To my beloved iSquad,
It’s been over a month since I left training camp and had to accept that I wasn’t going to go on the race with you all. I could handle putting off the race, or living at home for an extra year, but the hardest part of this was leaving you. I felt as if I had known you forever, even though it had really only been a few days. It broke my heart that I wasn’t able to say goodbye to anyone before going home. Of course, it wasn’t practical, and I understand why I had go right away, but in that moment all I wanted was for one person to hear directly from me that I was leaving. I wish I had been more open, more willing to talk about my struggles and insecurities, especially when many of you were so honest with me.
I have a new route and a new squad, and I know I have to be “all in” with them in order to be successful on the race. It’s hard to be caught between two worlds, and there’s now a fine line to tread as far as staying in touch with you all and following along with your race and your stories without forgetting to be an active part of my new squad. That’s not fair to them, and it probably wouldn’t be fair to me either, but at the end of the day, I’m the one responsible for the fine line.
A piece of my heart will always belong to you, iSquad, and there will always be some degree of loyalty there. I didn’t expect to be put on a new squad so soon; I thought I would have a little more time, and the truth is that I’m not ready to let you go just yet.
I ask myself “How long do I let it take? How much time do I give myself to grieve, to move on, to feel that I really belong to my new squad?” And there’s no concrete answer – a lesson I’ve learned multiple times over in my life is that trying to put a strict timeline on your emotions, especially when dealing with hardship or transition, is going to come back and bite you later. There is no saying “I’ll be okay by [insert date] because [insert reasons] and I will be able to [insert action]” so I have to give myself some grace, doing what I can one day at at time.
So I write this letter not in the pursuit of sympathy, pity, or even words of encouragement (even though I appreciate how much encouragement I’ve received from so many of you), but I write this in the hope that, perhaps, I can gain some closure; that I can find the crucial balance that allows me to honor what’s in the past and still be able to live in the present.
You are a part of my World Race heritage, and always will be. I have a new squad and new countries, but I began my journey with you, and nothing will ever be able to take that away. I did not come to training camp and come to love you all in vain. If I had the choice between never meeting you, or going to training camp, getting to know you, and experiencing the pain of having to leave all over again, I would choose the latter 1000 times over without question.
Even the extreme introverts have the desire to be part of a community, and INFJ’s like myself in particular are known for being fiercely loyal when they’ve found a group in which they belong. They will defend and support “their people” to the ends of the earth if that’s what it takes. So that’s what makes it hard to be caught between the iSquad and my new (not yet designated with a letter but I’m pretty sure it’ll be “R”) squad. There is still healing that needs to come, perspective that needs to be gained, and work that needs to be done on my part, but I’m getting there.
You are more than just a group I once belonged to. You are 40 individuals who I am proud to call my sisters and brothers in Christ. You shaped a season, albeit a very brief one, in my life that I will one day look back on and realize how much I learned from.
So for one last time, let me make a sweeping statement to the entire squad. Megan, Britt, Jenna, Lindsey, Melody, Megan, Craig, Christina, Brad, Brittany, Sydney, Ronny, Jasmine, Jarin, Haleigh, Bree, Nicole, Heather, Ashley, Brittany, Jacob, Keri, Nick, Courtney, Cody, Andrea, Liz, Rhema, Ada, Tara, Eryn, Tommy, Trish, Josh, Kaitlin, Anna, Lindsay, Elise, Felisha, Laine, Tyler, and Erica: I love you like family, I sincerely thank you for letting me into your lives for the time I was there, and I am a better person for having met you. This is not the end, I treasure your friendships, and I wish you the best.
Your stateside (for now) squadmate,
-Sarah-
