Dear friends and family,
In this post I want to take a step and dive a little deeper, I want to start at what led me to this point in my life that I am going on a mission trip. I am going to share with you my testimony. I asked you to come alongside me on this journey and to do so, I want to share how I became rooted in Christ. Coming to know Christ is why I am so passionate to go out and share Him with the world. I want to thank you all for being patient with me in sharing this, I needed to take some time in prayer to work up the courage to post something so raw, vulnerable and transparent with you guys. Truthfully, for a long time, I was ashamed of my testimony, afraid to share my story with others. But with time, I realized this story is not mine but rather God’s. The word testimony is translated from the Greek word martyria, which means “evidence.” So, by sharing one’s testimony, they are essentially sharing evidence they have seen in their own life of why they know God’s existence and goodness to be true. It took me a long time to be open and share with others because of the shame I felt, but I’ve come to realize that what happened in the past, all the pain and sin is behind me and I was made new in Christ. Note that a testimony is an ongoing story, one’s testimony does not simply end when one came to know Christ, but rather that is the stepping stone for the start of one’s story. So, in this post, I will share my journey of coming to know Christ, but my testimony is something I can’t fully write out because God’s work isn’t finished in my life. Though this blog though, I hope to document all the amazing ways God is working in my life. With this post, I want to be transparent, raw and open with you all as possible. Some of this you may have not known before and I apologize if any of this comes to you as a surprise. I don’t want any of what you read to surprise but rather I hope by reading this you will be able to see the goodness of God.
Growing up, I was raised in a Christian household. As I look back on my life, I realized I did not truly know who God was, I may have known about Him, but I did not truly know who He was. I thought I had nothing to work on: I went to church, said my prayers, and got A’s in my religion classes. But the thing was that’s all it ever was it never was anything more it was a routine, but God desired more, for He desired my heart. I was raised in a Catholic community in which all those I looked up to believe in God, because of this I learned to believe in God not on my own findings but rather because I was told to do so. Though as I got older, my siblings began to fall away from the church. Having all my siblings, some of my greatest role models in my life at the time fall away helped lead me to doing the same. My parents were firm in their Catholic beliefs though they never really talked about their own personal journeys with Christ, so I never really knew I was missing out on anything. It was not until my sophomore year of high school did, I truly experience the emptiness of life without God. Sophomore year, I began to become really sick. I began to constantly go to the hospital visiting the doctors almost on a daily basis. Even after the countless amount of doctor visits I went to, they were never able to figure out what was wrong. With my energy drained and my time being consumed by hospital visits, I was unable to focus on my grades as much as I would have liked causing them to decline. My family noticed I was struggling in school and I was soon after diagnosed with ADHD and Dyslexia. Even though my parents never pressured us to be successful, I always felt this underlying pressure that I had to be. With these diagnoses, I began to have a lot of anxiety about the future. I world overthink and wonder what I would do with my life always thinking “what now?” getting 10 steps ahead of myself. I feared that with these diagnoses I would never be “smart enough” for college or for a career. Also, that year, my family took a trip to Korea. We traveled to the adoption agency in which I and my siblings were adopted from. Everyone else seemed excited to learn about their birth parents and their family history so I played along. Truthfully, I never really liked to talk about being adopted. For me I felt shame and embarrassment. I faced a lot of self-worth issues, I felt as though I was unlovable. I doubted my value because I felt as though if the woman who gave birth to me did not even want to raise me then how could anyone love me. Returning from this trip was the beginning of my struggle with severe depression and anxiety, I began to cope with partying, drinking and self-harm. I had so much pain and hurt that I refused to reach out to get help. Later on, that same year, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Though my dad and I were not the closest when growing up, it was really hard for me I grew up with the concept that my dad would always be there for me. Seeing his health decline was so hard to witness. Through it all, something I can clearly remember is how my dad would devotedly pray his rosary. During this time, I remember being angry, I began to question whether or not there could be a God. I did not understand how my dad, a good, devoted, Catholic man could be going through something like this. I felt terrible that I was still needing to go to the doctors and my grades were not the best because I felt like my family had much more important things to be worried about, though my family rarely showed any anxiety about the circumstances at hand. I don’t know whether they did not want to talk about it because they were struggling with comprehending everything themselves or they wanted to be strong for me, but what I do know is I tried to put up a brave front. I am not sure if some of my family members realized, but their constant jokes about me being “too naive to understand” really tore me apart. Because I am the youngest in the family of my family members would never listen to me assuming I had nothing of value to contribute. With these jokes and jabs being made time and time again, I began to believe it. I felt so alone like I had no one to talk to and I was just a burden to others. Suffering from depression and anxiety was not easy but I felt as though I would bother others, so I did not want my family to know during this season of life how much I was struggling mentally, so I suffered in private Though this wasn’t healthy, and my mental illnesses began to consume my life. It all began to feel overwhelming and too much. I wanted nothing else but to have my pain and suffering end that eventually I attempted twice to end my own life. I remember being so angry towards God, shouting that if He existed, then why did it feel like my world was crashing in around me. Later on, that year, my dad had a surgery and was declared cancer free. The moment I was able to see him, I could tell he was going to make a quick recovery because that’s the kind of man he is. Though this did not fix my internal struggle with my faith. Though even through all my anger and doubt towards God, He remained ever so faithful to me. He went before me and placed the people I needed in my life to find my way back to Him. During this season of pain and hurt I had a friend named Evie who remained by my side through all of the ups and downs. The night I tried to take my own life, Evie pointed me towards God. I remember she asked me to open my Bible to a random page and pick a verse and read a verse before and after to give it context. I thought this would be stupid and thought I would open my Bible to an irrelevant book in the Bible that had nothing to do with my life. Despite my protests, Evie stood firm wanting me to open my Bible. Though at this point in my life I would consider myself an atheist, I listened out of respect toward my friend. So, when I opened my Bible to Jeremiah, I could not help but scoff at the fact I opened my Bible to a book in the old testament. I placed my finger on a random verse and read the verse before and the verse after like Evie had asked of me. I read Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” I texted Evie right after reading these verses saying, “I read the verses, and I feel like God was talking directly to me.” I remember she was a little annoyed saying I needed to spend time focusing on the verses, but I never felt so clear on something before. At this point, I began to truly believe that God existed though I still questioned whether or not He was truly always good. I never did anything to try and dig deeper, but Evie introduced me to a girl named Claire whose kindness and friendliness made it easy to instantly become friends. Like Evie, Claire could see I was really struggling and knew there is only one who can truly satisfy my heart. She would invite me every day to attend her youth group, 707. This went from the beginning of sophomore year to the end of junior. During this time, I came up with excuse after excuse to give to Claire on why I could not go to youth group with her. I did not want to tell her I did not want to go because I appreciated, she wanted to invite me to something that meant so much to her. So, I made up excuses and every time my excuses got weaker and weaker, despite me denying her invitations Claire continued to persistently ask me to go to youth group with her. One day I broke, I was tired of coming up with excuses and told her straight up I did not want to go. When I told her she just smiled and said, “I know, you could have told me a long time ago you didn’t want to come, but I really think you would enjoy 707. If you just, try it once with me I will stop asking.” Mind you Claire has been asking me to go to this youth group for a little over a year, so I was desperate to not have to make up any more excuses, so I agreed to go. I nervously anticipated for Wednesday to roll around. Though when it was finally time to go to youth group, Claire got sick. I already had the mindset that this was the week I was going to give it a try, I did not want to reschedule, so instead, I went with Claire’s friend Alissa. If I am going to be completely honest, I did not like 707 at first. Though when I told Claire this, she said to give it another shot. I protested, saying I gave it a shot like a promised her I would and reminded her that she said she would stop asking. She responded by reminding me she said I had to go to 707 with her, so reluctantly I caved to going again. When we arrived, I started to head to the back where I sat the last time, but Claire did not let that slide, so we sat in the front. That night the speaker happened to touch on everything I was struggling with. Later, I found out that the person who was supposed to be giving the message sick and the other was out of town, so the person who ended up speaking was not even supposed to be. That night I decided if the speaker was going through a lot of what I was going through, and still believed in God then I wanted to learn as much as I could. This youth group provided me with such a strong loving community with great people in authority to help guide me as I learned more and more about God. It was on a winter retreat that I dedicated my life to Christ.
Looking back, in times where I was angry at God, I can now see why He put me through some of the challenges I faced. For example, when I felt unloved, hurt, and worthless God called be beautiful, blessed, redeemed and beloved and surrounded me with amazing family and friends. Feeling that pain of feeling unloved put a desire in my heart not to let anyone else feel that way. This desire has truly shaped me into the person I am today. As for my dad being diagnosed with cancer, when I couldn’t see any goodness behind it, God went before me for he has healing powers and healed my dad. Some people may wonder, why even put my family through this then? But I feel as though my family was brought closer together and grew to appreciate our time together. Finally, as for my battle with anxiety, depression, self-harm and suicide attempts, I have learned strength, humility, and perseverance. A time in which I saw no point in living and wanted to give up, God already great plans in store for me. When I thought life was meaningless, God saw my purpose. I was able to recover what I would call my lowest point in life, not by my own strength but by the strength of God. When I thought I reached my lowest point and thought I hit rock bottom, but God saw this as a chance to create a firm foundation. Looking back, I am able to see God’s fingerprints on my life. Somethings I still cannot make sense of, and I may never know the purpose of why I went through them. But the thing is, now I know whatever happens in life, has to have passed through the hands of God, which ultimately means there is goodness written all over it. I used to think it was crazy how I opened my Bible to the exact verse I needed to hear, that the speakers couldn’t make it so someone else had to give the message, or that I met someone as persistent as Claire but things like that aren’t crazy, they are all God.
Once I had a personal relationship with God I asked, “What now God.” I asked this for the first time in my life not because I wanted God to love me, but rather because He loves me. When I surrendered my life over to God, I promised him all my heart and soul to Him based off of the song Beautiful Surrender. That promise I made God is my only “what now” I need. Most people struggle to find their life’s purpose but it’s rather simple. Our purpose in life is to serve God. The Bible verse I live my life based off of is Acts 20:24 “However I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the task testifying the good news of God’s grace.” By seeing God’s work in my life, seeing His transformative and healing powers, and receiving His abundant grace: how could I not want to share that with others? By going on World Race I feel like I will have more opportunities to do just that, sharing the goodness of God’s grace! This is how I came to know Christ, though each and every day is a brand-new opportunity for me to learn more about God. God is still not finished with His work in me and until that day, His mission is my mission that I plan on carrying out till completion. If you feel led please feel free to share comments, ask questions, or share your testimonies below in the comment section. As I said before this story is one that is still a work in progress so, with my racer blog I want to continue sharing my martyria/evidence with you on how I know Christ to be true and His works in my life.
With love,
Sarah Kullen
