November 15
Tonight my team had listening prayer in the sanctuary of the camp we are staying at. This is just a time for all of us to sit and seek the Lord’s voice in silence, and then come together after some time and talk about it. I started off as I usually do, sitting in silence with my eyes closed and asking God to tell me or speak to me about anything that I needed to hear from him. Somewhere along the way I picked up my pen and started writing in my journal, but the words were not my own. I wasn’t thinking about what I was writing and I wasn’t trying to write anything but the words kept flowing onto paper. And some point along the line I realized what was happening… I write letter to God and prayer request to him and he was writing a letter back to me through the holy spirit. Yes I was writing it, but it as his voice spoke the words to me to write. Towards the end of the letter he said, “Also you say you want to learn more about me and be close to my spirit. Well, sit with me like this more often and give me a chance to write back to you as you write and speak to me. I love you and I want more for you but I can’t give it to you if you’re never in a posture to receive it”. The whole letter struck my heart full of happiness and love because of the reminder of how personal God is. He spoke life, truth, and guidance into me and the areas of my life that I needed it. But the personalness is just what the portion of the letter I shared with you revealed to me. It also showed me that in order to get the more of God, that is always there for you, you have to be open. You have to seek him. You have to sit in the quiet. And you have to listen and hear what he has to say rather than assuming you know how things will turn out or assuming his answer will be a certain way. He is a God who is all powerful, almighty, gracious, merciful, a consuming fire, but he also wants to be heard. And today I realized as much as I want to hear from him, he wants me to ACTUALLY speak to me and have me hear him.
November 16
After lunch at noon we normally have rest time until about 2. Then we head back down the mountain to help with the building project we are currently working on. But Today it started pouring rain so much so that we couldn’t see the mountains we always so clearly see from our porch. So as you can imagine, the second half of ministry didn’t happen. My team and I love when it rains. I used to hate it because everything just gets… well wet! But being part of the edge I have learned to love it. The sound is soothing. And at night, or on travel days, it helps me sleep. It brings a relaxing atmosphere to the day no matter how it has been. It also brings a peace because most of the time you have to stop what you are doing because its presence is so strong (not often the case here). And it gives everything, other than dogs, a fresh smell. This rain today was probably the most rain I have ever been in (I didn’t experience the flood in SC last year). And as I sat admiring it, the place I was, and knowing God is by my side I couldn’t help but think how similar he was to the rain, or how we should treat him as such. It says somewhere in the bible how he is a devouring fire, which when broken down is quite a comforting thought. But God is all encompassing and many things that contradict yet connect. So while he is a devouring fire he is also a rain storm. Rain helps give life to plants, leaves a mark, covers what it touches, is invisible yet can be seen, soothing, something people give thanks for, and has a beautiful sound. God is all of these things and more and that is just his character when focusing on a rain drop. How much more of him is there in the world to be discovered when looking. Some things as you get older and go into different seasons of your life become things that are no longer possible or something you should do. Life is all about out growing things and moving on. Yet how sweet it is to know that one thing you can never out grow is figuring out who God is and more of his character. He is out there to be found. On the seventh day he said it is finished and he rested. It is finished. He completed this world we have to live in until he comes back. In this complete project of his, that is earth, he has left so many connections and traces of himself. All we have to do is open our eyes and let him show us.
November 23
We had worship tonight as a team which we somewhat regularly do. But what happened after this worship session is what really surprised me and something that I really really never saw coming. My hair was up in a bun and I was messing with my baby hairs as Jason was leading the last song. Then I thought to myself what if I had straight across bangs. So after we all dispersed from worship I asked Kaitlin and Kaitlyn what they thought about me having straight across bangs because they are super honest people (in a good way). They both yelled NO! Then immediately after saying no they said wait, actually you would be really cute! And so I hoped in the shower not knowing what to do and as I got out I grabbed a comb and knowing there were scissors downstairs I went down and said wait till my hair dries more, but someone can cut them. And so Madeline did exactly that. Well after Crosby cut some big chunks out of my hair just for the heck of it in that section. I didn’t even think much of it other than how spontaneous it was and how I couldn’t decide if I liked them or not. But in team time later Kaitlyn (Crosby) brought up how proud of me she was for doing it. She said how I have typically been someone who cared a lot about my looks, reputation, and what others thought. But in less than 10 minutes decided to go a little crazy, not in a bad way, and do something throwing all of that to the wind. As she said all this I realized she was EXACTLY right. I knew I would change during the race, never know how, and don’t always see it, but this showed change. She and the rest of my team saw, and me after they pointed it out, didn’t see the change forming yet this instance we knew it had happened. Somewhere along the lines of training camp, launch, and now God helped me get rid of more of my false self. I sought more of him the past couple months and along the way I found another part of my REAL self. A part of myself that does things no longer try to be some form of “it” girl and simply lives and does as I am with God.
November 25
Today our host let us have a day off because of the week we have coming up. We haven’t had many days to just rest and so my team and I took full advantage of it. Most people took a quick nap or spent time reading their bible. I ended up taking a quick little nap and when I woke up it was to the sounds of rain. It was raining so lightly it didn’t feel like it was really there at all, but that’s how it is most of the time here in the Philippines. Anyway I decided to go make coffee downstairs in the kitchen and then I decided to go and sit outside in my little get away spot with the rain coming down and me covered from it all with just my coffee in hand. Then I started talking to God about anything and everything. I would say something and I would wait for him, listen, and then he would say something. And then I would say something and so on and so forth. He told me some really cool things that day in our talk, some of which were things like: you are whole in me and nothing and no one will change that, I want to come along side you and dream with you, there’s always more for you with me, I have things planned you won’t always see coming, I am vast, I love more than you will understand, you will continue to find more of me, etc. When I finally ended the conversation it wasn’t because I was tired of God or sitting and chatting with him, in fact I wished that I had more time and that it wouldn’t have ended. But lunch was ready and since me and my team always eat together, I had to go. But it was so neat to actually take the time to quietly sit and just chat with him. And have him speak so intently to me.
November 30
Today my team and I woke up on some island in the Philippines that we traveled to with our host. See our host have friends who have a ministry called worship on wheels and they have friends who are the head of Samaritan’s Feet here in the Philippines. We all traveled to this island to help the people from Samaritan’s Feet take food and shoes to a tribal village up on a mountain somewhere (I honestly don’t know any idea of where I was or was going this entire time). The delivering supplies was today and it was an interesting trip to get there to say the least. The ocean looked horizontal from the view of the van as we tried to go up the road on this hill, which didn’t work. We then all had to get out of the van, try not to slide down the mountain on this road, and watched as the van slowly but surely started making it up with us hiking up alongside it. Then we reached the stop where the van would stay during the journey. We took out boxes of Toms shoes, food supplies, and a speaker (mini vbs type of thing was going to happen with the kids) and headed into a mud pit of a trail that would leave us all falling and trying not to slide into someone else for the following hour and a half. During the mini vbs or lesso, for the kids, one of the girls who we were working with told us that they were telling the story of the woman who washed Jesus’s feet and then after they would ask if anyone wanted to accept Jesus into their hearts. While all of this was going on I couldn’t help but be struck by how amazing it was to see different ministries come along side each other to help other ministries while also having people originally from this country stand up and spread the news of Christ to their own nation. We are called to spread his name among the nations but how beautiful it was to see people doing that but stepping back where nations helped bring people of their own nation to Christ through the support of literally three other ministries. Then I felt this overwhelming sensation of the holy spirit through my body and God told me, “I am here”. I know he is always with me but he was just truly really there in that moment. When I looked up from my own thoughts I realized that kids were raising their hands saying they wanted to accept God and as the prayer started I started tearing up. I have never been one to love others super quickly especially when I don’t know them. In fact I am typically shy when I have never met someone before. But in this moment my heart was with these kids. There were 39 of them and I watched as I gained 39 new brothers and sisters in Christ. I cant explain what I felt really well because I have never experienced that before. It was a joyful heartbreak as I saw these little kids go from death to life and accept my father who had just told me he was with me into their lives. And as this happened I sat with God and prayed over their feet, where they go, and how they will live. And then I got to wash their feet and find their size in Toms shoes, put them on their feet, get double high fives, and move to the next little kiddo. Today God showed me how his heart joyfully breaks for those who just come to them. I had known them for less than an hour and only felt/experienced a glimpse of that joyful heartbreak, how much more is the father’s when he has known them all their lives from before their beginning.
December 1
This morning started off how most mornings do here, or how we want most morings to go. Waking up early to work out, having enough time to shower, and then meeting everyone else at the breakfast table by 7 am. For the past couple weeks or so as debrief for the Philippines approaches my team and I have become anxious for the news of if any of us would have a team change or placement change and Caleb this morning had some of that information. He said it was interesting and not necessarily bad but that wasn’t helping our spirits. We were all super nervous. As it turns out we are coming back to our same location after debrief and will be able to have Christmas together. But the rest of the guys on the squad will also be coming with us. So from December 22-26 it will be my entire team plus 7 other guys. Then on the 26th all of the guys, including the edge boys, will be leaving to go to a different location to have a manistry month. During that month me and the rest of the edge girls get to stay in our same location with our same host, SUPER STOKED, but 5 girls from another team will be coming to live with us. Then we have Parent Vision Trip and after that South Africa. We don’t know what is happening after PVT, if the edge will still be a team or if we will be forever split up, but all of that is unknown until February. I am praying I have my sweet little family back but I won’t know for a while. As I got all of this news this morning I had a slew of emotions from excited to bittersweet to scared and slightly upset. I am not someone who loves the idea of spending a month with 5 new girls who I don’t know that well and that I haven’t been bonding or living with. But it is the Lords plan and it is what my reality will be. As I have spent most of today processing how the rest of my experience in the Philippines will be I cant help but know that I am not in control and will be pushed out of my comfortzone more than I imagine. And through realizing this God told me for about the billionth time, still love how I learn often about this, there is more for me. I have this challenging month of newness ahead of me and there is more for me to learn about him, myself, these new 5 girls, this community I am in, ministry, serving him, there is just always more. Then I was talking about all of this and Silas said how it will either be a month I go into and embrace with open arms and let the Lord work in it or it will be a month I write off and just try to get through creating a race of only 8 months for myself. And I realized he is right. And God is right. I ask to change but then I complain when the change includes things I didn’t want, but change isn’t always wanted. I do still pray and hope that my team is eventually back together to take on South Africa, but until then I have a chance to learn and be pushed in ways that I otherwise wouldn’t have. Today I am learning it is about perspective and that perspective I take can and will make or break a month that I never saw coming.
December 12
Christmas is always a busy time of year and here everything slows down. It is weird. But it’s nice. I have been able to just chill and rest with my team and God but what I didn’t realize was happening was that I was feeling the prayers of people back home. I am at peace with January and am excited for it to come. I am at peace that I won’t be home for Christmas and that it will look really different. I am at peace that I still haven’t heard back from any colleges and that I have absolutely no clue what my summer is going to look like but I am not in control. But mostly if you ask me how I am doing I am at peace with where I am and with what will happen. The changes that start after debrief start soon and I am not anxious and have no fear. How sweet a father we have that he can change your feelings for situations so fast when you ask.
