Many people don’t know this about me but I struggle with anxiety. On the outside I try to appear calm, acting as if I have everything together; however, on the inside my mind is running on a constant hamster wheel of worry and fear. Sometimes I get anxious about little things like the exam I have next week. Sometimes I get anxious about pointless things like when I’m on a plane and I have to go to the bathroom, but I don’t want to have to walk down the entire aisle of the plane and have everyone look at me when I walk past. And then sometimes I get anxious about the really big stuff like what the heck I’m doing with my life and what will my future look like in 10 years.
Essentially my life is a constant stream of “what ifs.” What if I don’t meet my fundraising goal? What if I don’t get a good job? What if I don’t get married? What if I don’t live up to my potential? What if? What if? What if??? It’s exhausting!!
The season of life I’m in right now is a huge “what if” and that scares me. Preparing for the World Race has been a challenge. There are so many fears I have regarding the race. I am fearful of leaving home for so long. I am fearful of getting a horrible disease. I am fearful of stepping out of my comfort zone. The list of my fears could go on and on. But I’m not here to tell you everything I’m afraid of. I’m here to tell you how I am learning to submit my fears to God.
Each day when I wake up and the stream of thoughts, worries, and anxieties begins I have to stop, slow down and remind myself that I am not in control. There is a big God who created the entire universe and knows every one of my innermost thoughts and he is looking out for me. God has been teaching me that by being fearful and anxious I am saying that I don’t trust him to take care of me. I am saying that my need to be in control is greater than my reliance on him. And that scares me more than any of my greatest fears.
I was flying in an airplane the other day and I was staring out of the window as we were about to land. I was looking down at the tiny cars, tiny trees and tiny houses and I had this incredible thought. I imagined that must be what it is like for God. He is looking down at all of these tiny people and he can see the big picture. He looks down and he can see the entire expanse of my life. When I am filling my mind with anxious thoughts I don’t have the big picture, but God is up above and he knows everything and he can see everything. It was like God gave me just a small glimpse of how big and powerful he is and it was as if his voice whispered, “see, I have the big picture and you don’t need to worry. I have you in my hands.” And in that moment up in that airplane I felt a peace that I haven’t felt in a very long time.
I am so small and my life is but a glimpse, yet the King of Kings still cares about me and gives my life meaning. And that fact makes every fear and worry seem so insignificant. Anxiety is not something will be magically cured in a day, but the good Lord who is full of patience and grace is walking with me each day, teaching me to slowly let go of my fears and the “what ifs” that consume me.
