for having met you all, and that is the greatest gift I could have received.
