Hey guys,
I hope you all have been well, please let me know if you have any prayer requests. If I am being completely honest with you all lately, I was not doing well and had a really rough week last week. If I am being completely transparent with you, I feel like I haven’t been myself lately. I did not even realize I have been struggling until a friend pointed it out to me. Here are the texts I received, he did not want me to say his name because he did not want to seem harsh to those reading this post. But I do not want any of you to think that because truthfully could not be more grateful and it was a well-deserved text.
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Friend: Hey Kullen
Me: What’s up
Friend: Can I be brutally honest with you without you getting sensitive
Me: Umm sure
Friend: It’s just I noticed you’ve been acting differently. You don’t seem as happy. I’m not saying you have to be happy all the time, but you haven’t been yourself either. I don’t know if something happened or if someone hurt you, but I noticed you are pushing people away and I don’t know if you realize it. Yes, you work and are crazy busy, but you’ve always been like that. You need to stop making excuses. You don’t have the same smile that makes everyone’s day and you haven’t been aware of others. I don’t mean to bash you I’m just telling you what I’ve seen. You’re the type of person to go above and beyond for others. Heck you even walked across campus to pay for other people’s meals. But lately you lost that spark. You don’t have to tell me what’s going on if you don’t want to but know I’m here and know that it’s okay to put yourself for once! I guess I just wanted to remind you that people care. You’re an amazing person and I don’t want to lose your joy because that’s what sets you apart. You are probably one of the nicest people I’ve met and I always ask how I even know someone as nice as you. The way you love on others is amazing, but you also need to love on yourself.
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When first reading this text, I was hurt and unsure how to even respond. But with time, I started to realize he had a point. To my friend, I want you to know that I know calling me out was not easy for you, but much appreciated. I have been at this point in life where I didn’t want to talk to anyone about what I have been struggling with. This is partially because I don’t want to bother them, partially because I don’t know if they will understand and partially because all the people I have opened up to have eventually leave my life. But it’s hard because I know I am surrounded by some of the most amazing loving people and God placed these individuals in my life because He calls us to a community. This person has taught me a lot about the meaning of true friendship. Being a true friend is not someone who will tell you want you want to hear, but rather what you need to hear. Being a true friend is someone who will stay by your side through the highs and lows. Lastly, being a true friend, is someone who genuinely wants the best for you and will do their best to help you get there. So, I just wanted to say thank you.
As for what he said, I began to realize everything was true and it was only after he texted me that I was able to see it. I was using being busy as an excuse for not spending time in community. Don’t get me wrong, as I said in my last post, I think God was calling me to a time of solitude in order to grow, but that time of solitude was over whether I liked it or not. The thing is, I always am constantly running place to place the only difference was I stopped making time as I should have been. I wasn’t eating or sleeping as well as I should have been. Lastly, I truly was not my genuine self. I always strive to love on others, though I was not mean to anyone specifically, I failed to show them love as well. I stopped doing random acts of kindness that I used to like paying for other’s meals, holding doors or doing my friends laundry. These are simple things that I never noticed I stopped. At first when I was reading the text, I got frustrated thinking those are things I choose to do, people shouldn’t expect it from me if I am not up to being nice all the time I shouldn’t have to be. It is a common misconception people have that you should not be expected to be kind all the time. God calls us to be kind in everything we do and love everyone we meet. 1 John 3:11 “For this is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another.”
I don’t want you to think I am saying it is always easy to love on some people, trust me I struggle with this as well. It is not easy to show kindness to others especially when all they have done is hurt or belittle you, but God calls us to take the high road and turn the other cheek to this. Something a friend told me was “sometimes it’s hard to turn the other cheek. We might not necessarily have to like them, but we are called to love them.” At first, I never fully understood this but now I think I have gained a better understanding to what he meant. You are not going to like everyone you encounter, it’s a human flaw, but that does not mean you cannot show them kindness and truly wish the best for them in life.
Now, if you read the title of this letter it is supposed to be addressing love and joy and I have only been addressing love so far. Well this is because I believe love and joy go hand-in-hand. In the Christian community there is a common phrase “choose joy.” I am not going to lie, there was a period in my life that this quote made me angry. Being someone who struggles with mental illnesses got frustrated because you can’t control how you feel. But what you can control is what you do in those times of depression. Do you isolate yourself or do you surround yourself with a community? Do you let yourself lay in bed and overthink or do you choose to read scripture and be reminded your unknown future is in the hands of an all-knowing God? Do you let your pain consume you or do you push through and love on others as you are called to? I found myself allowing what was on my mind control my life rather than laying it all down at the cross. I found my joy in silly things; I made countdowns for spring break, the end of the semester, the beginning of intervarsity’s treat, and the start of World Race. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being excited for these events, but it is important not to live for these moments. I found myself always waiting the next retreat, mission trip or weekend to have a spiritual high or rest, never living truly in the moment. There is so much work that can be done right here right now. I have recently been reading Bob Goff’s book, Love Does. This book has taught me a lot about how to truly live out your life reflecting the love of God and the joy that follows. In the words of Bob Goff, “I think every day God sends us an invitation to live and sometimes we forget to show up or get head-faked into thinking we haven’t really been invited, but you see, we have been invited – every day, all over again.” Are you going to take up that invitation or are you going to come up with an excuse? The last couple of days I have been accepting that invitation and have been brought immense joy. The sun shown a little brighter, people’s smiles were a little wider and life has been good. So I challenge you all to take up God’s daily invitation to living a life full of love and joy.
