I’ve been back in the States for two weeks now. I have loved these two weeks! I know what my next steps are, and what I need to do to complete them. I have a clear course of action, and even a good checklist off of which to work. For a task-oriented person like me, this is a great thing!
I loved it for about two weeks. Now I want it back. I have so many good intentions. So many plans I thought I would do once I was home. Now I’m trying to figure out why I don’t care anymore. Why am I not motivated? Why am I not pushing forward and jumping out of my chair to start? Where in the world did my drive to serve and live passionately for Christ go? I just had it two weeks ago. Maybe I can check my other pockets…
After struggling with being completely unmotivated all weekend, I have hit on a conclusion.
I’m back in a comfortable position, with lowered responsibilities, without my faithful teammates to give me a kick in the pants when I don’t get out of bed or want to run away from ministry. I’m carrying the responsibility of doing things on my own, and quite frankly, I just don’t want to be completely responsible. I liked being able to rely on others to keep my head on straight. While there is a level of responsibility one has to have on the Race, there is also a large measure of freedom from responsibilities. Even as a team leader, I still rarely needed to deal with finances, and for my last team I didn’t really even have to be responsible for team time and feedback. I gave that responsibility to one teammate each night.
Being off the Race is different. I now have to be responsible for my own finances, my own schedule (besides my work hours, and sometimes even then), my eating habits, my sleep pattern, whether or not I open up to those around me, how many people I let into my heart, and even more. I haven’t had to be this responsible for almost a year now. I simply just don’t have much desire to take all of this back on my own shoulders.
Yeah. That’s how I feel right now.
