So lately God has been leading me through this process of growing me by asking me to trust him with my heart and obey what he asks of me. He has been challenging me to love fearlessly. When I open myself and my heart to risks by loving others fearlessly, I am having to open my heart up more period. This then enables me to receive more love as well. Risk is involved, but the reward is oh so sweet. I realized that a big part of this started when I stopped asking why.
My whole life I have always wanted to know why? At some times and in the right context that is a great thing. As a child my dad put up with me asking 1.4 million questions why about just about everything and I gained a lot of knowledge in the process. But this carried over into everything, including relationships.
I was trying to back track to when I started always asking why with people. Why do they like me? Why do they not like me? What is wrong with me? Why are they mean? Why are they nice? I think it started when I was very young and felt ostracized by people, that for some indefinable reason other kids just wouldn't like me. I never knew why they didn't like me, and in some cases it was likely just my own perception. In other cases, however, it was made blatantly obvious or even directly spoken, but never with a reason. It always bothered me that I never knew why, because there was nothing I could change or fix. It just communicated to me that something had to be fundamentally wrong with me. I wasn't a good enough product.
So then as I got older, if anyone wanted to be around me or expressed interest I always wanted to know why. Because I was under the notion that something was wrong with me, if they liked me, I needed to know why so I could focus on that thing, or really just help clarify that what they see is false and there is really no reason for them to want to be around me. They must somehow be mistaken.
Then I realized I did the same thing with God. The scriptures would communicate, and he would directly speak to me of his love and affection for me and I just wouldn't buy it. I would ask why? He would give answers, but my whole life I trained myself to prove others wrong, or just reject the idea in my head, when anyone said nice things about me, so I dismissed all God had to say too. I didn't make sense. If I was that great, I wouldn't have been rejected for no reason.
In Malaysia, at the culmination of a long process, God finally brought me to the end of myself. He challenged me to address many of the hurts of my past, the longings I ignored, and the many lies that I still adamantly tried to convince myself were true. He told me that I had to make a choice: believe the lies and continue on the path of pain and heartache and unfulfilled living that I had experienced my whole life, or choose to believe the truth that he wrote in his Word and on my heart. He wanted me to choose what he said, to choose HIM- despite the fact that IT MADE NO SENSE to my desperately logical little brain. Essentially he wanted me to have faith over knowledge. I had to abandon my desperate need to know why so that somehow I could feel in control because of my knowledge, and to just have faith. He showed me how passionately he loved me and asked if I wanted to be in a love relationship, beyond our friendship, or not. There at the end of myself, I chose to take the plunge. And it has been sooo worth it!! I have never been so alive!!
The more I release relying on my own understanding and believe what Jesus tells me, the deeper into his love I dive. And now there is fearlessness in my love that comes from both being loved and by the faith to choose him over my understanding. While having this epiphany while running the other day an old song started playing with the line, "Wise men never fall in love," and it is so true! Proverbs 3:5 tells us to, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your understanding." When you do that, you get to experience a fullness of love with Jesus and others that goes beyond anything you ever knew or thought possible. There is freedom in this place! Freedom to be loved and love others. You just have to stop asking why and choose to believe.
This is where I get to spend my early mornings with Jesus!
