Who among you fears the Lord
and obeys the voice of his servant?
Let him who walks in darkness
and has no light
trust in the name of the Lord
and rely on his God.
Behold, all you who kindle a fire,
who equip yourselves with burning torches!
Walk by the light of your fire,
and by the torches that you have kindled!
This you have from my hand:
you shall lie down in torment
(Isaiah 50:10-11)
I am learning that the Lord is okay if we have no idea what we are doing. We of course freak out. Our physiological responses to stress kick into high gear. We get headaches or acne break-outs. We stuff food or alcohol in our faces trying to cope. But God is doing none of this. We are clueless and feel like we are fraying at the ends while he is calm, cool and collected. We beg for answers, beg for clues, just some sliver of understanding and knowledge. Sometimes he gives it, sometimes he doesn’t. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Let him who walks in darkness and has no light, trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.
Now I am as clueless as the next 20-something as to how the heck I am supposed to be living each day, but I am learning that God is less concerned about my life, and more concerned about himself. And he wants that to be my priority of thoughts too. So as I scramble for knowledge of what to do, he just sits and waits for me to come to him. Because he knows the one thing that is better than knowing what to do, that is better that fixing my problems, healing my wounds, or doing the next ambitious thing is HIM. He cares more about us knowing him and dwelling in his presence than he cares about knowing what to do or any of the other things we do to fill our time. He wants us constantly, 24/7 dwelling with him. He wants us to know him, but more than that he wants us to be with him. All the time.
And you have to be honest with yourself. Knowledge can be a great strength, but for many of us it is our greatest weakness. Because I know for me, as soon as I know how to do something, I go out and do it and focus on the task and loose sight of the one giving me the breath and life to accomplish it. So in his grace he often leaves us clueless so we don’t take our eyes off of him.
Walk boldly in the darkness, because when you build yourself a fire, you shall lie down in torment.
The desire to know has often consumed me. I have pulled together every shred of clues I could find and created a whole picture when all I had was two puzzle pieces. Needless to say my picture was entirely wrong. I thought that knowing would bring me peace. I thought that having the full picture would make things easier. But from His hand, by His grace, I laid down in torment. Because it is not about the picture, it is not about my life, it is all about him.
So please, don’t fight for understanding. Don’t add story to the one sentence you possess. Yours will be so much less than what he intends for you. The knowledge you seek and that he allows for you to have will not bring you peace. Trust me. Trust Isaiah 50 verse 11. The only place of true and lasting peace is in his presence. You think you want to understand. What you want is him. Seek him, and he will be found by you. Don’t know how to seek him? Just sit there with the desire to find him and he will come. But honestly, it might not be immediate. It may take days, weeks, months. He is building in you a holy longing. It’s okay. It will be good. He will come. Be okay with walking in darkness. He knows what he is doing. He is good.
