For years I have always seemed to find myself in situations where I’m stuck between two different “worlds.” It began with high school music when I had to find the balance between orchestra and chorus. I liked singing better, but since orchestra was smaller, I was always expected to choose the latter if it came down to a choice. I couldn’t just quit one and throw all of my focus into the other, but at the same time I felt like I was missing out a little bit by not doing so. I remember the first time I stood up for myself and told my orchestra director that, if I was selected for the area all-state chorus, I would choose that over orchestra. Even more freedom came when I decided not to audition for all-county orchestra at all.
Then I got to college, and starting around my sophomore year there were two different worlds to be caught between. Music was once again a factor, but this time I was going back and forth between my major, music, and my passion, Enactus, which was a student organization based in the business department. Music majors aren’t encouraged to do much outside of music, so as someone who was prioritizing an extra-curricular over being more involved in music, I was very much out of place in the department. By the time I figured out what I really wanted (which was to be a business major instead of music) it was far too late to switch and still graduate on time.
Twice I had to choose between the two in crucial moments, in which I would lose something important to me either way. During my junior year, a performance that I had been looking forward to since I was a freshman conflicted with the Enactus regional competition. I thought about it long and hard, and my voice teacher even told me that she had non problem with me going to the competition and missing the performance – she knew how important Enactus was to me- but I sided with music on this one. After the fact, I hated myself for it. The performance was great, I enjoyed being part of it, and I even ended up working the light board and helping stage a few scenes as well as singing in it, but a part of me knew I should have gone to competition with Enactus. I felt that I had betrayed my team (even though they all knew that as a non-business major I had hard choices to make) and myself for not sticking with what I really cared about.
The next year the tables turned and I chose the business department over music, which didn’t make me too popular with a few of my professors. Even though I had now stayed true to myself, there was still guilt. No matter what I chose, I couldn’t win.
Now that I’ve graduated and educational departments don’t shape my identity anymore, there are two different worlds I face now: where I call home. As my years in college progressed, I spent less and less time in Buffalo with my parents. I would stay on campus during breaks for music/theatre rehearsals, and often to work, since I didn’t have a job back home. I even spent a summer in Rochester, living on campus and working, so for over a year I didn’t spend more than two weeks straight at home.
I came to love Rochester. There were so many things about it that I didn’t have at home. Not to mention, my friends were there – I had lost touch with pretty much everyone from high school by that point. My intent was to stay and make my life there, but when the World Race came into the picture, I had to go home first, although I planned to move back as soon as I could.
Then my race was postponed, and I was stuck living with my parents for an extra year. (No offense, Mom and Dad, I love you, but this was not part of the plan). I even looked into moving to Rochester temporarily, but that made no financial sense when I would now have more expenses like student loan payments, and an extra year of car insurance and a phone bill. Now I bounce back and forth between Buffalo and Rochester, living in Buffalo, but going to church and visiting friends in Rochester. I like Rochester, and I so badly want to call it my home for real, but right now that’s just not possible. Neither place really feels like home to me these days.
“…Hold me fast, hold me fast, ’cause I’m a hopeless wanderer…”
I run back and forth between the two, but the problem is that I can’t wish away my year in Buffalo. I can’t spend it wishing I was somewhere else, because I’m not. I’m here, and i have to embrace it whether I want to or not. There is a reason I’m back in Buffalo and I should probably stop fighting it sooner rather than later. It’s time to make the best of where I am, wherever I happen to be.
“…Hold me fast, hold me fast, ’cause I’m a hopeless wanderer. I will learn, I will learn to love the skies I’m under…“
