Some basics for those of you just now dropping in: My sister and I are on an 11-month Christian mission trip to 11 different countries across 4 continents. We’re headed to: Argentina, Bolivia, Paraguay, Chile, Uganda, Ethiopia, Rwanda, Serbia, Bulgaria, Romania, Cambodia, and Thailand. The work will range from country to country in partnership with established ministries in each area.
It’s month 2. My team is in Mendoza, Argentina.
We’re working with a YWAM base.
Welcome to BLOGATHON. I haven’t had any WiFi in Argentina, so I need to play catch up. You’ll be getting five updates tonight. Prepare for the fourth and final Chile blog and all four Argentina posts. Enjoy! Next stop: Bolivia!
BLOGATHON 4/5: One Year Ago Today
I’m at a two-story Starbucks an hour away from our base.
(Quick fun fact: in South America, the summer months are December, January, and February. Which means that all the Christmas flavors come out as frappuccinos. Which is a bummer if you were really looking forward to a hot gingerbread latte. Which I was.)
The building is filled with racers. We have taken up every seat, and there are two girls sitting on the stairs. All around me people are FaceTiming home, blogging, refreshing Instagram. We play a quick game of “Who has the most Facebook notifications?” When I log on, Facebook shows me this:
It’s bizarre to think that a year ago I was living in New Jersey and making an announcement about this thing called the World Race. And now here I am two months in.
It’s even more bizarre to think of how I was feeling when I posted that status. It was a pretty ugly night for me and my heart. And I’m going to share it with you because vulnerability is important. Here’s what I wrote one year ago today:
I remember those feelings. I remember the worry, the exhaustion. Miranda was sound asleep next to me, and I couldn’t even close my eyes. I was still reading back over those truths at 3 AM that night, trying to let them sink down into my anxious gut.
It’s called fear of man. There were people on my Facebook that didn’t even know that I was a Christian. There were people from my past who knew my mistakes. They wouldn’t buy me as a missionary. There were people in college who knew my “potential.” What would they think of my postponing my career? There were people who I would eventually ask to contribute to my fundraising. Oh boy. That was a whole new category of anxiety.
Eventually, I opened my Bible app:
You probably can’t see that. This is what the first 3 screenshots say:
For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written: “I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, And bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent.” Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the disputer of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of this world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world through wisdom did not know God, it pleased God through the foolishness of the message preached to save those who believe. For Jews request a sign, and Greeks seek after wisdom; but we preach Christ crucified, to the Jews a stumbling block and to the Greeks foolishness, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, that no flesh should glory in His presence. But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God—and righteousness and sanctification and redemption— that, as it is written, “He who glories, let him glory in the LORD.” I Corinthians 1:18-31
That night, I read this passage once, twice, maybe twenty times.I don’t remember. But I do remember the peace that began to chip away at my fear. I remember the truth seeping in.
“For the message of the cross is foolishness…” If your message is foolishness, you’re in good company. “Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the disputer of this age?” Your critics are brought to naught in the presence of the cross. The Lord is my defender. “Not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble are called….” Proving that you are wise, mighty, or noble does not prove that you are called. “God has chosen the weak things of the world….” Let them misunderstand you. They need only to understand Me. It is the vulnerability, the weakness in you, that I have chosen. “No flesh should glory in his presence.” If you are prideful, you are not fully in My presence. “He who glories, let him glory in the LORD.” There is no greater glory. Glory in Me. Glory in Me. Glory in Me.
I felt the beginning of healing, of peace. I googled “scriptures about glorying in the Lord.” That night, the Holy Spirit was speaking through Google and the Bible App. Take that, millennial bashers. Here’s what I got that night from Google:
That is when I wrote, “Why did I wait so long before going to scripture?” How frail we humans are that we cannot even reach for healing when we are diseased. In the first moment of my anxiety, I should have turned to the Word. Instead, I refreshed my Facebook one hundred times, waiting for likes.
Here’s a close up of the next scripture:
Ouch. That one stung. There was the heart of it, written out in bright red letters. “How can you believe,” the Lord was not-so-gently asking me. How can you go on the World Race? How can you preach the Gospel abroad? You can’t even face your Facebook friends (no pun intended).
I remember this moment- right before that last screenshot. I understood now. I feared the world and what it thought of me. But my pride needed shattering. I needed to boast only in the Lord, to glory in Him, to seek the honor that comes only from God.
I had read. I had understood.
But I still couldn’t sleep. I was still refreshing the Facebook page. The head knowledge had yet to sink into my heart. Here is my last desperate screenshot:
“Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.” This is the mantra of my life. My heart is in need of constant repair; my mind, constant renewing. That night I repeated this phrase over and over again until I fell asleep. And I felt a little better. And the next morning I’m pretty sure I went immediately to Facebook. “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.” And I felt a little bit better. I returned to that notes page, again and again, reminding myself of his plan for my emotions. “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.”
Today, I believe. Maybe not all the time, maybe not in every situation, but my heart is healed in this area. I can post this blog with complete vulnerability (read: with complete freedom). I am so thankful to my God for the freedom and growth that he brings.
The Lord is faithful to complete every work. He is guarding our hearts, watching over his promises, maturing us as believers every day. He will not leave our healing undone or incomplete.
