Being home from training camp has been full of ups and downs. At first I hated it and ONLY wanted to be back with everyone because for the first time ever I was in a real community of believers 24/7 and saw how life was supposed to be. I sat around at home and complained about being home and couldn’t figure out how I was supposed to do “fake” living for 6 weeks! But I also knew that I wanted to spend time with friends and family and actually enjoy myself without faking it.
My prayer then became, “God show me community, give me what I need to enjoy this time at home”. He also put the phrase “I am faithful” in my heart anytime I doubted or was searching for an answer. He has just continually told me “SarahCatherine I am faithful, I will provide, be patient”.
So I’ve been waiting…and waiting…and God lifted my spirits. I was asked to meet and talk with one of the newer YL leaders in my area because she wanted to know more about what was on my heart through seeing snipits of it in a bible study. And then this girl that plays sports for my old high school (WOW still so weird I’m not actually in high school anymore) somehow saw one of my pictures on instagram which lead her to my blog and then lead to us meeting up yesterday actually. So while coffee is super casual and most people would think nothing of this, it meant everything to me. People saw something different in me and wanted to meet and talk about it. I was not only encouraged by this but felt the support of God’s community rather than a physical community. See these meetings/ scheduling of the meetings did nothing to change my physical community. I am not waking up with these girls and pursuing Jesus in tents and all of that like training camp, but meeting meant/ means (I still have to meet with one) I will gain more spiritual encouragement, support, and a friend pushing me to continue chasing all that I should be chasing. I hope that makes sense but basically it has been great!
The girl I did meet with actually was a breath of fresh air for me! It was as if she had been at training camp with me, not that she had been or did any of those things, but her mindset towards God and the way she is pursuing after him was the same. And honestly I didn’t think there was someone my age in my town who would have that same mindset and just be so real and honest about everything, especially after training because of how radical it truly was… but she did! I don’t know how to explain it honestly but we just spent three hours talking about life and God and day to day random conversation. I had never met her before and yet after meeting her and while hanging out with her I couldn’t help but be amazed by God and how he provides what we need, when we need it, in ways we never could have thought!
But on top of all of this I have still been craving progress with myself and my own journey towards God outside of others and outside of having some sort of community. Training camp was amazing but I knew I could lose or not grow closer to who I wanted to become in those 6 weeks because it would be all up to me! I wouldn’t be pushed or forced to chase Jesus like I was at camp, I would have to chose to do that on my own everyday and honestly I am terrible at it. But it was different this time, I truly wanted to. I have asked to see things in myself or just in general that I can do or change.
So at training camp I remember how one day we talked about our false self and how it is a battle and challenge to rip off our fake selves and be who we are truly called to be. A big part of my false self is reputation. I care SO much WAY TO MUCH what others think of me or how I appear. I just do. So I was thinking about this and how I don’t post as much on social media as I used to because for me that meant I didn’t care as much about reputation. But that isn’t what posting less did for me at all, it just meant I posted less and I had less opportunities for myself to allow people to judge or “like” me and less post that had to keep up my reputation. But then I was thinking how much I am changing as a person but my social media looks exactly the same except for there was or is just less post (mostly talking about instagram here). So then I was thinking well the majority of people probably don’t know I’m changing or even who I really am or anything because all my pictures are typical and cute and I always do a super clever caption or pun [bragging a little here ;)]. So I had this thought but I hadn’t done anything about it yet because my flesh knows the cute pics with cute captions get likes and likes= I CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT REPUTATION and I was still trying to hold on in a way. Now I know some people are like well social media is not everything blah blah blah and that’s right. There’s also the other option like well just delete it. And to that I say that isn’t standing up to the hold I have on my reputation so I went a different route…
…when I was meeting with Lauren (the girl I had a chance to meet) were talking and then all of a sudden I started saying all this stuff about how my post aren’t reflecting ME or whatever and then I found myself saying I want to re-do the way I do social media! I want to do REAL social media! I want captions of encouragement to other, truth, hardships, I want something that does more than rhyme! I want something that makes people think and I want it to be something that was from my heart. And then I found myself asking her to keep me accountable in this. I honestly didn’t even know I was saying it, it all just came tumbling out of my mouth!! But as soon as I said it I was like God you right thank you. I believe he just let me speak what I needed to hear and do.Because for me deleting social media would be running from something that causes me to hold on to loving my reputation, BUT changing the way I do it. And doing REAL media would force me to stand up for myself in the way that I wouldn’t be letting something so small as instagram and reputation define me. And as silly as it may be it was and is something that is radically different for myself! So although that isn’t the only thing he is doing to help me move closer to him and he is doing other things in my life I just thought that was a really cool thing/ switch of view change he gave the past two days.
Below was my first REAL post just for anyone who may not have seen it because when you agree to something with God, you gotta do it!
everday is a fresh start and opens new possibilities and choices to be made // I’m not always the best sister, more often than not I chose myself over playing with this girl. but if you go everyday doing what you want, when you want, how will you ever have the type of life that makes a meaningful impact? the little choices we make when the actions seem insignficant are what actually shape who we become // change your mindset and say yes when you would normally say no
with love,
SarahCatherine
