This will end a long post, but it also extremely important to my walk. Please read it all the way through and be sure to watch the video!
Two massively significant steps in my kingdom journey have finally collided in my life. I made two realizations, one in Thailand and one in Cambodia, and they have changed my life forever, starting here in Month Three.
My first realization was that I am not defined neither by being a “missi0n*ry” , as the American church sees that label, or by my struggle with lying.
The “Missi0n*ry” label was something I grown into and taken on as my identity for about 10 years now. During our first day of training in Thailand, all of the Racers were challenged to ask Father what identities we were holding in our lives that were untrue. “Missi0n*ry”, and all of the expectations and heightened standards of the church, was my false identity. It was not allowing me to move forward in a life only Father, Son, and HS could give me. I realized I actually need to have the identity of “disciple”, clinging to the Son, not worrying about being what other people said I should be.
My struggle with lying began so early in life that my baptism at a young age was based on a lie. When my younger sister, and many friends, accepted the Son as Savi0r, I hated that they got all the attention. I lied and said I’d accepted him also, just so I could be recognized and baptized, like they were. Once I actually did accept the Son a few years later, I realized how important baptism is, and realized I made a mistake in my lie. However, I did not want to uncover my guilt and shame and look horrible in the eyes of my friends and family, so I never told anyone. I buried the past and how I felt about it.
I realized fairly quickly that act of burying did not erase the guilt and shame. Thinking it would help, I recommitted my life to Father many times. I tried always doing “the right things”, following exactly what I was told to do to live “a good Chriti*n life”, but I would always mess up and feel more guilty. I have struggled in depth with this guilt and calling myself a “Chronic Liar” for almost 4 years now.
Right before I left the States for Thailand, I made a commitment to speak truth to those around me, so that they would see the real me. During training camp, during a night with my squad sisters, I was able to admit out loud, for the first time I can remember, that I hold that label of “Liar”. Just saying it out loud was more freeing (and scary) than I ever thought it would be. Now all the girls knew and could help me walk forward in erasing that identity and habit out of my life. I was able to share it with the guys on my team a few weeks later. Now the world knows of my struggle.
A step of faith in action I took to begin relabeling me life as a disciple was to design, and get, a tattoo on my right forearm, where I can see it easily when I look down. It is simply the word “disciple” with a cross built into the stem of the “d”. The tattoo is not perfect in spacing or consistency of the lettering. This detail symbolizes that I have not figured out this discipleship thing, but I’m working on it for the rest of my life (as the tattoo is permanent), with the Son (the cross) leading my efforts.
My second realization happened happened over the course of this week. I have already posted about my struggle with control. I have reached into that struggle, and worked for more vulnerability with me, Father, and my team. Connecting this struggle back to my struggle with identity and guilt, I realized I could never be healed or change my identity, if I was in control of everything. During my time here in Month Three, i have found that the issue is not that I cannot wipe away my guilt and forgive my past. The issue is that I am not letting Father, Son, and HS to clean me for me. I just assumed that I needed to clean up the mess and then offer the best me for his service.
For the last week, I have known that a huge, defining moment was coming. I also did not really want to let go, nor did I think I was ready. Therefore, I ignored signs so that I did not have to make a commitment to a life change.
Yesterday, as I was talking with Father, I asked him to show me anything I was carrying with me on the Race. He promptly got in the statement, “Control is holding you back in so many ways. I want you to let go of it.” As the conversation continued, he was emphatic about me letting go of all control, right then, instead of working on each piece of my life as it came up in life. He wanted everything, and he would show me how to continue to give up each piece of my life, as I will need to do in the future. This conversation led to the following commitment:
(Taken straight from my journal)
Father, I give you all control of my life. My thoughts, my time, my food, my sleep, my work/ministry, my past, my present, my future, my hope, my love, my heart, my mind, my soul, my body, my words, my tongue, my eyes, my ears, my hands and feet, my arms, my legs, MY LIFE, my goals, the vision you have given me, my family, my friends and their lives, my need to always be right, my fears, my faith, my doubt, my struggles and temptations, my need to success, my failures, my electronics, my material possessions, my skills and talents and any lack thereof, my muscles, my physical appearance, all of me.
“All of this, and anything else you have not yet revealed, is in your control. You have it permanently. Do not let me take anything back.”
This commitment is probably the most significant step of my life, besides accepting the Son as my Savi0r.
The action that has put my second realization, and the dedication of letting go of control, was to be baptized again today.
This is my declaration to Father, me, and the world, that I am not my own any longer. I no longer hold control over who I am, and where I go, and what happens to me.
Here is my statement of the New Normal in my life: Father is in control of this life, and he is redefining who I am to fit his plan for the world.
#redefiningdisciple #FatherIsInControl
PS: you will now see these two hashtags on my posts, on here and any social media. If anything I post doesn’t have these hashtags, please remind me to put them on it as a reminder of the truth! Thanks!
Here is the link to my video!!
