Some basics for those of you just now dropping in: My sister and I are about to embark an 11-month Christian mission trip to 11 different countries across 4 continents. We’re headed to: Argentina, Bolivia, Paraguay, Chile, Uganda, Ethiopia, Rwanda, Serbia, Bulgaria, Romania, Cambodia, and Thailand. The work will range from country to country in partnership with established ministries in each area. We’ll work in orphanages, build churches, minister to trafficked women, and more.
5 days ago, I left my island. My parents were driving Miranda and I to Atlanta. After 3 more days of training, we were set to board a plane to Chile.
We left Galveston via ferry. Our hair tangled in salty wind (great for the curls). We watched dolphins crest and oil derricks melt into one jagged horizon. Goodbye, Galveston. All that I have is in a green Deuter pack weighing 48 pounds.
Now in Atlanta, we’re going through our final training. The hotel coffee is bad, and my brain is buzzing with key sentences.
“Save all of your receipts in the team wallet for the Treasurer.”
“Remember the 3 major focus points…”
“Do not rent a scooter abroad. Just don’t do it.”
“If you’re carrying prescription medication, check the CDC…”
“File your health insurance claims immediately.”
“Seriously. Do not rent a scooter.”
“Your pack needs to be under 40 lbs.“
This last one is a problem. Under 40 pounds. Overage fees add up, and there’ll be no extra money. So okay, I’ve got 8 pounds of frivolous weight to shed. I’m an American women; this is a challenge I’ve been trained to face.
My teammate Katie is at 35 lbs. She’s a breezy blonde with an open face and full framed glasses. Katie’s got a heart full of Jesus and the easygoing personality that develops with the casual confidence of growing up pretty. She laughs often and prays in pictures- things like “Father, you see every tear as it drops to the ground.” I’m already thankful for her.
I need some tough love; and Katie dishes it out, mercilessly cutting away my 2nd towel, 7 extra pairs of underwear, and emergency rain poncho.
“Can’t you just take pictures of these watch instructions?” “Do you really need a second set of watercolors?” The questions are easy because (haha!) I can hear the answer in her voice. She’s a poor test administrator. “No, I do not need it.” Gold stars to Sarah.
I think (as I pack, weigh, purge, repeat) of all of the people I am saying goodbye to. I ditch one sketchbook, my extra jeans, a shirt. My grandma gave me that pink top. My mom asked that I sketch everyday. Thankfully, the goodbyes have been easy. In an astounding act of grace, the Lord held back tears and lightened spirits.
When Katie and I are done my pack weighs 36 lbs. We are triumphant. The 12 lbs of discarded extras are shoved into a bag to be sent home with my parents.
I feel accomplished. I feel like a rough and tough backpacker chick. I feel alone.
I look to the bag being sent back home and wonder briefly if I can fit inside. Suddenly my Chacos feel clunky and awkward beneath me. My waterproof watch is too tight, and my heart isn’t ready. Before I can sink into the feelings, my self defense mechanisms kick in, and I’m admonishing my silly emotions.
Cut it out. I am going to go whether you like it or not.
The problem with being a strong person is that too quickly we squash away our emotions. Goodbye, apprehension. So long, inadequacy. My will overpowers. I shake away the afterthoughts. I have faith that God wants me here and faith that he’ll equip me and faith that I’m meant for this. I swing it around like a heavy broadsword cutting down doubt and fear and unbelief.
I’m supposed to go. I am going. Tonight at 3 AM we’ll get on a plane to Boston, and then to Houston (oddly enough), and finally to Santiago. And it isn’t dumb confidence or pride that’s keeping me on this path. It’s faith. My sword of faith.
Wait.
I leave the hotel room with my head buzzing, like I’ve cut off a song before the melody resolved. And I can feel the stress somewhere inside me, a rushing in my veins and a headache coiled tight behind my right eye.
Faith isn’t a sword, I feel the Spirit whisper.
Faith is a shield, tall and shiny and safe. I don’t need it to fight away my emotions. I can curl up behind it, with my back to the cold metal, and my head tucked below its edge, safe from harm. I can rest in faith. I can take my time- sort through the heart and the head. Abide in him. Let him gently ease fears and smooth away doubts.
I’m reminded that the only offensive piece of the armor of God is the sword of the Spirit. Everything else exists to protect, to guard. The Lord is my defender; his Spirit, a sword.
So I’m letting those emotions back in- a little apprehension, a bit of uncertainty, the steady hum of excitement. I feel safe enough to feel, because I know the Lord is fighting for me. I don’t need to be a wall of strength. He’ll get me onto the plane. I’m leaving in a few short hours, and I’m leaving in peace.
Do not be afraid… The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:13-14
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. Ephesians 1:10-20
