Angry at God

So I can be honest here, right?

Good.

This past week has been tough to say the least. We switched teams here on the World Race, something I’ve known was coming, but been dreading. I didn’t realize just how upset I would get though.

My prayer since the beginning of training camp has been for my team to become my family. I’d prayed for an undivided heart for the 7 of us, and for my heart to break for each of my teammates. It was a long road, but it was starting to happen. This past month in the Philippines, everything I prayed for my team was starting to come true, and it was awesome! We were becoming united; we were having more fun with each other; we were relating to one another and opening up on a deeper level. My heart was breaking for each member one by one. We were becoming the family I was so desperate for!

Then Austin, our team leader, had to go and be a rock star and get himself promoted to Squad Leader. This led to the inevitable split of our team, Ginosko.

Sunday, team switch day, was extremely difficult for me. I went around to each teammate giving them a hug and an “I love you,” and quite frankly, I just broke down. I was pretty much inconsolable and could not stop crying. When we got our new teams, everyone was told to just go be alone with God for an hour or so. As I did that, my sadness only got worse, and also grew into a new emotion- anger.

How could God give me the family I so desperately craved and needed, and then split us up? How could God be that mean? And it has nothing to do with my new teammates, who by the way are genuinely wonderful. It has everything to do with me and God. I feel like He’s taking away my family, like He’s forcing them to abandon me. Like maybe He doesn’t really care about what concerns me. 
  

I’ve never questioned that God cares about the details in my life or that I wasn’t His treasure. I’ve never been angry at Him, but I’m angry now. For the first time in my Christian walk, I know God loves me, but I don’t feel like He does. And I don’t quite know what to do with that feeling.

And you can tell me all you want that God’s hand is in this, and that change is good. You can even point out that God answered my prayers for Ginosko, or that this gives me a chance to learn a new way to love my Ginosko family, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I want to feel different. I want to be ok with this. I want to love my new team the way I loved Ginosko, but I don’t know how to. And I’m sick and tired of people telling me it’s going to be awesome when they really have no clue what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling that way.

Isaiah 43:18-19 says “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”

God is certainly doing a new thing. Now, it’s up to me to perceive it and to not dwell on the past. I’m waiting for God to radically transform my heart because it’s the only way I can do this. I’m not there yet…but I will be. It’s a process. I don’t really have a choice. God’s moving even if I wish He wasn’t.

So yeah…that’s where I’m at right now. You told me I could be honest.

Austin- You really are an incredible leader, TL. I am so proud of you and I can’t wait to see all the amazing things you’ll do for the squad.

Jordan- I’ll miss you and the silliness and the seriousness. Thanks for being an all star brother.

Karen- You just shine, girl. I’ve learned so much from you. Thank you for always being so honest with me. I’m not worried about you in the least. I’ll miss all our talks, but God is about to rock your socks off. Real talk.

Alycia, Jess, and Ashley- So happy I still have ya’ll. I’m excited to see how God will continue to change and grow each of you.