So I have been stuck, as of late, in this place of desiring surrender. My heart has been burdened by unmet longings and achings so the response I thought I should have was to just keep trying to surrender those things until I didn’t want them anymore. For example- the desire to be loved, pursued, chosen, known, beautiful. For Pete’s sake, I want to freakin’ be beautiful and it not be beauty base solely on my character! I want to look and feel beautiful too! (Sorry, you will be able to tell that is a concept that has frustrated me more.) So all these and more just swirling around, bothering me, and I was just stuck trying to “surrender” those desires and accept what God had for me…whatever that means…?
The crazy thing is, I’m learning, I don’t actually have to surrender any of those things. You heard me. Those longings and desires…I am learning they are good. That I was- wait for it- created with them. Boom. Did you hear that? The desire to have love lavished on me, the desire to feel and be beautiful, the desire to be pursued, and the scary yet very present desire to be fully known- yes, I was created with them. I don’t have to keep striving to surrender them. I must realize them. Embrace them. Let those desires be filled!!!
Where does that take place? Well that’s the other thing I am learning. When I feel, or hear things in this life, I frequently assume I am the one that is wrong. That the world, the others, they are right. They have to be. There are so many of them! What they say makes “sense,” it really does…it just doesn’t settle in my soul. Why is that? Well, because I believe I, in my soul, in my essence, was NOT created for this world. I was created for Kingdom. For the perfection that existed in the garden before the fall. My present essence, uniquely formed, filled with Christ, was NOT created for this fallen place. So when so many thoughts I hear don’t settle in my soul- it is not me that is wrong, it is the world and what is being spoken. And it is when I leave this world and enter the presence of God that I discover who I truly am. That is where things start to make sense. That is where my longings are filled. That is where I am loved, pursued, wanted, delighted in, beautiful. That is where I am truly myself- who I was created to be. I long for his presence because that is where I can truly exist in the fullness of my creation, where I truly come alive, where I can breathe!
Because why? In learning about myself, I can’t lose sight of what truly matters: God. I remember that all things come from and point to God. Why was I created? To bring God glory. How was I created? In His image. What I am learning about my own heart is in direct correlation to what I am learning about the heart of God. He too is to be desired, chosen, pursued, loved. He doesn’t want anyone’s half-hearted pursuit (Jer 29:13.) He wants to be delighted in (Ps 37:4.) He doesn’t want to be one of many lovers any more than I do (Ex 20:5.) He possesses a beauty to be gazed upon (Ps 27:4.) I am created in His image, remember. And people are to gaze upon His beauty- as in sit and stare- not only appreciate for its usefulness, but simply for its form. So I get to want to look and feel beautiful as well as posses a beauty of character. I can learn so much about what I was created to be and how my heart was created to feel when I first understand who God is, wants, and feels!
When I see how much my heart is fashioned in the likeness of my creator, I am better able to return love and affection because I know the longings well. I can turn and worship in this kinda weird dynamic that involves me coming alive and being loved as I seek to love and appreciate the one who created me. It is such a beautiful, blissful experience. Worship. To me, the scriptures scream that everything always leads back to worship. So that’s what I will do. Enter His presence, come alive, and sing Him beautiful love songs. All of my days.
