Too emotional. Too sensitive. Too much.
But not enough.
These are the lies I believed growing up. I believed these lies because of the words and actions of others.
So I reshaped myself. I bottled my emotions and refused to show my tears to others. I remained kind. I tried to become enough. I allowed others to tell me who I needed to be and why I needed to perform. I never felt like people wanted the actual true core of me, so I doubted every invitation.
I poured myself into being a good student, having diverse extracurricular activities, working hard and making money, and so much more.
I’ve played almost every sport out there trying to find something active that I loved. Tried so many times to lose weight because I was too fat.
I ran after perfection. But my definition of perfection was constantly being redefined by the world around me. I always seemed to fall short of the standards set before me. I was trying too hard, too nice, or “too” fill in the blank – so I reigned myself in. At the same time I was not enough, not good enough, smart enough, active enough, once again, fill in the blank – so I pushed myself harder.
I fell into a depression when I was 14. I stopped eating to lose weight. I hated celebrating my birthdays because instead of a day of joy, there were a reminder I was losing time. I could no longer be the youngest to accomplish the things I was good at, so it became impossible to be perfect.
I had spent so much time covering all my pain that there was no room left in my heart or mind for joy. I grew up in church and believed Jesus was my Savior. All I wanted was to go home to heaven where there is no pain and no tears. I prayed to go home. I comforted myself with the words of Paul that claimed to live is Christ and to die is gain.
I lived my life by the rules, and I was dying.
God answered my prayers to be in heaven by bringing people in my life that taught me what heaven looks like on earth. I began what is now a 9 year journey of learning what life with the Holy Spirit is. It’s not focusing on the law, but rather focusing on loving God. Because when I love what He loves, I naturally fall within the lines. When I go after Him, everything truly does fall into place. He created me, He knows what I am meant to do. He knows the true desires of my heart. He’s not going to lead me to something I hate – unless He is teaching me something.
As I walk with Him, I see the truth in a scripture I used to not understand. From glory to glory. He takes us from a high place to an even higher one.
I no longer strive for perfection, nor do I wear a mask. I have placed my identity and my idea of perfection in Him and am learning what it looks like to rest.
We met with so many middle and high schoolers this month. They strive for perfection. They place their identity in what they do, not in who they are. They allow the voices around them to define them as too much or not enough.
I shared parts of my story with them, praying it gives them hope.
For while I am still far from perfect, I love my life, I love my family, and I have so many dear friends around the world. I’m living my dream and want to inspire them to go after theirs.
