Hey, hey, hey! So warning this blog is the LONGEST blog I’ve ever written. Most of that is due to the fact that I haven’t written in forever and I have a monsoon of things to say, but part of it is also just because I talk a lot and that doesn’t change when I write. So my apologies, but at the same time I’m not sorry because it will be worth it! (or I think and hope) So here’s to the longest blog ever… sit down, get comfy, grab some coffee (if you don’t like coffee I don’t understand you so grab some tea I guess? Haha jk) but let’s get it started!
First off, I know you’re probably looking at the title thinking what in the world grieving is not greater than anything, this chic is CRAZY!! And you’re right I am, like I can think of so many things that are so much better than going through the process of grieving! But I promise my accusation isn’t actually as crazy as you might think. I actually think that it’s kinda the best thing ever and I hope by the end of this you will agree.
So this grieving that I am talking about is the grieving of the end of a season of life, and how I was/am bad at it, and how I learned to take a different view point of it (or am trying to). I am someone who doesn’t take change very well and I become paralyzed by fear when change comes. And I am entering a big change! I am never going to be in high school again, never living in the stage of life I am in now, never going to get moments like the ones I have now back. So a little back story of how I am so bad at grieving is well that and how I focus on it.
One of the things I learned is, like the saying, the grass is greener on the other side. I used this idea of how I am never going to have this moment back as a way to think to myself, “well if I don’t leave then I can stay in it longer”. It wasn’t that I thought I wouldn’t have a great time or anything, it was just the idea that I could miss out of things back home. The fear of being left out, being forgotten, becoming this person friends and family forget about because my presence isn’t with them. I let all of this become the focal point of what I thought about the trip. I just wasn’t excited to leave because life as I know it would be gone. So I started becoming jealous of everyone is doing something I am not doing because they get to stay. So then God, being his humorous self, sent people to tell me something I didn’t feel at all, that they were jealous of me. I had multiple people tell me this and I was just thinking to myself, “take it, have it, I don’t want to go”. But I started thinking a little and I couldn’t win either way. I was jealous of those who weren’t going (my fear talking) yet if I didn’t go I would be jealous of those that went. So I was stuck. Then the phrase that God gave me for this year, the one that he just placed on my heart as what I need to cling to, started showing up more and more in conversation and things I saw. The phrase is “be courageous”. I kinda laughed to myself a little every time because I realized God was just sitting by me or with me like, “see SC I gave you that phrase for a reason, now live it out”. And he was right as usual. But he also showed me something else through all of this, and that was those people who said they were jealous of me were right to be. I am not trying to boast or anything like that but I mean who wouldn’t be jealous of the opportunity to travel the world with the guy who created it all himself. Then that got me thinking more… I am jealous of myself! I am not good enough, cool enough, skilled enough, or anything at all as a matter of fact to be given this opportunity. I am less than enough every single time, and have no right what so ever to do something like this, and yet he chose me for this. I am jealous of myself and the path God is leading me on. So for one part of me being bad at grieving I realized how jealous I will always be of the plans God has for me. They are all way more than I could ever imagine. Now when I said I wasn’t trying to boast I meant it and here’s why: because you should be jealous of yourself too. You should be jealous of where you are at in life right now, what is to come, and where you have been. Growing up in the church I feel like I have heard so many times how God has a specific path designed for you. But how many times do we really think about that? He actually handcrafted this path he wants to lead you down for the best version of yourself. Why not be jealous in that? You get an original path to make you the absolute best you! Be jealous of yourself in the fact that your journey is yours, be excited about it, and unlike me don’t spend too much time thinking there’s better out there because spoiler alert… there isn’t!
Oh but there’s more… you see I’m a hard headed person so when I get my mind on something it’s hard for me to change that view. But God knows that so he knew he wouldn’t just have to show me I needed to be jealous of myself, he knew he would have to show me to listen to myself. This came in the form of obsessing over “what if” and “what would have” questions in my head. He knew I not only was thinking I would be missing out but that I had created a billion and one scenarios of how my life would be in the future if I didn’t go or how it would be different if I hadn’t done certain things. It’s the whole jealous scenario, grass is greener on the other side scenario, just in a different form. So follow with me for a sec… I am having a conversation with one of my friends about these types of question popping up into our head and how it’s easy to get stuck obsessing over them. The questions kinda leave you paralyzed because they focus so much on the past and future that you just want to pause the present and take a breather… but you can’t. So I was giving advice as we were talking about all this and saying things like “you can’t change the past, and you can’t control the future. Just make sure that you focus on where you are and who you are now and that the things you’re doing are pointing you in the direction of the path you want and the future you want. Become okay with the worst case scenario because then well you’re prepared for the worst,” blah blah blah. Well after I said all that I was like WOW I suck, good advice, but I’m not listening to myself. I am not focusing on the present and I am focusing on past and present and how my life could or would be different. So God used this to be like “hey, SC what’s up… so you see those things you just said… did you just say them and not listen? I am going to open up your ears to hear what your mouth just spoke. I need you to realize that I have you, this is my plan, this is where you are going for your own good. Your past is your past, and your future I see it and I have it. Do not worry about the things you think you’ll miss out on, do not worry about the things you think you will not have because of this, I promise I have you”. I felt him so clearly say all that to me in just a peaceful comforting way and I realized he was right, as he always is. I needed to listen to myself and know that the present was what I needed to focus on not the things I have no control over or the things I don’t know, but the here and now that he placed me in. So maybe you needed to hear that too. But I want to encourage you to listen to yourself because through this specific instance I realized that God speaks through us to help others, but sometimes helping others helps us too. I know I said all those things to help my friend in the instance, but God used what I said because my ears needed to hear what my mouth was saying. So just listen out to what you say because God connects a ton of things in life and I really feel like some times the things he wants to teach us are the things we are trying to teach others.
So now if you can hang with me a little bit longer, because I know this thing is LONG! (but hey I warned ya) Grieving is greater than anything. I stand by that, and here’s why: grieving a season of life means that you are leaving something behind and going into change or something new. It means you have something to look back on whether good or bad and something well, new. Change isn’t always the easiest, the most exciting, or something we want but it does mean a new chapter. And for me a new chapter means a new adventure or journey with the dude who created me, loves me more than any one, created EVERYTHING, and created a path for me. It means I get to learn more, grow more, change more, and ultimately go on the next level and get closer to who I was meant to be. And it’s the exact same for you. So why not look forward to grieving a season of life? I am not saying it will be easy, or that it won’t be sad, or hard even, but it is completely worth it in the end even if we don’t see that end for a while. I say grieving is greater than anything because it is. It is that next level. And I think my senior quote kinda explains it the best so I am going to leave you with this as the main reason as to why grieving > anything… because “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” – C.S. Lewis
Thank you to all of ya’ll who support me, love me, and have helped me on this journey and will continue to. So many of you remind me or are part of teaching me the things I need in order to keep moving on this journey. I honestly couldn’t do it without you. Also thanks for trekking through this long blog, you the real MVP
with bunches and bunches of love,
Sarah Catherine
