For my squad, this crazy Christmas season it is a time of getting everything squared away at home, and making sure we are all ready to leave the country on January 3rd. As I overthink everything, I allow my organizing personality to spend more time organizing my “to do” list than doing the actual tasks. The organization then causes me to feel as if I have more to do than I actually have. I then work to organize meaningless, ultimately irrelevant, tasks I feel need to be added to my “to do” list. I actually find that checking items off my list, causes me to think of several more that “would be nice to get done.” Those get added, and the cycle begins again…
…and that explanation should show you the major swirl of thoughts going through my head.
When I look at the reality, I really have only a few tasks to do. I have to continue raising prayer partners. I have to make sure I have the items I want to take with me on the Race. I am getting rid of most of my earthly possessions in order to empty out my life. And with less possessions, I effectively empty my life of activities as well. This empty space leaves a void, bigger than I expected to have. It’s actually kind of scary the quantity of the meaningless items and irrelevant time-consuming possessions I have accumulated.
I can really fill this emptied life with anything I want, but I am actually filling it with activities and tasks that are really time-killers more than productive. Today I realized I was on Facebook playing a game, on my phone playing a different game, and watching Friends at the same time… Talk about irrelevant activities!!
It is entirely possible to fill this void with worthwhile activities. I could be messing with my younger brothers. I could be reading the Bible. I could be write out all of my crazy thoughts and just getting them out of my head and onto paper, organized or not. I could be spending time with my family and enjoying the festivities of the holidays. Instead, I am in my room playing two games and watching Netflix.
The reality is I don’t really have the desire to change anything. I don’t know where to go from here. But I’m getting thoughts out, and that’s a great start…
God, may you fill my emptiness with your love and peace. If you don’t, I’ll just continue to fall back on old habits, because that’s all I know. Change my reality to yours.
