I've been sitting here for two hours staring at a blank page…but if I'm totally honest, I've actually been staring at this page for the past week. How do I say what I am about to write?
Two weeks ago, I got a message from my dad asking to talk just as I was leaving a wifi spot (of course- this always happens). Thinking I would be able to get on later that night or the next day, I asked if we could talk later. I was already running late.
As is normal on the race, my plan to talk to him later that night or the next day didn't work out.I finally was able to talk to him two days later via facebook chat. I wish you could have seen the measures my teammate, Meg, and I went to for internet!
After talking for a few minutes, my dad finally straight up told me why he needed to talk. He has a very aggressive form of stomach cancer. I immediately felt as though I had been kicked in the stomach. It froze me. Unable to really process anything after that, I signed off after hearing a little more about it.
All week long it was on my mind. I was thinking about it while I was holding abandoned babies. It was in the back of my mind as I cleaned our contact's new ministry house. And it was still there when I played with the kids at the squatter camp.
What am I going to do? I don't want to go home….but I do. RIGHT NOW. I don't want to leave my team…but I want to see my dad. Will they let me come home? Will I return? Why is this happening? Why now?
Question after question floated through my head.
The day finally came for us to leave for debrief. We had been waiting at the bus station for 5 hours due to our bus being extremely late. Cat walks over to me with our team phone and tells me Holli wants me to call my parents.
I felt my hands shaking as I dialed my mom's cell number. No answer. I dialed my dad's cell. Again, no answer. I call number after number and then give up. The bus arrives and I get on. Holli calls again and tells me to call again. This time when I call my mom's number, she answers. Immediately I am overwhelmed. My mom starts crying on the other end. I start crying. Cat, sitting next to me is crying too. My mom tells me that Dad doesn't just have cancer. She tells me it's stage 4…and it's really bad. The phone call I have always dreaded. Then she tells me Daddy asked for me to come home. I instantly know how bad it is. Dad would keep me on the race even if he had to donate all $15,500 we are required to raise. So if he is asking for me, it's bad.
I hung up the phone, dreading the fact that I now had to tell my team. I was glad to have the decision made, but….my team. My best friends. I told them either one or two at a time. Of course, most of our squad was on the bus and had no idea what is going on. I ended up making my whole team cry. The rest of our 25 hour bus ride and the first day of debrief were hell. No one but my team knew anything. The team we are supposed to work with next month was so excited to be with us….but I couldn't feel excited.
I ended up telling the whole squad our second night of debrief when our coaches were present. I couldn't even get the words out. My coach had to do it for me. My squad and team have given me nothing but support this past week (or weeks). I've watched them closely, trying to take in every memory so that on those nights in a cold hospital room, I can remember how much I love my squad.
I leave for Colorado tonight. My team and my squad are gone. They left yesterday for Mozambique. Being an introvert, I love alone time…but now it's so quiet I don't know what to do.
I still have so many questions I wish God would just answer for me. I wish he would tell me why. Why now? Why in Africa of all places- the one continent I was ecstatic for. The one continent I know I am supposed to be in long term. Why my dad? Why?
I'm glad to be going home, but I've never felt so torn between two places in my entire life. I know that God is good. I believe that. I trust him. But I'm still struggling.
I had just become fully funded as I was hearing the news to come home. To all of you who have been blessing me with support over the past year, I thank you so much. I thank you for being a part of my race, even though it is being cut short. I want you to know that even though I am going home early, God has done HUGE things in this short amount of time. For those of you who helped me reach my last deadline, know that even though I am going home, that support will still stay with my squad. My beloved squad. I hope you know how much you have all blessed me through your prayers, words of encouragement, and financial support.
Please pray for me as I return home. To the unknown. To a battlefield. But to a place I know God is going to be with me. Pray for my travels tonight and through tomorrow. 4 airports around the world and 29 hours of travel is a lot, even for a racer. Pray for my team as they adjust to not having me around and as they go into the last 5 months of our race. Pray for our friendship to only get stronger. Once a member of Veracity, always a member of Veracity. Pray for my family as we go through this together. Pray for my mom. Pray for my brothers Jon and Nathan. And pray for my dad.
Love from Africa one last time.
Sarah
My family left to right: Mom, Dad, Jon (black shirt), Nathan, Me
Team Veracity as a whole one last time before December
Bottom picture left to right: Cassie, Me, Sarah, Serah, Cat, Meg, Emily
