“Wait, we’re doing testimonies now? Where’s my journal – where are my notes? Oh, too late. We’re starting. Get me out of here… get me out of here! No, can’t do that…”
The World Race is full of surprises. We’re told right from the get-go that nothing is ever set in stone, and to always be ready for a sudden change. Even so, some things will still catch you off guard.
My team went to church that morning with the understanding that two of us were going to share our testimonies. Kelly and I volunteered, and I had jotted down a brief outline just in case I needed it. I’m generally comfortable speaking in front of groups, but I’ve found that it’s always a safe move to have notes with me.
But that didn’t exactly pan out. The entire team was called up to the front to introduce ourselves, and then we were all asked to give our testimonies right then and there.
I suddenly realized I’d left my journal at my seat, and I panicked. I was terrified of stumbling over my words and getting frazzled in front of the whole church, and briefly considered stepping outside the sanctuary to collect myself. I didn’t do it, but the urge to bolt was definitely there.
Finally, all of my time to stall was up, and I had a microphone in my hand. I begin to share one specific aspect of my life: mental health. I spoke about my battles with depression, anxiety, ADHD, and even some post-traumatic stress that lingered from the bullying I experienced as a child. I relayed how God had rescued me from the deepest depths of my pain, and how even when I tried to run away, he pursued me, and waited for me with open arms.
I told them how I struggled with the uncertainty of whether or not God had made me this way, and if so, I wanted to know why. Thankfully, I had a possible answer, courtesy of John 9:
As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.”
I had shared that verse on other occasions, and up until this point I was following my original plan even though I didn’t have it with me, but that’s when these words flew out of my mouth.
“And let me tell you something: I will be healed, whether that’s here on earth or when I go to heaven. He will wipe every tear; he will make all things new!”
Where on God’s green earth did that come from? Not my outline, that’s for sure. Suddenly these words that were not my own were out in the open, and although I had not planned them, they were there all the same.
After the service was over, Zach (my squad leader who tends to have a lot wisdom) said to me “I saw you up there holding a sword.”
Not a microphone, but a sword.
It’s kind of funny, because the symbolism of being a warrior, soldier, or knight has been something I’ve identified with. I like the imagery and it doesn’t hurt that one of my favorite Bible passages is the armor of God, but in this metaphor, my accessory of choice is usually a shield.
I’ve always pictured myself on the defense. It’s not that I have a bad shield, but the problem with them is that you have to wait for something to come after you first, and then fend it off. It’s necessary, but not whole on it’s own.
Do I dare take my sword and charge forward, leaving myself a little more vulnerable but at the same time with more freedom?
Will I trade security for boldness and comfort for truth?
The sword and the responsibility that accompanies it feel awkward in my hands now, unlike the shield I can hide behind until danger has passed. But for the sake of striking down the enemy and breaking the chains that hold us back?
I will wield this sword whatever the cost may be.
