“Faith means you want God and want to want nothing else.” -Brennan Manning
“When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games. Aristotle said I am a rational animal; I say I am an angel with an incredible capacity for beer.” -Brennan Manning
“We habitually and instinctively look to other things besides God and his grace as our justification, hope, significance, and security. We believe the gospel at one level, but at deeper levels we do not. Human approval, professional success, power and influence, family and clan identity—all of these things serve as our heart’s “functional trust” rather than what Christ has done, and as a result we continue to be driven to a great degree by fear, anger, and a lack of self-control. You cannot change such things through mere will-power, through learning Biblical principles and trying to carry them out. We can only change permanently as we take the gospel more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts. We must feed on the gospel, as it were, digesting it and making it part of ourselves. That is how we grow.” -Tim Keller
“Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!” -Psalm 34:8
Many people have been asking about the month my team spent in the Kalahari desert in Botswana, without running water and electricity. I have a few stories I can pass along, but mostly, I have experience praying harder about something than I ever have before and how Jesus changed and shaped my heart through that occurrence.
So. Winter. Botswana. Somehow in the American brain, those things don’t quite mix. If we’re honest, when we picture Africa, more specifically the desert, it is always hot and there are usually wild animals involved. Now, I knew that Southern Africa has a tremendous capacity for cold because I had been here before. I did not know that the desert was capable of making me wear three layers regularly, and using my sleeping bag more than I ever had on the Race. It practically became another layer of clothing.
We lived in our tents in a church building in the small, small town of Struizendam, near the border of South Africa. We were encouraged to buy boots because scorpions can’t sting through them (terrifying), and we were told to do our best not to get sick, because the hospital is five hours away from Struizendam. So we bought our boots, wide-eyed with a little bit of excitement, but also a little bit of sheer terror. We knew very little about the people of Botswana going into it. We stayed with team Wildfire for a few days in Bokspits (35K from Struizendam). We got a little hopeful because they had electricity, running water, and toilets. When we first met our contact, Babsy (pronounced Bob-sy), she had all of our names and profiles memorized (profiles: our individual list of strengths and interests in ministry). It was adorable. She was this tiny, precious woman who told us she didn’t like to speak in English but she would do it for us. She and her husband were both on the elder board for the church in Bokspits, but Babsy is also intricately involved with the community of Struizendam because of family connections. Our primary contact, TC, is a South African. He and his wife felt called to this particular region of Botswana, so they picked up and moved. When they stay in Bokspits, they live in a small camper. They are devoted to the kingdom of God. It was incredible to be around people who were filled with such Christ-centered humility.
Our situation in Botswana was an interesting one. It was the first time Race teams had ever been to this particular contact/region. There wasn’t a set ministry as there is most months. It was all very organic—we kind of did as we pleased. We met with the elders (as I mentioned in the previous blog) and they communicated what they thought the specific needs were in the community. We put our heads together as a team and prayed about how we could come alongside the community and share Jesus faithfully. It was really awesome to watch it happen: Bobbi Jo felt called to the pregnant women and the new mothers (the demographic she worked with in the States), Katy Lynn felt a very strong calling to start a Mothers-of-preschoolers group (much like we have in the states), and Vivian felt a pull towards all of the women of the community, which materialized as a weekly Bible study focusing in on the book of Ruth. On Sunday afternoons, we had a VBS for the children of the community, but without resources, it looked much like this: We picked a story out of the Bible, figured out how to act it out between the seven us, picked a verse for the kids to memorize, picked a few songs that went along with the story (Katy Lynn is an encyclopedia of children’s songs), and a game that kind of focused on the plot and was a lot of fun. On weekdays, we performed assemblies at the school that were very similar to the VBS day, only with more singing. The children were the mostly the same, so we had to keep the stories coming. The men did home visits and led a Bible study for the men in the community. 21 men signed up the first day.
There are memories I’ll carry with me forever from the month in Botswana: Bobbi Jo telling the story of Shadrack, Meshack, and Abednego, Greg playing soccer with the children who congregated outside the church EVERY afternoon, Vivian giving her testimony to the women of the Bible study, Jeff bonding with the chief and chief in training of the town, Luke writing fifteen copies of his bible study notes out every week so that the men could study at home (at their request), Katy Lynn waking up with me at 2 in the morning because I was too afraid to venture to the port-a-potty alone, etc.
What I’ll remember the most, though, is how I pleaded with God for my own way in my future. Every day, I would journal and plead with God for my future to look a certain way, for certain people to be involved, and for him to be honored in my thoughts and actions. This may sound selfish to you. I assure you, it was. Somewhere along the way, I forgot who was God and who was Sarah. My head and my heart were focused on ministry, but in the morning devotional hours, I had something I wanted to attain from God. I wanted his blessing in having my own way.
I read three books during our time in the desert – Tim Keller’s “The Prodigal God”, Jack Frost’s “The Father’s Embrace”, and Brennan Manning’s “The Ragamuffin Gospel” (which I’m still reading). All of these books were timely, because most of them mention the story of the prodigal son from the gospel of Luke. My last blog as evidence, that story was heavy on my heart all month. One of my favorite points that Tim Keller makes in his book is that neither of the Father’s sons wanted the Father for the sake of wanting the Father, both of them only wanted the Father for his blessings or material possessions. Think about it: The eldest son responds to his Father’s invitation to the party for his brother with malice. “Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!” –v29
Two things should be noted about the elder brother’s attitude:
- He doesn’t even acknowledge that his brother is his brother, showing a tremendous lack of forgiveness.
- He is only concerned with the sacrifices the Father is making (the fattened calf) because he has never been the recipient of such a celebration.
As Christians, we can easily recognize traces of each son at different points in our lives. We may have strayed from God for a time, and when we were once again washed with amazing grace, He came running to welcome us home. We may have been with God all along, not necessarily because we love him, but because we want Him for his blessings.
This, quite frankly, sucks to realize about yourself, especially in Month 10 of the Race. Have I been invested in this the whole time for blessings from God? I can honestly say no to that question, but I *have* to keep checking the motives of my heart. John Calvin famously said that human heart is a perpetual idol factory, meaning that we have to constantly rewire our hearts to fix its eyes on the gospel of grace, lest we fix them elsewhere and prize something above the cross of Jesus Christ. It is no different in my life, friends. God was gracious to me in the desert. He gave me hope and assurance about my future, but he did not give specific answers. He gave me the same promises he has given me from the beginning.
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you.” – Jeremiah 31:3
“I am not ashamed to be called your God. I have prepared a city for you.” – Hebrews 11:16
“I will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Joshua 1:5
“I will be with you wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:9
“I will lay your foundations with sapphires.” – Isaiah 54:11
“Yet even now, “declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping, and with mourning; and rend your hearts and not your garments.” Return to the Lord your God for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and he relents over disaster. –Joel 2:12-13
Do I deserve any of this? No. Grace is crazy.
Even now, when I feel I finally have an answer from God about his future blessings, I am learning that while it is okay to be excited about what’s coming, it is never okay to be more excited about that than about the gospel. The gospel is radical because you don’t have to do anything to hide who you are. God knows exactly who you are, and he loves you anyway. Grace is crazy.
Grace and peace,
Sarah
Song inspiration for this blog: Even Now – United Pursuit Band
