If you've been following my blog, you've heard some funny stories, gotten some of highlights and seen some pics. But maybe you've been wondering how I've really changed this month or what God has been doing in my life on a more personal level.
Well, to start, it's been a frustrating month. I've been seeking God, wanting to grow closer to Him but feeling like I am talking to a brick wall. Everyone else on my squad seemed to be having these great epiphanies or moments of freedom as they shared their story or confessed some deep struggles. I've been so blessed to have such amazing parents and to have had a great childhood and don't have any major, traumatic things to sort through. But I still wanted to experience God in the real, tangible way many others had been.
So I prayed. I asked. I seeked. I read. My teammates prayed. Nothing. God gave me the awesome vision of the man with the brown fedora at launch (http://sarahperrotto.theworldrace.org/?filename=the-brown-fedora check out the whole story if you're interested) but He had been silent since then.
Last week, during one of the worship sessions at debrief, I was again praying for God to break down the walls to the box I had put Him in and to reveal Himself to me. This time, He gave me a picture. It was of me standing over a really deep, narrow canyon with one foot on each side of the crack in the ground. One side symbolized "new life" and a deeper relationship with God. The other side was the "old life" and all the things holding me back from God, including that box I had put Him in. In this vision, my body was moving back and forth- being pulled between my new life and old life.
After God showed me this, I started crying and sat down to pray more and ask God what this meant and how to break past. One of my teammates, Bryan sat down next to me and just started praying for me. He is a powerful man of God and as he spoke, I felt like God was speaking directly to me through his words. He told me its okay to be in the process. It's okay to be questioning and wrestling with things. He told me God loved me right where I'm at and when I'm ready to step into a deeper relationship with Him, He will be right there waiting for me. We prayed for walls to be broken down and for an open mind and new understanding of God. He prayed many other things over me, but I only have heard them through my sobbing at this point. My frustration dissolved as Bryan spoke God's love over me. But, I know God loves me- so why the crying? While I know it in my head, I realize I have trouble connecting that with my heart. In that moment, I could feel the walls start to fall and the cage to be exploded open.
I stood back up to worship. Almost instantly, God gave me another vision. It was the same deep, narrow canyon- but this time I had stepped both of my feet onto the "new life" side. As I turned to look back at the old life- the ground I had been standing on dissolved, cracked and turned to dust. Now there was no turning back. The path to old life no longer existed and although my feet were barely over the edge on the new life side, the only option I had was to move closer to God.
So, that is my prayer for this next month. I want to continue moving toward God. There is no time line, no expectations as to what it should look like.
I leave you with this question: where are you? Are you hovering the canyon- wanting a deeper relationship with God but being held back by preconceived notions or your own box you've been keeping Him in? Are you still on the old life side, not even sure how to cross the canyon? Or are you on the new life side, with your eyes fixed on Him, ready to grow deeper with Him? Let me just give you some encouragement no matter where you are: God is there with you. He's encouraging you along in your process of growing with Him, so give Him the reigns 
